Sorry, Grandma, but, you know, the economy

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Sorry, Grandma, but, you know, the economy

(Photo: Remember “Logan’s Run,” where they were secretly killing off folks when they reached age 30?) I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but I’ve heard plenty of them over the years — the moon landing was staged, JFK was not killed by a single bullet, Obama is a Muslim born in Kenya, Melania has a body double, Bert and Ernie of “Sesame Street” are gay, etc. Then again, maybe I’ve never been much for conspiracy theories because I’m not much for following other people’s leads. There are a lot of natural-born followers out there — that’s how cults get started […]

Coronavius testing shortage: You can’t find what you’re not looking for

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Coronavius testing shortage: You can’t find what you’re not looking for

(Photo: Unless this guy drives you to get a coronavirus test, you’re probably not going to get one.) Big news! Day 10 of self-quarantine, and I almost got tested. That’s the second time I’ve almost gotten tested in the past eight days, so we are definitely making progress on this testing front! Way to go, leaders! I’m still hearing reports of five cases in one county, four there, and three here. Please remember that’s all baloney. The entire state of Georgia has tested fewer than 10,000 folks at this point, and the vast majority of those folks are in urban […]

When numbers don’t mean a whole lot

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When numbers don’t mean a whole lot

I’ve always been more of a words guy than a numbers guy. I think numbers are from the devil himself. For instance, they say “666” is the mark of the beast. See? Numbers! If words were from the devil, “Larry” might be the mark of the beast. Or maybe “Harold.” Even on “Sesame Street,” they use a vampire — the undead, for crying out loud — to talk to kids about numbers. This is clearly an evil trick. I’ve had a lot of time to think about numbers over the past week. I’ve had a lot of time to think […]

Day 4 of self-quarantine

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Day 4 of self-quarantine

The next coronavirus bill passed by Congress and signed by the president should require that anyone ordered to self-quarantine by their doctor should be able to do so on a small island of their choosing. Contact your congressional representative today. So, Day 4 of this stay-at-home stuff, and I’m already feeling better. I’m now 57 percent sure I’m not carrying coronavirus. But, because I cannot definitively say I don’t have Covid-19, or the flu, or pneumonia, or ebola, or the Bubonic Plague with this extreme lack of testing, I’m supposed to stay home for another 10 days or so before […]

Keep your hands to yourself

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Keep your hands to yourself

One of the main messages surrounding the coronavirus outbreak is that hands are nasty. Your hands. Everybody else’s hands. And especially any hands that were at CPAC. So, wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Don’t high-five anyone. Don’t play thumb wars. And, above all, don’t shake hands. With anyone. Ever. That last little bit of advice is a little tricky for most folks. When I was a young man, the importance of a handshake and doing it right was drilled into me. Be firm, but don’t squeeze. Look them in the eyes while you shake their hands. And, hand-buzzers […]

I don’t have coronavirus, or maybe I do — it’s hard to tell in Houston County, Georgia

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I don’t have coronavirus, or maybe I do — it’s hard to tell in Houston County, Georgia

Click here for my Day 4 quarantine blog update. Day 2 of quarantine … still alive! That’s right, I’m on a 14-day self-quarantine, along with my wife. It’s sort of a staycation with coughing, except that I’m able to work from home, and she’s trying to figure out how to do it in this nation of no guaranteed sick leave. Over the weekend, we both developed coughs, and my condition felt almost exactly like the pneumonia I was diagnosed with in January. That pneumonia was never confirmed because apparently you need an X-ray to confirm that, and, you know, this […]

Is is that hard to not cheat?

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Is is that hard to not cheat?

By now just about everyone has heard about the Houston Astros’ sign-stealing scandal, a cheating scheme that likely helped them win the 2017 World Series. It’s absolutely shocking … that people are actually talking about Major League Baseball. This is the time of the year that folks talk about how they miss college and NFL football, about that trailer that just dropped for Season 3 of “Ozark” or that chicken sandwich from Popeye’s and whether it’s better than the one at Chick-Fil-A and whether it was worth the wait or worth getting shot. But baseball? Sure, we’re excited about tee-ball […]

I’m ready for the coronazombielypse

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I’m ready for the coronazombielypse

Before the administration muzzled its infectious disease experts and ordered them to funnel anything they say through the U.S. Department of Don’t Worry ‘Bout It, they kind of let it slip that this whole coronavirus thing just might get worse before it gets better. Or as President Trump explained in remarkable detail, “We’ll see.” Fortunately, talk radio star Rush Limbaugh put everyone at ease on his February 24 show by explaining, “The coronavirus is the common cold, folks.” That’s very reassuring coming from a guy who decried the “nanny state” that frowned upon his love of cigars before he developed […]