Stuck in the middle with … nobody

If America has a problem, I think we can all agree that it’s that no driver understands what the word “yield” means. Perhaps those signs would be more effective if they read “Hey, buddy! Slow yer roll!”

If America has two problems, however, I think we can all agree that it’s gotta be extreme polarization — which is fine for sunglasses and some white bears who drink Coca-Cola around Christmas. Actually, we can’t all agree on anything in America these days, except that polar bears should wear sunglasses and yield when a seal is turning right.

Our nation hasn’t been this divided since those old Miller Lite commercials with Billy Martin, John Madden, Rodney Dangerfield and the like — you know, the ol’ “tastes great, less filling” ads. Fortunately, we folks who actually drank beer found a middle ground and compromised to determine Miller Lite “tastes filling” but is “less great” than polar bear urine.

(By the way, polar bear urine is dang hard to collect. At least, that’s what my friend One-Armed Sammy says. It also tastes a lot like Coca-Cola with less caffeine but even more diabetes.)

This country can’t keep going forward with Americans on the far side of every single issue. For instance, when it comes to adding Canada as the 51st state, some think it’s a great idea to invite Maple-Leafers to vote on the subject, while others think it’s far more reasonable to simply bomb them into submission. Those of us in the middle — which right now includes me and some lady named Gladys in Wichita — don’t want to annex Canada at all.

Too many polar bears. With American-style health care, none of us outside of Jeff Bezos and his wedding planner can afford to treat any injuries caused by polar bears.

I promise: That’s the last thing I’ve got to say about polar bears. Besides, I have an entire section about koalas coming up. Stay tuned!

Extremists also complain about extremism, but only the extremism on the other side. (Their extremism is just plain, ol’ common sense.) Extremism in politics is how we’ve gotten divided government and subpar leadership. It’s how we get Supreme Court justices who almost always rule as you’d expect. We should seek out justices who are focused on the constitutional merits of each case and don’t care what the politicians, pundits, preachers and pandas think. (Sorry, last bear.) They’ve got to decide hugely important cases:

Brown v. Board of Education

Marbury v. Madison 

Star Wars v. Star Trek

Such important decisions can’t be left to puppets.

Meanwhile, those of us who do not sit in judgment of others (well, not in my black robe anyway) live in a world where there are gray areas, spectrums and thingamajiggies. Not everything is exactly this or that. Not everything is binary.

I know a lot of pundits on Fox News are triggered by anything or anyone that is not binary. Yet, folks are increasingly building a binary world of silos … on both sides. But I’ve been that lonely guy stuck in the middle when you see binary blinders lead to stupid arguments, such as how they are going after Joe Biden and those around him for hiding a supposed decline:

“Joe Biden was senile and incoherent! Y’all hid that from us, while we have the common decency to put President Trump’s insanity on daily public display!”

“Was this when Biden was the mastermind of a crime family or when he was completely incapacitated?”

“Yes!”

My right-wing friends think I’m a Democrat because I’d vote for a used toaster oven before I’d vote for Trump. Yet, when the Democrats ignored almost everyone’s plea to run anyone but Biden, their message was “shut up and get on board,” they heard more swear words from me than they’d hear from Trump speaking to reporters … or on his way to a prayer breakfast.

My left-wing friends often align with the extreme left’s purity tests that can get smart folks like Al Franken and geniuses like me kicked out of their bubble. I admit I was a young Republican in the late 1980s and early 1990s because I’d been swayed by Ronald Reagan’s idealism that I believe was earnest.

That leaves me stranded in the middle. I think they call them independents on the news, yet there are more Bigfoots (or Bigfeet) than true independents in America these days. And, yes, Bigfoot is definitely a bear.

I’ve been an independent since the late 1990s. Those were pretty good times. By the end of the decade, we were running budget surpluses. We even had a chance to actually pay down the debt, but W came in and immediately gave the surplus back to the taxpayers because nothing could ever happen to blow the debt right back up. Right? Neither party left to its own devices will address the debt, nor can they address it (or much of anything else) in an evenly divided government split by just two parties. People often credit Clinton or the Gingrich revolution for that surplus, but that was also when Ross Perot and the little Reform Party were just enough of a middle threat to pull the parties away from the extremes. We need a centrist party today, a legit one. But money rules our politics now, and neither the Democrats nor Republicans are interested in competition.

Look, you can support a tight border and be decent to undocumented folks who are contributing to our society. You can practice your faith without imposing your faith. You can have enough sense to know that the only way to reduce the debt is through smart spending cuts and making the rich pay more in taxes and not have the loopholes that allow them to often pay a lower percentage of their income than working folks do. You can vehemently object to actions by Israel without becoming violent. You can “May the force be with you” and “live long and prosper.”

Although, let’s be honest: “Star Wars” was a little better because they had that wookie bear.

So, can we vow to at least look at the nonbinary areas? Even the SAT has more than A and B. Can we practice a little more moderation than extremism? Who’s with me?!

“What do we want?!”

“Moderation!”

“When do we want it?!”

“In a reasonable duration of time that is adequate for the desired outcome!”