If Cracker Barrel hurts your feelings, you might be an EG-NO-RA-MOOSE

I rarely go to a restaurant for lunch. I like having somebody cook and bring me food, but restaurants often have other people in them, and they often ask for my money when I’m done eating — some before I even start eating. The whole experience is rather off-putting.

Yet, my wife suggested today that I try something called “leaving the house” and taking her to lunch. I told her there was some of that lunch stuff right here — vienna sausages, a third of a loaf of bread and some kinds of weeds in a fridge drawer.

“You mean lettuce, broccoli, spinach …”

“That’s what I said, weeds.”

Not fancy-shmancy enough for her, though, so I relented. Not only would I venture outside the house, but I’d pick her up and take her to a luxury restaurant called Cracker Barrel.

I hadn’t crossed my mind to go to a Cracker Barrel in months, and I usually go about twice a year at most, but it was on my mind for some reason. Oh yeah — because Fox News had posted about it 11 times in less than 24 hours on their official Facebook page. Apparently, Cracker Barrel is changing its logo from old Uncle Herschel leaning on a barrel to a boring and bland logo with the same color scheme but just the words “Cracker Barrel.” They also are planning to brighten up the interior somewhat.

Or, in other words, CRACKER BARREL MUST BE OBLITERATED! LET’S PUNISH THEIR WOKE MIND VIRUS. C’MON, FELLOW CANCEL-CULTURE SNOWFLAKES, WE’VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO BE OFFENDED ABOUT! FOX NEWS SAID SO!

Most folks, of course, don’t care. If you had sat me down a week ago, given me brown-ish and orange-ish crayons, and said, “Draw me the Cracker Barrel logo,” I would have been real confused because the only work I do with crayons these days is picking them up after my nearly 3-year-old granddaughter sniffs them, tells me the color and then hurls them like she’s launching a SpaceX Starship. (She’s great at naming colors — not so great at tidying up.) I also wouldn’t know where to start. I didn’t even remember a man being on it, and I only found out his name was Uncle Herschel today.

But Fox News’ social media modus operandi — which, for you uneducated folks is latin for riling up rednecks — is to keep telling you how offensive something is, even if it’s not, until you get offended, and then they can come up with something else that offends you. They should change their name from The Fox News Channel to The “Who’s Bothering You Now, Bubba?” Channel.

And, yes, left-wing outlets also spend a lot of time telling the over-woke why they should be offended by stuff that shouldn’t be offensive, either.

I don’t know when the new logo will be added to our local Cracker Barrel or when they will remove from the walls the old horseshoes, ox yolks, pitchforks, snowshoes and creepy pictures of people who died long ago of yellow fever or serious vapors, but I also don’t care. Just speed it up a little. Are you having to kill my chicken first? I see at least 12 things hanging on the wall that I can kill that chicken with right now?!

If you like the food, go. If you don’t like the food, don’t go. If you’re offended by the logo and style change, well, you probably get offended a lot. But don’t worry — Fox News will have something all new to whine about next week. Maybe Chick-fil-A will replace the cows with pigs, and you can boycott them for a while. Besides, I know for a fact that every single Chick-fil-A cow hired to sell those delicious sandwiches was female. They are DEI cows, and this is a man’s man’s man’s world according to James Brown. Or maybe you can spend some time at the Smithsonian’s new exhibit, “The Era of Luxury Cruises from Africa and the Rural Retreats Generously Provided by Plantation Owners.”

I did get offended at Cracker Barrel today, though. I grabbed one of those stupid triangular peg games to pass the time. The middle hole would not allow a peg to be inserted. “It’s rigged!” I complained to the waitress as if I were Trump learning something didn’t go his way. She explained that sometimes kids accidentally break off pegs in the holes, making the game pretty much useless — as useless as snowshoes hanging on a wall in Perry, Georgia.