Facebook is pretty sure I’m not me

My days on Facebook — at least personally — may be numbered … and not by choice. They just can’t stand my face. Allow me to explain. Or don’t allow me; I’m gonna explain it anyway. 

On December 11, Facebook suffered a massive outage that knocked thousands upon thousands of users off of its platform and logged them out. No big deal, I thought. It’s probably just yet another unnecessary tweak that somebody made to justify having a job, and it caused a minor glitch.

Well, I was wrong. I mean, yeah, it probably was some stupid tweaking that they’re known for, but the glitch stuck — for me anyway. I was on my laptop at the time, and the glitch logged me out of my personal account. No problem, I thought. I’ve got the password. And, besides, it’s still working fine on my iPhone.

Unfortunately, when I tried to log back in on my laptop, it wanted to verify that I am me. Now, I know that I am me, but if they want proof, no problem. All I had to do was use the 2FA (two-factor authentication). That means that beyond knowing your password, they will either text a code to your phone — or you can use a third-party app like Google Authenticator.

Again, cool with me. They decided I had to use Google Authenticator. Fine. I set that up a long time ago — before I even got my latest iPhone. Unfortunately, the code didn’t carry over. Every other app carried over with the information, but not GA even though it is linked to my personal Google profile. What’s the point of it being linked if it won’t move from phone to phone? That’s like buying a new house and when the movers arrive with your car, it has no wheels. Kinda pointless.

They did allow one more way to confirm that I am me — just use your webcam to take a photo of your driver’s license and then record a video (on their platform) of your face. You look this way and that way and so forth so that they can tell that you are you.

Well, apparently I’m not me. I’ve tried that about 146 times, and each time I get a message that I’ve failed. I know for a fact that my recorded face looks exactly like the face on my license, not that that’s a good thing, but it’s definitely the same. I mean, if I were going to fake my face, do you think this face of mine is the one I’d choose? To quote Lady Gaga, I was born this way. I can’t help that my face is defective.

I definitely don’t want to share my face with strangers, but it’s a lot easier to manage multiple Facebook nonprofit and business pages from my laptop than from my phone. Can I just send a blood sample? A stool sample? Maybe a finger I’m not using? (Not the middle finder of my left hand, though — that’s my driving finger; I use it to communicate such messages as “What does the word yield mean on your planet?”)

For a company that no longer cares about facts, they sure are worried about whether I’m real or not. Um, nobody on Facebook is real. It’s the best possible version of themselves and their life. Nobody posts images of themselves bloated or having a luxurious stay at the Dead Squid Smell Inn in Panama City (an underrated resort, by the way).

Facebook has, by far, the most reach of any social media platform. It’s crucial for businesses and nonprofits to be on there. That’s one reason I have another profile to also manage those pages in case Facebook did something stupid like start hating on my face. So, I can still work. But that profile has only one friend — me with my stupid face.

My personal Facebook page that I can’t access via laptop is the one where the unimportant things take place. If my iPhone ever logs me out, I may never be able to get back into it. Let’s face it, my face is not gonna get more acceptable to anyone, much less Facebook. So, my personal Facebook page’s days may be numbered.

Granted, I’ve wasted too much time on my personal Facebook account. Many of us have. It’s helped us connect with so many people we otherwise might have lost touch with. It’s rendered high school reunions almost pointless. We can already see who got fat, who got bald, the big shots who became nobodies, and the nobodies who became big shots. 

It also helps me know who’s gullible, who’s in a left-wing bubble, who’s in a right-wing bubble, who goes along with the crowd, and who is willing to stand in the minority when it is the right thing to do.

I’ve only got a little over 500 Facebook friends because I rarely add anyone. Every now and then I might thin out the list, but more often snowflakes who recoil at differing viewpoints de-friend me to help keep that list manageable. And I thank them for that. I ain’t got time for snowflakes.

What most concerns me about possibly losing that personal Facebook page, though, is the memories that pop up each day. Sometimes they lift my spirits. Other times they remind me of my mistakes. And, every now and then, I’ll see posts I’ve made or one of the thousands of articles I’ve written that I barely remember.

At least my other me and my friends and family can retrieve photos from the page. Those won’t be lost forever, thank goodness.

Facebook may be the big boy of social media, but it is becoming fragmented. I’m OK with Meta failing, as it seems destined to do. I suspect that most companies who put profits before people ultimately meet that fate.

I’m also on BlueSky Social, but I rarely use it. It’s a lot like what Twitter used to be — mostly folks on the left, entertainers and athletes. It’s a little too left for me. Twitter/X is full of right-wing conspiracy theories and hate, and Truth Social is a platform to worship Orange Jesus, but I’ve got accounts there, too, that I almost never use. TikTok may not even be here by summer, but I don’t use it. Instagram is OK, but it’s less effective without hyperlinks in posts.

I may be a man without a social media home. Then again, maybe that could be a good thing. I would be less disappointed in a lot of folks’ values and reasoning power. There are a lot of people inclined to follow others on Facebook and way too few leaders. And nobody cares that I’m always right. Some idiots don’t even believe it!

I’ve reached out to Facebook for help, as I’ve done for multiple issues through the years. I’ve gotten the same response as the folks at SETI who are seeking out intelligent life elsewhere in our universe. Heck, you can barely find intelligent life on this planet.

Well, until my phone locks me out of Facebook for good, I’ll keep uploading my stupid face to the incompetent powers that be. Who knows? The 147th try could be the charm.