For many years now, I’ve published my annual Year in Preview in the print edition of the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer. However, the Ledger-Enquirer’s pages are filled with reports from legitimate journalists about what’s going on in Columbus and around the world — or as President Trump calls it, “Fake News! Sad!”
I cannot afford to have my annual Year in Preview — which is not a bunch of predictions and prognostications about the year 2018 but an actual collection of soon-to-be-proven-true facts — associated with “Fake News!” This is too important.
I’ve already run these by both Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Sean Spicer and they verified that all of what is to follow is a genuine, 100 percent, verified assemblage of words.
Spoiler alert: If you want everything that’s going to happen in 2018 to be a surprise, stop reading now! However, if you want a sneak peek, here’s everything that will happen in …
- The Georgia Bulldogs win the Rose Bowl 24-20 over Oklahoma as Sooners quarterback Baker Mayfield’s sprint toward the end zone with no time on the clock comes up short when he is tackled by several members of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department at the 1-yard line. Georgia’s Roquan Smith is named Rose Bowl MVP and an honorary L.A. sheriff’s deputy.
- Saying that the man has suffered enough, the U.S. Supreme Court rules the Gadsden Mall must allow access to Roy Moore, ending his cruel and unusual 40-year unsatisfied craving for Sbarro.
- The NFL announces that, due to declining attendance and TV ratings, next month’s Super Bowl will be moved from Minneapolis’ U.S. Bank Stadium to Perry High School.
- President Donald Trump delivers his first — and the first — Shtade of the Unyah Addresh.
- CNN launches a new channel called the “Tonight We Have Major Breaking News in the Russia Investigation — No, Really This Time — Network.” To give it credibility, they have James Earl Jones return to voice the slogan, “You’re watching TWHMBNRINRTTN.”
- At the Westminster Dog Show, Eddie — a half-Bull Mastiff/half-Shih Tzu mix known as a Bull Shih Tzu — wins Best of Show.
- In a Super Bowl rematch, the New England Patriots edge the Atlanta Falcons 17-15 after the Falcons have five apparent touchdowns overturned by referees. After the game, referee crew chief Big Louie Devino says, “Hey, I checked da replays and I seen what I seen! Capiche?”
- At the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un is the surprise gold medalist in the men’s singles figure skating competition. Judges awarded him perfect 10.0s across the board for his routine set to The Gap Band’s “You Dropped a Bomb on Me.”
- Sassy the horse accuses Roy Moore of inappropriately stroking her mane and crude humor involving carrots. Moore calls the accusation “fake neighs.”
- Prize-winning Bull Shih Tzu Eddie is stripped of his Best of Show title when he declares on “Good Morning America” that he now identifies as a cat. “I feel calico,” Eddie tells Robin Roberts.
- Roy Moore is banned from the Gadsden Stalls.
- Heisman Trophy winner Baker Mayfield is selected by the Mean Machine with the 7th pick of the NFL Draft.
- The White House releases complete results from the president’s extensive medical evaluation. New Chief of Staff Col. Sanders reports that Trump’s physician, Dr. Pepper, found the president to be in excellent shape. Journalists are skeptical of the announcement, noting that Col. Sanders delivered the report with a Grimace.
- With its Russia coverage now relegated to a new network, CNN announces a revolutionary experiment —24-hour coverage of actual news.
- Roy Moore finally concedes the U.S. Senate loss but then announces he will run for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, choosing Benny Mardones’ “Into the Night” as his campaign theme song.
- A liberated Sassy wins the Kentucky Derby, calling it a victory for harassed fillies everywhere.
- As summer nears, meteorologists predict seven major hurricanes, six minor hurricanes, 14 piña coladas, 12 Bahama mamas, 10 rum runners, 16 mai tais and 174 frozen margaritas on Chris Johnson’s back porch, patio and grilling bar at Margaritahill.
- The Trump Administration bans its agencies from using several more words, including whereas, however, from, squirrel, and, basketball & the. “This oughta be a hoot,” Chief of Staff Col. Sanders says.
- The first MegaMillions winning numbers of the month are drawn. They are 11, 22, 23, 27 and 42 with a Mega Ball of 17. Wait. Sorry. That’s actually the starting lineup for the Phoenix Suns and their new sixth man off the bench, Mega Ball — recently discovered son of LaVar Ball and younger brother of the Lakers’ Lonzo Ball.
- North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un defects to South Korea after a GreatClips opens just across the border.
- The Suns’ Mega Ball wins the NBA’s Sixth Man of the Year Award.
- Nearly six months after declaring Jerusalem the capital of Israel by citing the Jews’ historical ties to the city, President Trump returns half of Georgia to the Creek and Cherokee tribes, citing their historical ties to the land.
- Tony Bennett, 91, releases his latest album, “Tony Hip-Hops Some Groovy Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy.”
