Pearl-clutching reaches new heights

Batman and Catwoman have finally been nabbed — and unmasked. The world is safe again.

In case you have a life and missed it (I don’t and didn’t), Ivan Beerkus and Angela Nikolau, stars of Netflix’s 2024 “Skywalkers” documentary, were arrested Wednesday after ascending and then dangling from the 1,500-foot Empire State Building’s spire while unfurling a flag that read: “When the power of love beats the love of power the world knows peace.” It apparently doesn’t know you need a comma after the second use of the word “power,” but Ivan and Angela are Russian, so they may be comma-nists.

On the way down the spire, they paused for a moment to take some selfies and make the second-biggest romantic news in New York City this week by getting engaged. Some say it was romantic. I say it’s the best way to ensure the woman doesn’t say “no” because she’s 1,400 feet above the streets of the Big Apple. Heck, I’d have said “yes” myself!

Actually, I wouldn’t have said “yes” and not just because I’m not into Russian men. (Kazakhs, maybe.) I have acrophobia, which is Latin for fear of acros. Coincidentally, I also have a fear of heights.

Of course, all the news commentators were going on and on about how this was basically the second 9/11. Folks all over social media clutched their faux pearls and demanded that these hooligans who interrupted their episode of “The Price Is Right” — which I don’t think I’ve watched since you could win a new Gremlin (the car, not the creature) in the Showcase Showdown — be arrested, sentenced to the maximum possible, and possibly executed.

Well, they certainly got arrested. When they were taken into custody, there were twice as many people in jail for this stunt as there are for their involvement with Jeffrey Epstein. Kinda shows you where folks’ priorities are in this country.

But chill out, y’all. Nobody was hurt. Yeah, I know it required cops to pull away from more important duties or donut shops and tend to this matter, but everybody survived. And this couple pointed out a major security flaw. And their flag had a positive message. We will survive this.

I do hope they get off with a slap on the wrist, such as when Donald Trump recently had to pay a $200 fine (true story) for failing to report hundreds of millions in stock deals earlier this year that, shockingly to no one, mostly involved companies the White House was dealing with in one way or another.

Of course, if Ivan and Angela don’t get a slap on the wrist, they’ll realize that their biggest mistake was not unfurling a flag of love and wearing superhero masks. Had they simply unfurled a Confederate flag and worn red MAGA hats, they would be hailed as brave patriots and subsequently pardoned.