2025 — The Year in PREVIEW

It’s that time of year again when normal folks like you begin wondering what an abnormal guy — in this case, me — thinks will happen in the coming year so that you can mark your calendars for days you might want to just stay in the house and avoid the world.

Of course, that’s only for certain days, such as days 2 through 364, although August 3 might not be so bad — at least from 1:12 p.m. to 3:47 p.m. At 3:48, get your butt back inside! Immediately!

I’ve been doing my annual Year in Preview for 25 years now, which means that neither Matt Gaetz, Prince Andrew, nor Leonardo DiCaprio would even consider dating my Year in Preview. 

Granted the pressure is on because I’ve yet to have a single prediction fail to come true. And, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be 100 percent right, yet again, starting in …

JANUARY

For only the second time in American history, Donald Trump is sworn in for a second nonconsecutive term as president. He also makes DEI history as he is also the second orange person to take the office.

While watching Donald Trump being sworn in as the 47th president of the United States, outgoing Vice President Kamala Harris begins rummaging through her purse and then yells, “What the … Hey! I found it! My McDonald’s ID badge from 1983! Told y’all!”

In a last-ditch effort to make the NFL Playoffs after admitting they made a mistake in signing an aging Kirk Cousins as their quarterback, the Atlanta Falcons coax Roger Staubach out of retirement.

Americans receive a copy of the House panel’s report on Matt Gaetz that finds that while he has no ethics, he does have high triglycerides.

FEBRUARY

Luigi Mangione’s murder case is thrown out of court after a New York judge determines he is too cute to prosecute. Realizing that good looking people get preferential treatment, writer Chris Johnson of Perry, Georgia, feels empowered and shoplifts a two-day-old corn dog from the local Circle K.

Roger Staubach throws five touchdown passes as the resurgent Atlanta Falcons win their first Super Bowl over the Kansas City Chiefs.

Writer Chris Johnson of Perry, Georgia, is found guilty of shoplifting by the judge at his pretrial hearing and sentenced to death. “Can I appeal to someone?” Johnson asks. “I doubt it,” the judge says. “Do you even own a mirror?”

Asked which illegal immigrants will be among the first deported under Trump, ICE says it will depend on their answer to the question “Who is the president of the United States?” Anyone who answers, “that guy from ‘The Apprentice’” will be thrown onto trains bound for internment camps.

MARCH

Saddened that the drone conspiracy turned out to be a seventh grade science project at Newark Middle School, Marjorie Taylor Greene tweets a new conspiracy: During a new moon phase, she claims that the moon has either been stolen by Democrats or shot out of the heavens by Jewish space lasers.

Luigi’s friend Donkey Kong is arrested for showing everyone his banana at the Bronx Zoo. The judge, noting that Mr. Kong is no Luigi but thankfully no Chris Johnson, either, gives Mr. Kong one year of probation.

Rep. Nancy Mace introduces a bill banning public schools’ history classes from teaching about the Transcontinental Railroad.

APRIL

As the moon reaches its peak full stage, Marjorie Taylor Greene tweets her thanks to President Trump for the complete rebuilding of Earth’s natural satellite. “Only Dear Leader could’ve rebuilt the moon,” she tweets.

President Trump announces that he will no longer be entering events to the tune of “Hail to the Chief” but from now on to James & Bobby Purify’s 1966 hit “I’m Your Puppet.”

When asked, “Where were you born?,” 15 million immigrants who entered the U.S. through President Biden’s Jell-O wall all answer “Canada” and are dumped in Toronto.

The Boston Celtics cancel the rest of their season after several players are caught up in the latest epidemic of Larry Bird Flu.

MAY

Elon Musk is awarded an honorary doctorate from the Toledo School of Puppetry.

In an effort to re-create some of the excitement from 2023’s Barbenheimer blockbuster summer, Hollywood releases “Barbie II,” in which Barbie leads development of a nuclear bomb, only to have Ken take credit for it.

Taylor Swift announces her breakup with the Chiefs’ Travis Kelce and begins dating Roger Staubach.

ABC casts puppeteer Elon Musk, Dolphins receiver Tyreek Hill and “Masked Singer” host Nick Cannon in a primetime version of the soap opera “All My Children.”

