2020: The Year in Preview

When most folks make predictions, they are merely guessing. But when I make predictions — especially about something as important and as annual as my Year in Preview — know that I am not merely guessing. Puh-leeze! I’m no amateur here. I’m guessing and throwing two tennis balls against a wall, each ball with a prediction about a topic of major importance.

Then I send ol’ Blue here, a hound dog with the ability to foretell the future, to chase the balls. Whichever one he pees on is the prediction I announce. By the time I get around to predicting December, the balls are a little damp and hard to decipher.

Of course, 2020 is an election year, which means that this might touch on politics a little bit and cause more snowflake melting than global warming.

So, without further ado or a-eww, here’s what’s going to happen in …

JANUARY

After Heisman winner Joe Burrow is injured in the second quarter, quarterback Justin Fields transfers from Ohio State to LSU at halftime and leads the Tigers to a 51-48 come-from-behind victory over the Buckeyes in college football’s national championship game.

There is a surprise addition to the presidential election as Jesus descends from Heaven and announces He is challenging Donald Trump for the GOP nomination. Trump immediately runs to the bathroom to poop tweet about a “Hippie socialist who should be seeking the Democratic nomination. #WrongParty!”

Inspired by the United Kingdom, Wal-Marts across the U.S. are redesigned to have “Entrances” and “Brexits” instead of “Exits.” The move is designed to keep customers in the store indefinitely.

The U.S. Senate’s impeachment hearings are moved from C-SPAN to Hustler TV after an unfortunate live incident involving Sen. Lindsey Graham and an inflatable Trump doll.

FEBRUARY

At the Democratic presidential debate in Manchester, N.H., front-runner Joe Biden promises to travel to all 13 colonies in his quest to beat Donald Trump.

National security officials get nervous and thousands panic when Trump cryptically tweets at halftime of Super Bowl LIV: “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 …” They are relieved to find out the president is merely rating the looks of women performers in the women-themed halftime show headlined by Shakira and Jennifer Lopez.

A new Fox News poll shows that 95% of Republicans say they’re still voting for Trump in the GOP primary, noting that while they really, really love Jesus, they find His views on helping the poor, immigrants, the hungry and the sick a bit archaic and his criticism of wealth hoarding to be “class warfare” and “socialist.”

MARCH

In a desperate effort to distance himself from the remaining white candidates seeking the Democratic nomination and court minority votes, Bernie Sanders releases a music album, “Bernie Raps and Hip-Hops Tunes the Young Black Folk will Enjoy.” The album features hits “No Money, No Problems,” “Straight Outta Yo Bank Account” and “You Be Illin’ … But You Can Now See a Doctor About It Without Going Bankrupt.”

In a letter addressed to North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, Moby Dick asks the dictator to stop firing his missiles into the ocean. Kim responds, “Whale, I’ll think about it.”

The nation’s Upper Midwest is crippled by a late-winter Heath Caramel Brownie Blizzard.

APRIL

In an effort “to be more transparent,” Georgia’s 8th District congressman Rep. Austin Scott officially changes his name to Rep. Gerry Mander.

During a rally in Meth Meadows, Michigan, President Trump announces that his administration has “cured the Tropic of Cancer, but do I get any credit for it? Nooooo!”

With the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals surprise absolutely no one by drafting Scottie Steinfeld, a one-legged punter from Southwest North Dakota State.

Rudy Guiliani is dispatched to Uzbekistan to research Bigfoot’s role in the JFK assassination.

MAY

The first Indy 500 exclusively featuring self-driving cars ends in controversy, when the apparent winner Chevy No. 14 injures its front left axle in a post-race brawl with Honda No. 34, which accused the Chevy of cheating during an interview with sideline reporter Toyota Prius.

Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders lay their hands on President Trump and pray for his success in the presidential campaign in the wake of the competition from Jesus, praying “God, please help Dear Leader through to the nomination again” as President Trump softly mumbles, “It burns, it burns.”

A 6-to-1 favorite, Maxfield wins the Kentucky Derby. Unfortunately, the celebration is marred as jockey Jose Ortiz breaks his ankle while getting off the horse and has to be euthanized on the spot.

