The Kudzu Kronicle

Because not all Southerners are the same

Deport Michael Williams back to Trumptopia

There’s no shortage of disgusting candidates running for the GOP gubernatorial nomination in Georgia, but Michael Williams just might be the worst with his Deportation Bus. Granted, illegal immigration is a yuge issue in this state, ranking only slightly behind gnats seeking to unionize.

I’m all for strong borders and ensuring that only citizens can vote. However, I have a problem with those whose immigration stances all seem to stem from one thought — I hate brown people. Worse than that are the people like Michael Brown who pander to those who hate brown people.

Today’s column in the Ledger-Enquirer is about the racist lawyer up in New York City who snapped when he heard Spanish being spoken at a Fresh Market there.  I know he’s a Trump fan, and I suspect he’d love to drive Michael Williams’ Deportation Bus.

At least today will mark the end of Williams’ gubernatorial run, and we can get back to pandering to right-wing Georgians’ other backward views on religious liberty, LGBT issues, gun control and shifting state revenue production to the backs of the poor while coddling the rich.

GOP gubernatorial candidates agree on 1 thing: changing Georgia’s motto to “Yeehaw!”

If you’ve seen Republican Brian Kemp’s latest ads in the gubernatorial primary race here in Georgia, it’s hard to tell if they are real or a “Saturday Night Live” sketch.  Meanwhile, front-runner Casey Cagle is constantly reminding folks how much he loves President Trump. In fact, he loves him so much, I’m afraid one of his ads might appear on my Direct TV’s naughty channels.

I’m used to both Democrats and Republicans pandering to their bases during primary season, only to have to walk everything back when the general election rolls around. But these Republicans are so over the top with their pandering to the lowest common denominators in their bases that it will be impossible to walk it all back.

And with just over a week to go before the official primary vote — although a July 24 runoff seems likely — they are doubling down on the comedy. Fortunately, I was able to get my hands on an exclusive copy of their latest gubernatorial debate, and the Ledger-Enquirer decided to publish it online today — a day ahead of its usual run date.

It’s sure to make my conservative friends very happy.

read it in the ledger-enquirer here

Continue reading

Y’all should never call

I’m not a huge fan of being around humans. I’ve probably mentioned it before. I mean, as a mammal, they are highly overrated. In fact, I just spent this past Saturday on Georgia’s largest barrier island, Cumberland Island, which allows only about 250 or so folks on it a day — or as I like to call it when I’m there, about 248 too many.

I don’t like small talk. I don’t want to talk about the weather. I don’t like to hear your opinions on the game last night. I certainly don’t want to talk about politics, especially when I’m the only one who’s right. Discussing politics with someone whose politics are wrong just means you have to wait until they finish their incredibly idiotic point so that you can rebut it with common sense and facts, which means they just start talking again on a completely new idiotic line of reasoning — or lack thereof.

Many times I’ve seen someone I know a block ahead on the sidewalk or on another aisle of the store and immediately go into CIA covert mode, ducking behind shrubs and clothing racks like I’m a fugitive from the law.

“Who is that?” my wife will ask, figuring the gig is finally up.

“It’s someone I know, and they might want to talk. Ditch the buggy! Let’s get out of here!” Continue reading

The trickle-down fairy tale is losing steam

After the GOP trotted out every employee who got a one-time bonus and Speaker Paul Ryan touted the school secretary getting an extra $1.50 in her paycheck, the truth is starting to come out that — surprise — the Republican tax bill is mainly helping corporations and millionaires. Hmm, where’s my shocked-face emoji?

Even Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) has recently come out saying there’s no evidence that the tax bill is helping American workers. Corporations are using it to buy back stocks and increase dividend payments. Meanwhile the deficit is soaring, and the debt is climbing to untenable levels. Ultimately, the American worker and the poor will not only see virtually no reward from the tax bill, but they’ll wind up suffering the most because of it.

Of course, Rubio must decide whether he’s going to keep pitching the party line of how great this bill is working or he’ll have to separate himself from the crowd to make sure that he doesn’t suffer political harm when his constituents realize they’ve been scammed. I suspect he’ll backtrack on his criticism and try to find a vague middle ground where folks will forget whether he was for or against this bill.

Or, he could pitch the plan I pitched in November when they were still deciding how bad of a bill they could craft. Now that it has been proven yet again that trickle-down economics is a fairy tale, try trickle-up economics.

