The Kudzu Kronicle

It’s so easy to confuse Mitt Romney with Dr. John

There is a major problem in the United States that no one addresses. As a pseudo-journalist whose name has yet to appear on President Trump’s enemies list, it falls upon to me to address this very serious issue. I know I’m not on the list because former FBI Director James Comey did not bring it up during his appearance on “The View.” (Or was I was watching Lurch on “The Addams Family?”)

Anyway, this major problem is from the world of sports. And, no, I’m not talking about that quarterback who took a knee — Colin Kaeppur … Caperni … Whatever, I don’t feel like googling how to spell it right now.

No, this issue involves the NBA. It’s not about the games taking way too long with 27 timeouts and 45 free throws in the final two minutes. I’m not talking about the fact that they banned actual defensive effort since 1998. I’m not even talking about how you can’t enjoy the game anymore because they feel compelled to play horrible music between play and even worse music during play.

“All this dribbling and dunking is making me sleepy. Hey, I know! Play that ‘Seven Nation Army’ thing again!”

I’m talking, of course, about the biggest problem in the NBA, professional sports and quite possibly American history. I’m talking about the Utah Jazz.

What do you mean, “What about the Utah Jazz?” What a stupid question?! You just said the words “Utah Jazz!” That’s the problem. Those two words should never go together. There’s nothing jazzy about Utah. There’s barely anything even musical about Utah. Continue reading

I doubt Harry and Meghan need a toaster

April 17, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

When I was in junior high school, Prince Charles married Diana Spencer, and every girl at my school was swooning over the whole marrying-a-prince fantasy. Every boy at my school only cared about not being last to the monkey bars at recess and therefore being “it” first in a 10-minute game of tag.

Not only did I not care about that wedding or any wedding at that age, but I couldn’t figure out why any country still had royalty or bowed down to other humans. In fact, I still think it’s a little crazy to consider another human being royalty.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I got my royal invitation last week for the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I’m probably gonna skip it because I hate getting dressed up in anything that doesn’t go with flip-flops. Continue reading

Again, I say, the kids are all right

April 13, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

Some folks would like you to think that teenagers today just sit around chewing on their Tide Pods while playing Grand Halo Death Dragon War 5 on the Xbox that they stole after Amazon delivered it to the neighbors’ doorstep across the street. And, sure, that’s mostly what teens do.

But there is a segment of young folks out there — which I’m starting to believe is a vast majority — that wants to make the world a better place to live. They intend to do it through activism, actually voting and by simply caring for others.

You may not agree with kids on issues like gun control, the environment or military intervention, but you have to respect kids whose intentions are good and who are engaged in positive efforts. Simply caring about making the world a better place will go a long way toward doing just that.

Here’s just one story of a teen who cares — my cousin Victoria. Victoria’s always had a huge heart for others and goes all in on this caring thing. In fact, she cares about soccer so much that she’s the goalie for an undefeated Veterans High squad and has earned a scholarship to play next year for Georgia Southwestern, where I spent my college days. Continue reading

Keep this Facebook mess in perspective

April 10, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

Facebook founder CEO and original friend Mark Zuckerberg is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee tomorrow. There is sure to be — as always — plenty of grandstanding by the senators, especially when the TV cameras are on them so that they can perform some of their favorite acting routines.

This is all about privacy, of course. These senators are set to pretend they care about your privacy. Of course, we all know better than that. What are we supposed to believe next? That Scott Pruitt cares about the environment? That Betsy DeVos cares about education? That Sylvester cares about Tweety? C’mon, man!

It’s all a performance. It’s a stage for senators to put together highlight reels for their next campaigns. The senators know it. Zuckerberg knows it. We all know it. If you’re unfamiliar with how these hearings work, here’s a preview of what you will see tomorrow: Continue reading

No one can read what I write

April 3, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

Last week I watched an excellent — if a couple hours too long — two-part HBO special called “The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling.” It was produced and directed by Judd Apatow, who considered Shandling his mentor.

