Why do some people still TALK on the phone??

I recently had an older gentleman leave me a voice message wanting to talk about a certain technological issue he was having. Rather than bother with a phone conversation, I tried to save us both some time by sending him a link to everything I knew about the issue (and then some), but he still wanted to talk.

Ugh!

I loathe most, er, well all phone conversations, but I bit the bullet, curled my toes, and made the call. Yep — waste of time. I was able to confirm vocally that I’d already provided everything he could possibly need and then some. I could offer nothing more, but he thanked me for the call.

Earlier this week, I got a phone call from my childhood best friend who lives 2,000 miles away. We hadn’t spoken in months. The phone call lasted approximately 60 seconds. We were done. We usually communicate through electronic means as God has intended since Moses posted that Instagram reel with each of the Ten Commandments. (He might want to repost the first couple… you know, just in case anybody might have forgotten them lately.) Of course, Moses didn’t have an iPhone back then, so he had to post via tablet — right after he shared a TikTok of a bush on fire. (#AndItTalks)

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made that first-ever phone call to assistant Thomas Watson and said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you.” Even Watson knew what phones were for way back then and immediately texted “OTW.” Bell replied with a GIF (crunchy) of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes saying “Whatcha talkin’ bout, Willis?,” but at least he knew proper phone etiquette.

Sometimes scammers will mask a number to call folks with numbers that appear legitimate. Unfortunately, my office number must appear legitimate because someone called recently and said: “Someone called me from this number, but I missed it, and there was no voice mail.”

I explained politely that it wasn’t me, but they were very insistent that it was me. They clearly don’t know me. If I missed a call from Publishers Clearing House trying to set up an appointment to hand me a $10 million check, I’d text them the address and time. I’m not calling anyone unless it’s absolutely mandatory. If I were President of the United States and a foreign minister wanted me to call because he had a plan for Mideast peace (yeah, right), I’d just text back: “cool” and maybe a thumb’s-up if I were feeling particularly garrulous. I couldn’t believe this person would call a stranger for a phone conversation to ask about a missed phone conversation. How much time do these people have on their hands?

So, please, don’t call unless… well, just don’t call. The phone is for texting, checking the weather, arguing politics on Facebook, taking pictures of your lunch, betting on NFL games, checking oil prices (well, not right now, of course), buying concert tickets, checking your bank account after buying those tickets (whew), flinging Angry Birds, Wordl-ing, buying too much on Amazon, reading (I’ve got a novel suggestion, by the way), and for navigating while driving because nobody can read a map these days, much less fold one.

Not that anyone ever could — fold a map, I mean.