JUNE

After the Trump Administration levies 25 percent tariffs on tequila imported from Mexico, Chris Johnson leads a rebellion and storms the White House with thousands of angry Parrot Heads wearing Hawaiian shirts, leis and coconut bras. They claim it is a typical tourist day at the White House.

In an effort to get a much earlier start on the next presidential election and energize young voters looking for a new generation of leaders, the Democratic Party announces that they will run a Pelosi/Clyburn ticket in 2028.

The Trump Administration announces it now has advanced concepts of its “Thoughts and Prayers Insurance Plan.”

JULY

Elon Musk makes 535 clones of Donald Trump, all named Donald Trump, and replaces the current 535 members of Congress with them. Rep. Trump is named Speaker of the House, Sen. Trump is named majority and minority leader, and Rep. Trump becomes the House whip. 

Mark Zuckerberg is locked out of his Facebook account when he can’t find six bicycles in a re-CAPTCHA test to prove he is human.

In a rare bright sign for the economy, with 535 more Donald Trumps, shares of KFC and McDonalds soar.

AUGUST

The Congress of Trumps ensures the solvency of Social Security not by allowing Social Security taxes on income over $176,000 but by raising the retirement age to 101.

Mark Zuckerberg is let back into his account when he becomes the first to get an actual customer service response from Facebook. They agree that the re-CAPTCHA test to prove he is a human being was unfair since he is not one.

After a judge strikes down Tesla’s $60 billion compensation package for Elon Musk, the first buddy is photographed using a coupon at McDonald’s, getting two sausage McMuffins for the price of one.

SEPTEMBER

While reading his book, “The Kids Guide to President Trump” to a kindergarten class in Tallahassee, Mike Huckabee is arrested right in the middle of the chapter on Stormy Daniels and mushrooms.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s doctor tells him that his brain worm was caused by not having enough red dye No. 4 and saccharin in his diet.

Judge Jeanine, Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan are named as potential replacements for the three liberal judges on Supreme Court … just in case they, you know, pass away, or something like that in a couple of weeks in three separate, totally unpredictable and coincidental bathtub drowning accidents.

OCTOBER

In an interview with “60 Minutes,” RFK Jr.’s brain worm admits that it was his idea to put a dead bear cub in Central Park.

With Americans sick of people born with genetic advantages having an unfair edge in competitive sports, the NBA bans all players taller than 6-foot-4 from competing in the upcoming season.

Jake Paul goes 38-0 with 38 knockouts to win the heavyweight belt at the Magnolia Oaks Nursing Home Boxing Championships.

NOVEMBER

George Lucas announces that he is releasing an update of his original “Star Wars” movie with an orange Darth Vader and giving Emperor Palpatine a South African accent … for “no particular reason.”

First Lady Melania Trump is arrested while trying to sneak onto a train deporting illegal immigrants, even after denying she is married to “that guy from ‘The Apprentice’.”

Florida is inundated with hordes of white people seeking thousands of tomato-picking job opportunities that have become available in 2025.

Thanksgiving gatherings are disrupted after President Trump pardons all of America’s turkeys. Several of the turkeys land gigs hosting shows on OANN and Newsmax.

DECEMBER

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez files an FCC complaint against writer Chris Johnson for his biased lack of Democrats appearing in his way-too-political Year in Preview. The judge throws the case out of court after agreeing with Johnson’s defense that “while Democrats can be pretty stupid, too, they are rarely funny.”

The 15 million immigrants who answered “Canada” and were dumped in Toronto change their minds during a weeklong blizzard and claim, “Sorry, we meant to say we’re really from Tahiti.”

Fox “News” host Sean Hannity’s head explodes on live television when RuPaul chugs a Bud Light to celebrate being nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Dramatic Role for his portrayal of South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem in “Old Yeller II.”

In a Monday morning interview from his cell on death row at Enemies of the State Prison, Chris Johnson demands six double-chili-cheeseburgers “without” from Troy’s Snack Shack for his last meal. Because Troy’s is no longer open on Mondays, his execution is delayed until Tuesday.