The show took a deep look at one of the greatest comedic minds of our time by mixing in clips and interviews amid short handwritten musings from Shandling’s diaries. As the handwriting would appear, I was struck by how much pain this guy, like so many comedians went though. I was struck by how insightful he was. And I thought to myself, “Wow, he has really nice handwriting!”

To be fair, everyone has nicer handwriting than I do. Over the years I’ve seen folks put paintbrushes in the trunks of elephants or have monkeys do paintings, and I’m pretty sure their signatures on the works look far better than mine. My signature is just two words, yet you can’t actually read it. You can make out the “C” at the beginning, but after that it’s looks like I passed out shortly after starting the “h” and suffered a concussion long before I got to starting the “J” — although I try to scribble it similarly each time so that it’s semi-official. Continue reading

If you’re ignorant, this post may offend you — I certainly hope so

March 29, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

The image above on the left shows Marjory Stoneman Douglas student Emma Gonzalez ripping up a target. The image on the right is a fake one shared by millions of ignorant people who believed she was actually ripping up the U.S. Constitution.

The kind of folks who share images like the one on the right also are more likely to believe the fake image going around of Gonzalez “attacking a Second Amendment supporter’s car.” Spoiler alert: The original photo is of pop star Britney Spears during a freak-out years ago. We have no idea whether the paparazzi she targeted liked the Second Amendment or not.

The kind of folks who share images like that are the kind of folks who actually believe MSD student David Hogg is a crisis actor and not even a student at MSD. Spoiler alert: He’s not a crisis actor, and, yes, he’s a student at the school, a school where his friends — not his crisis actor cast mates — were gunned down … and where he still attends school.

The kind of folks who share all of that fake mess are also more likely to be the ones who scream “FAKE NEWS!” at legitimate journalists and thank President Trump for saying what he means and meaning what he says — such as when he says Mexico will pay for a wall or he had the biggest crowd in inauguration history or he doesn’t know these women or … you get the idea. Continue reading

Trump should go all-in on this whole TV administration thing

March 27, 2018 / kudzukid / 0 Comments

Lately, President Trump has taken a lot of heat for turning to television for people to fill posts throughout his administration. Of course, that’s simply going to make him even more intent upon doing exactly that.

I say the president should double-down on this whole television administration thing. I know he’d like to basically employ all of Fox News, but I think that is far too limiting, and they make a lot more money scaring old white folks in primetime than they could all day in government. He should reach beyond punditry channels, news networks and reality TV. He should give some strong consideration to fictional TV characters.

For instance, I think Archie Bunker would make a great press secretary. Trump obviously does not care about political correctness, and Archie Bunker does not seem to be too fond of it, either. I would love to hear Archie take questions from all those Meatheads in the briefing room. “Geez Louise, Sciutto! Ain’t you got a question that’s got nuttin’ to do with what Trump done Tweetbooked on the pot this morning?” Continue reading

Have I meat-ed the end?

March 20, 2018 / kudzukid / 2 Comments

A couple of years ago, I wrote a column to help me cope with my son’s shocking conversion to vegetarianism. I come from a family barely evolved from Cro-Magnon man — you know, those guys who flew on pterodactyls and had their cars tipped over by giant racks of brontosaurus ribs. We have always been meatatarians.

As I said at the time, though, everyone should be a vegetarian. It’s way better for the environment, and scientists are pretty insistent that it’s better for your health, too. Unfortunately, as I also said at the time, it was too late for me. I was already one brontosaurus rib over the line — yep, sittin’ downtown in a railway station, one rib over the line.

Then I found out the main artery into my heart was so clogged that even a Drano burger couldn’t clear it out. The doctor sent some pipe cleaner up my arm, cleared that sucker out, put in a stent and suggested that I’d have to do it all over again very soon if I didn’t give up my Cro-Magnon diet, especially red meat — you know, burgers, steaks and mammoths. Continue reading