The Kudzu Kronicle

Because not all Southerners are the same

Author: kudzukid (page 2 of 6)

Ode to Vladimir Putin

There once was a despot named Putin
For Donald Trump he clearly was rootin’
So he assembled a team
And hatched up a scheme
To fool the fools who were doin’ the choosin’

We’ll invent a few stories to start
Even try to make him look smart
If he appears to be bruised
We’ll call it “fake news”
And summon our friends at Breitbart

Alex Jones will lie with impunity
And El Rushbo will scare the community
We’ll feed the insanity
With the aid of Sean Hannity
And make sure that Mike Flynn has immunity

With the help of Devin Nunes
Who sits on the lap of the prez
We’ll keep on disputin’
Any connection to Putin
And deny anything the New York Times says

Without Hillary life is much sweeter
That’s why I had to defeat her
I needed no spies
Just had to spread lies
To those who believe in a Tweeter

With them in an ignorant haze
Their demise is a matter of days
It won’t be from fake news
But the starvation they choose
After tossing all their microwaves.

 

This story is a lot of bull

Rarely do I share news involving the term “rectal reconstruction.” It’s not so much that I find the concept itself so disturbing but more that it reminds me of my old punk rock band, Rectal Reconstruction. We opened a few shows for the Butthole Surfers back in the 1990s.

Every now and then, we hear a story of a matador getting gored during a bullfight. Fans of this activity crowd arenas and yell things like “¡ole!” and “¡corn dog, por favor!” while animal lovers root for the bull.  On Monday, the bull won. He didn’t merely gore a bullfighter in Mexico. He gored him in the anus. Unbeknownst to the matador, he was fighting Mexico’s undisputed Pin the Tail on the Donkey champion.

That’s right, the matador got John Holmes’d when 11.8 inches of bull horn violently checked him for polyps. Nothing alarming was found, but I doubt the matador will be tooting his horn about that anytime soon.

And, yes, I know the image at the top is the Chicago Bulls’ logo. This just might be the best bull highlight of the year … although the rest of their opponents this NBA season are likely to dive out of the way the next time a bull drives to the basket.

There’s more on this story at SB Nation. 

Two books by the same person, but two different writers

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had two new paperbacks hit the market — a novel by Bo Hunter and a collection of humor columns by Chris Johnson, the same guy but two very different writers.

Bo Hunter was actually the pen name I used when I first began writing humor columns in Americus, Ga., back in 1995. I was a sports writer and news editor back then, so I wrote those columns under not just a pen name but with a disguised column mug. I didn’t want folks who hated the sports writer to hate the columns on that basis. Some liked Chris Johnson, some liked Bo Hunter, and I’m sure a fair share hated both of them.

Anyway, I wrote columns under my real name — that’s Chris Johnson for those of you keeping score — when I started penning weekly articles in 1998 in Columbus for the Ledger-Enquirer. In 2000, I was in a car wreck that knocked me out of work for a few weeks, so I wrote a novel in the meantime to keep myself semi-sane. I called it “Oya’s Wake” and did nothing with it for many years. Then, a few years ago, I decided to offer it up as an e-book for Kindle but published it under Bo Hunter. It was simply too different from my usual writing to publish under my name.

Now, at last, it’s in paperback, and you can order it from Amazon for $8.99 at this link. There won’t be any book-signings for this one, at least not until they make a movie out of it.

Meanwhile, just yesterday, the follow-up to “The Best of Chris Johnson, Volume I” went on sale in paperback on Amazon. It’s titled “Wastin’ Away Again on Margaritahill” with the shocking subtitle “The Best of Chris Johnson, Volume II.” Yes, I amaze my own self with such creativity. You can get that in paperback for $9.99 at this link.

Volume II features 118 columns that generated the most feedback — sometimes including anger — over the past six years or so.

If you order one, be sure to leave a review with Amazon. If you order both, well, you’re just weird to like both of those guys.

An apolitical look at a hot-button political issue — illegal immigration

Whether you chant “Build the wall!,” support sanctuary cities or lie anywhere in between on the issue of illegal immigration, you have to know that there’s no simple fix or magic bullet that solves most problems, especially one this complicated.

But no matter where you stand on this issue, here’s something we likely can all agree on: If folks are perfectly happy at home — wherever that may be — they probably will not want to leave. They certainly wouldn’t want to embark upon a treacherous journey full of unknowns to sneak into the United States if their home is safe and they enjoy a comfortable life with security and hope for their children.

Time and time again, I’ve seen families move from shacks to decent homes through my work with The Fuller Center for Housing. And I’ve met people like my friend Ana (pictured above), who discovered a world of new opportunities and joy at home after partnering to build a decent house. In fact, my assistant Jessica (who speaks Spanish, while I merely know how to order in a Mexican restaurant) talked with a woman in El Salvador who completely scrapped her plans to sneak into the U.S. after getting a decent home. You can read about it here.

