The Kudzu Kronicle

Because not all Southerners are the same

Tag: bible

The world is ending … again

In case you haven’t heard, so-called Christian numerologist David Meade says that September 23, 2017 (OMG, that’s this Saturday!) marks the beginning of the end of the world. Again.

Meade claims that a constellation will appear over the skies of Jerusalem on Saturday marking the beginning of the end as the planet Nibiru — which you’ve never heard of because it doesn’t exist — hurtles toward Earth, a rendezvous that will bring all kinds of end-times disasters like earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and new Rascal Flatts albums.

You might not have heard about it because the world has ended so much in the last few decades that it’s hardly even news anymore. (Although, the Washington Post did see fit to report on it here.) I thought when end-times nut Harold Camping died after a couple of failed predictions that maybe folks would take a break from predicting the end times. Myself, I don’t want the surprise ruined, so I wish they’d keep their Biblical mathematics to themselves.

I do have a couple of questions about Saturday’s beginning-of-the-end:

(1) This won’t interfere with the Mississippi State at Georgia game on Saturday, will it? This is a huge SEC showdown, and I’ll bet anyone a million dollars that the Bulldogs will win.

(2) What time should I start making margaritas? I’m not going through the apocalypse sober.

The only sure thing about predicting the end of the world is that someday someone will be correct. It happened with the predictions of Brangelina’s breakup, and it’ll happen with this, too. I’m not going to worry, though, until Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un release a joint Tweet predicting the end of the world. When that happens, I’m running for the tequila.

Today’s a good day for some Bible verses

Note: I don’t know whether my column today was too controversial for the Ledger-Enquirer or if they just forgot to post it on the Ledger-Enquirer’s website. Hopefully, it’s the latter. But it had a lot of direct quotes from Jesus that hypocrites hate, so it’s possible that it would have interfered with the hypocrites’ feel-good spirit on Easter and got spiked. It wouldn’t be the first time in the last 18 years of writing for the L-E that a column got spiked. A couple of times it might even have been justified.. But this is a column that has to run on Easter and be shared on Easter, so I’m sharing it here.


 

Recently, after ISIS got through blowing up some more historical sites in Syria, some ancient texts were discovered, and one of the texts was nearly 1,900 years old. It claimed to be a lost Gospel by someone named Earl. And I believe this must be true because — just like Donald Trump says — I, too, get all my news from the internet.

Earl’s Gospel is a real game changer and validates a lot of religious extremists’ efforts here in the United States to be more condemning and judgmental and less into all that inconvenient peace, love, acceptance and forgiveness Jesus also preached. Earl presents a Jesus more in line with Americans today.

Now, we know in Matthew 5:9, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” However, in Earl 2:8, He is quoted as saying, “As for the Romans, I say we bomb the camel dung out of them, just as soon as we come up with bombs.

In Matthew 6.5, Jesus says, “And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. … But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. ” Thankfully, He clarifies in Earl 6:2, “Although, I must say that praying publicly before football games, graduations and city council meetings is pretty darn important, And, by the way, calling for prayer in schools is a handy election tool for the demagogues.

In Matthew 19:24, Jesus says, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God,” and in Luke 12:48 says, “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.” So, it may sound like Jesus wasn’t much into hoarding wealth, but in Earl 13:21, He notes, “Give enough to get your name on a building or something, but not so much that you can’t afford yachts, Italian sports cars and a Congressman or two.”

In Matthew 25:40, Jesus says, “Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” But don’t fret that you might have to waste your time on our nation’s needy — you know, all those moochers and freeloaders. No, in Earl 14:7, He says, “Thou shalt not waste too much taxpayer money on things like Medicaid and food stamps when we could instead lower the top tax rate 1 percentage point for some rich folks.”

And in Matthew 7:1-2, He says, “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” But lest ye think the kind of folks who pass so-called “religious liberty” bills would make Jesus want to vomit — as I thought — we learn otherwise in Earl 11:25 when Jesus says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t mean gays. Ew! Of course, we can judge them. Somebody, hand me a stone or a legislative pen.”

Uh-oh, I just got a news alert from Snopes that the Gospel of Earl is not 1,900 years old but just 25 years old. Oh, and it’s about some guy named Jesse, not Jesus.

Oh well, at least we have those more familiar Jesus verses to go on this Easter. Pretty good day to reflect on them — and maybe even read a few more. Let’s just hope He didn’t mean everything He said, right?

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