- Chris Johnson retires from writing and doing anything productive after he trips over a large bag of Bitcoins he found under the bed. With approximately 875 Bitcoins in it, the currency is worth about $16 million.
- Looking to bounce back after a horrific 2017 season, the NFL’s Denver Broncos bring three new quarterback prospects to training camp — Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Archie Manning. Asked about the family quarterback competition, Peyton responds, “You know I’m the starter, right?” (You gotta sing it.)
- Eddie — the Bull Shih Tzu-turned-calico-cat — is arrested while trying to use a litter box in Texas.
- Chris Johnson begins applying for jobs after realizing those were not Bitcoins in that bag but rather game tokens from the Barrel of Fun at the Warner Robins Mall. The bag, however, would be worth about 875 games of Donkey Kong and Galaga if the Barrel of Fun and the Warner Robins Mall still existed.
- Even Democrats agree that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation is spiraling out of control when he indicts former Atlanta Braves General Manager John Coppolella, Carrot Top, Siri and everyone whose last name rhymes with “Trump” on various charges.
- Not satisfied with the quarterback competition so far, the Denver Broncos sign Olivia Manning. After throwing for 276 yards and three touchdowns during a preseason win over the Dallas Cowboys (in which she also sent three defenders to the hospital with brutal stiff-arms), Olivia is named the starter over her husband and sons.
- Angered when Tony Bennett’s album goes triple-platinum, Kanye West accuses the crooner of disrespecting “real geniuses like myself” and releases his own album titled, “Kanye Attempts Songs That Require Musical Talent.”
- Following the Mueller indictments, Helen Crump surrenders to authorities and is ordered held without bond at the Mayberry Jail (a.k.a. “The Rock”).
- Kanye West’s debut single off his new album — “Y’all Mind If I Start Over?” — soars to No. 2 on the charts. Critics, fearing they’ll be deemed irrelevant if they don’t praise it, call the song “pure musical genius.”
- Conservative radio and TV personality Sean Hannity is the lone survivor of the Climate Change Deniers Conference in Louisiana when he rescued by atheist transgender Hispanic Army helicopter pilots after a tornado spun off by a category 5 hurricane scoops up a wildfire and strikes the hotel’s conference center while it is being shaken by a fracking-induced earthquake. “Thank God I was able to escape this completely normal Louisiana weather,” Hannity tells Fox News.
- NBA star Mega Ball is arrested for allegedly shoplifting a bag of yak innards during a goodwill basketball exhibition in Mongolia.
- Helen Crump requests a new bond hearing, alleging harassment by an intoxicated man in an adjacent cell at “The Rock.”
- Frustrated by slow internet service resulting from the destruction of net neutrality, poor Americans leave their houses and begin conversing with one another. “You know,” one poor person says, “I might just quit taking those online surveys and actually vote at the ballot box this year.”
- Republicans and President Trump call upon the FCC to immediately restore net neutrality.
- Benny Mardones asks Roy Moore to stop using “Into the Night” as his campaign theme song, saying, “Strangely, that song never creeped me out until now.”
- Extremely straight cake bakers celebrate Republican and “religious liberty” advocate Casey Cagle’s victory in the Georgia gubernatorial race. “No longer will I have to risk going to Hell by putting a little plastic man next to another little plastic man atop a four-tier cake,” says Gladys Thistle, who also bakes for Possum Holler Primitive Snake Handling Baptist Church’s annual fundraising cakewalk.
- President Trump signs Executive Order 3A6511, revoking the Obama-era declaration of the moon as the “Official Lunar Object of the Earth” because, you know, Obama.
- At the American Music Awards, Kanye West wins song of the year for “Hey, What’s This Thing With The Six Strings On It?”
- After leading efforts to cut Medicare, Social Security, Medicaid and the Children’s Health Insurance Program, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announces his retirement from Congress to “do some soul searching.” When asked for comment, God replies, “Good luck finding it.”
- Extremely straight cake bakers in Georgia get an unexpected windfall when they are hired to bake going-away cakes for Amazon, Coca-Cola, Time-Warner, Viacom, Salesforce, Disney, AMC Networks, the 2019 Super Bowl, etc. … “I told you this would be a good thing,” Gladys Thistle says while baking a cake for Disney, which had filmed “Guardians of the Galaxy” and many other films in Georgia. “Let me just put Mickey on top of this going-away cake. Hmm, Mickey only has four fingers — I don’t know if we’re going to be able to make him do that special going-away salute they requested.”
- Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump return home after a holiday safari in which they shoot and kill two elephants, a giraffe, the last black rhino and four people who said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”
- Santa Claus is detained by immigration officials while trying to sneak into Maine via an un-FAA-approved flying device with live animals, very short potential terrorists and a bag of items not clearly labeled as having been produced outside the United States.