JUNE

Newspaper columnist Chris Johnson begins celebrating — well, marking with a sense of amazement he made it this far — his 50th birthday at an undisclosed beach.

The highly anticipated summer blockbuster movie “WonderBatAquaSuperman vs. the X-Avenger Iron Spider Guardians in the Deep End of the Deadpool (Part I)” rakes in $3.4 billion in its opening weekend at the box office.

The National Tequila Foundation reports a sudden and unexplained tequila shortage along the coast of Georgia.

JULY

At the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, the surfing competition — and, yes, that’s a new thing this year — is somewhat marred when Brazil’s Felipe Toledo is eaten by Godzilla, costing him (Toledo, not Godzilla) a shot at a gold medal. Godzilla gets the bronze.

The Democrats surprise everyone by nominating a man from Plains, Ga., at their convention in Milwaukee. In his acceptance speech, the man says, “My name is Jimmy Carter, and I’m running for president because you can’t seem to find anybody who interests the base and I’m just not sure about these young kids — you know, Bernie and Joe.”

NASA’s Mars 2020 Mission blasts off from Cape Canaveral with a rover tasked with studying the habitability of Mars in preparation for future human missions to Mars.

AUGUST

Still seeking just one delegate, Jesus is denied entry into the Republican National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. He is told, “Dude, we’ve already let in Kanye and Diamond and Silk — I think we’ve met our quota for non-white folks here.”

The new “Thank God for Daddy” chain of toy stores launches and names Hunter Biden, Eric Trump, Paris Hilton, Kendall Jenner, Hank Williams Jr. and Kelly Osbourne to its board of directors at salaries of $50,000 per month.

Attorney General William Barr releases a 1-page summary of the Bible that reads, “Do right, y’all.”

SEPTEMBER

The Dow Jones soars 425 points as President Trump tweets: “Really, really big deal in the works!”

As sea level rise causes waves from the Atlantic Ocean to lap at the front door of Mar-a-Lago, President Trump tweets that “Sea level rise is FAKE NEWS and climate change is a Chinese hoax. I’ve merely installed the biggest-ever moat. It’s huge.”

The Dow Jones plummets 415 points as President Trump tweets: “As I promised, very big deal — KFC’s $6 Mix & Match Deal now just $5. #OriginalRecipeBaby @ColSanders

OCTOBER

At the American Music Awards, Charlie Daniels wins for Best Rap Song for “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” narrowly defeating C.W. McCall’s “Convoy” and Jimmy Dean’s “Big John.”

The Mars 2020 rover begins reporting findings and sending pictures from its mission. NASA reports that while the probe mysteriously landed more than four months earlier than planned, the images make it clear that Mars is in no way, no how an option for human missions. Spokesman Reginald Dwight says, “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it’s cold as hell.”

President Trump announces a major climate change initiative by using a Sharpie to move the Equator 20 degrees southward.

NOVEMBER

Approximately 300,000 Georgians show up to vote only to find out they have been purged from the state’s voter rolls for not voting recently. They claim to have been stuck in a Popeye’s drive-thru waiting for a chicken sandwich.

NASA confesses that the reason its Mars rover landed four months early was because it landed in Newark, N.J. instead of Mars.

Millions of Bolivians line up to purchase air-conditioners now that they live along the Sharpiequator.

DECEMBER

During a game against the Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton refuses to punt on fourth down and keeps his offense on the field, calling the NFL rules about needing a first down “archaic” and the referees’ actions throughout the game a “sham” and a “kangaroo court run by a bunch of whistleblowers.” The Saints win 21-20 as Drew Brees hits Michael Thomas on a 4-yard TD pass on 17th-and-goal with 1 second to play.

A debate over whether the new film “Die-Hard with the Gremlins” is a Christmas movie turns deadly with 27 people killed.

Santa’s annual delivery of presents is delayed when climate activist Greta Thunberg convinces him to deliver gifts by boat this Christmas. He is expected to be done sometime in 2047.