Years ago, Ana was moving from various rented rooms to another, battling crooked landlords and selling school supplies on the streets of Lima, Peru, while trying to raise her three children. On a hope and a prayer, she boarded a bus for La Florida, Peru, where The Fuller Center is building a healthy, thriving  community. Not only did she wind up partnering with us to build a home for her children, but she began working for The Fuller Center and then was elected mayor of the town. Now, she is a government official working nonstop to better the lives of Peruvians. Continue reading

Class is over; crass is in session

We can disagree on politics. We can disagree on building a wall or tearing down Obamacare. We can even disagree as to whether CNN is a fake news outlet. (Well, actually, no we can’t. It’s not.)

But we absolutely cannot disagree on which of the first families — the one leaving the White House or the one coming into it — has more class, decency and the kind of family values that so many evangelicals and others purport to espouse. The Obamas have handled unprecedented and unjustified disrespect with a grace that I’m not sure any other presidential family — Democrat, Republican or Whig — could have mustered. Donald Trump can’t even handle an SNL joke.

What’s most striking about the photo collage that I created above is the double-standard at play. Can you imagine the vitriolic hatred that would be spewed had the Obamas been pictured in the exact same way that the Trumps are as they were coming in to the White House? Flip-flop the roles in the photos, and the Trumps would be seen as restoring decency to the White House from a disgusting, trashy family. The problem is that even without flip-flopping the photos, many Trumpists still see decency being restored.

But that’s the kind of double-standards the Obamas have faced all along. It comes from the same people who thanked President Bush for “keeping us safe” but would have called for Obama’s head had 9/11 happened on his watch. I didn’t blame Bush then or now for 9/11, but you know that Obama would have been dragged out of D.C. by pitchfork-toting right-wing nutjobs and actual fake news consumers had it occurred under him. These are the same folks who would have hurled the worst kind of insults at Michelle Obama — perhaps the coolest first lady ever — if she had posed for the kinds of photo shoots Melania Trump has done.

I guess those kinds of folks look at this picture and see a “privileged” Obama family juxtaposed with simple, decent folks who relate to common Americans, a family led by a man who scratched and clawed and wisely bankruptcied and smartly tax-dodged his way to the top starting with a mere $1 million loan from daddy and a third wife who fell in love with Donald Trump for his charm and good orange looks.

Fact is: If you can put politics aside and still prefer the family on the left over the family on the right, fake news is not your biggest problem — that, my lost friend, would be delusion.

 

2017: The year in PREVIEW

For years, I’ve given my readers a sneak preview into the coming year. And, based on analyses provided by Russian intelligence agents, I’ve yet to be wrong about anything. Ever.

My 2017 year in preview was published Tuesday by the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer, but if you’re like most Americans, you probably don’t — or can’t — read. So, for your listening pleasure, I’ve asked the Margaritahill Times audio department to provide a podcast version of the 2017 year in preview. You can hear it below:

Has CNN abandoned the news business for an all-Trump format?

I’ve got a crazy idea for a new television network. Bear with me because it’s kinda out there, like Ted Turner out there. But here’s my idea:

I think we need a 24-hour cable news network — all news, all the time. When something happens in the world, you can go to that channel to learn more about it. And, vice versa, if you’re not sure what important news is happening in the world, you can turn to that channel and learn what that might be.

What’s that you say? We already have 24-hour news channels? Oh, I beg to differ.

We used to have 24-hour news channels. Now, we have 24-hour punditry — on Fox News, on CNN and I assume on MSNBC, which I don’t watch. Everything now is a discussion and staging of right vs. left on every issue.

“Welcome to CNN Tonight, I’m Don Lemon. Tonight, Donald Trump has dinner with Mitt Romney. He had a grilled chicken sandwich and a kosher dill pickle. To my left is Fred Finklestein, who supports Vlassic Kosher Dills, and to my right is Sally Saltheimer, a Heinz Zesty Dill backer.” Continue reading

If it’s a whale of a story, check it out before sharing

When I started working at the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer in 1997, our newsroom had a beautiful view of the Chattahoochee River — a view that would later be blocked by a Synovus parking garage. One day, while a few newsroom staffers were gazing out a window toward the river and wishing they had normal 9-to-5 jobs, they noticed an unusual amount of folks flocking to the river.

It seems folks had come to see the baby killer whale that had swum all the way up the river, only to get stuck near the Eagle & Phenix Dam (which was blown up a few years ago to make way for the stunning whitewater that now flows there). Sure enough, there it was bobbing up and down. It was bobbing up and down, of course, because it was inflated plastic. It turned out to be a publicity stunt, and I guess it worked.

When I see folks post and share all kinds of incorrect information on social media, even more so during this crazy election season, I’m reminded that folks have always been gullible — it’s just that gullibility seems to be the norm and accepted and excused these days. Continue reading

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