It would work for all Americans.

And that’s why it would never pass.

NRA meets in Texas … and no guns are allowed

Vice President Mike Pence will deliver the keynote address at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting in Dallas on Friday to a massive group of staunch Second Amendment and Open Carry supporters — provided, of course, those gun lovers leave their guns outside. That’s right, no guns at the gun rally.

The NRA, which is riding high and raking in tons of money as it always does with its fear-mongering following school shootings — and school shootings are great for the NRA’s fundraising business — will have both Pence and President Trump at the meeting, which means no guns. It’s not their rule, they stress. It’s merely standard operating procedure for the Secret Service to ban guns from such gatherings.

This leaves many — especially those impacted by the Parkland shootings — to call these folks gathering in Dallas hypocrites. Yes, the same NRA that stands firm and cries “You can have my guns when you pry it from my cold, small, dead heads!” responds to the Secret Service’s demand of a gun-free zone with, “Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir.”

I say the NRA should stand up for itself, with the help of Pence and Trump, who already are bringing out one the GOP’s greatest hits — “If you elect Democrats, they will take your guns” — for the 2018 midterms. Pence and Trump should tell the Secret Service that they must abandon their standard operating procedure for this event. I’m sure Pence and Trump will feel plenty safe speaking in front of thousands of good guys with guns — a crowd that will look like what would happen if you spilled water on Ted Nugent and fed him after midnight.

However, if the NRA, Pence and Trump do not stand up for their gun lovers at this event, they are sending a clear message to the Parkland kids:

We’re too important to get shot — you’re not.

The eyes have it — and whatever it is needs fixing

My wife and I passed an optometrist’s office yesterday, and she used the opportunity to suggest I might need to consider updating my prescription — which I’ve had roughly since Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals while trying to read what he wrote in Poor Richard’s Almanack during a thunderstorm.

“We need to go by there and get you some new glasses and contacts,” she suggested.

“I can’t see that happening,” I argued.

“You can’t see anything — that’s why you need to go to the eye doctor!”

My wife likes to send me to doctors, but the last time she sent me to a doctor, they put me in a hospital, Roto-Rootered an artery in my heart and gave me a bill that looked like the budget for a small Central American nation. Dying would have been more economical, and my insurance company probably agrees as they have me on the Bronze Please Die Already Plan for a mere $1,184 a month. Continue reading

It’s so easy to confuse Mitt Romney with Dr. John

There is a major problem in the United States that no one addresses. As a pseudo-journalist whose name has yet to appear on President Trump’s enemies list, it falls upon to me to address this very serious issue. I know I’m not on the list because former FBI Director James Comey did not bring it up during his appearance on “The View.” (Or was I was watching Lurch on “The Addams Family?”)

Anyway, this major problem is from the world of sports. And, no, I’m not talking about that quarterback who took a knee — Colin Kaeppur … Caperni … Whatever, I don’t feel like googling how to spell it right now.

No, this issue involves the NBA. It’s not about the games taking way too long with 27 timeouts and 45 free throws in the final two minutes. I’m not talking about the fact that they banned actual defensive effort since 1998. I’m not even talking about how you can’t enjoy the game anymore because they feel compelled to play horrible music between play and even worse music during play.

“All this dribbling and dunking is making me sleepy. Hey, I know! Play that ‘Seven Nation Army’ thing again!”

I’m talking, of course, about the biggest problem in the NBA, professional sports and quite possibly American history. I’m talking about the Utah Jazz.

What do you mean, “What about the Utah Jazz?” What a stupid question?! You just said the words “Utah Jazz!” That’s the problem. Those two words should never go together. There’s nothing jazzy about Utah. There’s barely anything even musical about Utah. Continue reading

I doubt Harry and Meghan need a toaster

When I was in junior high school, Prince Charles married Diana Spencer, and every girl at my school was swooning over the whole marrying-a-prince fantasy. Every boy at my school only cared about not being last to the monkey bars at recess and therefore being “it” first in a 10-minute game of tag.

Not only did I not care about that wedding or any wedding at that age, but I couldn’t figure out why any country still had royalty or bowed down to other humans. In fact, I still think it’s a little crazy to consider another human being royalty.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I got my royal invitation last week for the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I’m probably gonna skip it because I hate getting dressed up in anything that doesn’t go with flip-flops. Continue reading

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