• Month: January 2020

    Don’t just die; live on as a tree

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    Don’t just die; live on as a tree

    “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” It sounds like something Barbara Walters would ask on “20/20” 40 years ago or something you might hear in a job interview if the person interviewing you is an idiot who doesn’t care whether or not you can do the job. But now it has some relevance thanks to the Capsula Mundi. That’s not some new spaceship Elon Musk has designed, nor is it some wonderful new miracle drug that your health insurance company will never cover. The Capsula Mundi is a burial pod. That’s right. After you […]

    S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

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    S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

    We rarely go to restaurants these days, but we were 10 minutes from home, hungry and it was too late for lunch but too early to begin grilling dinner. My wife suggested we stop for a quick snack at a fast-food restaurant. Never one to turn down grease congealed into round and square semi-edible items, I slung the car into the parking lot. “Great idea!” A few minutes later, we were sitting at a table with order 298 — a round grease thing for her and six tiny round grease things for me — when we realized we were trapped. […]

    Don’t eat their feet!

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    Don’t eat their feet!

    Yesterday I spent nearly three hours in a dentist’s chair. It was not by choice. It’s not like I have some weird hobby where I just plop down in random professionals’ chairs. At least, not anymore. Not since that actuary from Macon called the police. I’m still not sure what they do, but, man, they get abnormally upset when strangers sit in their chairs. While I really like my dentist and his staff, I loathe going to any dentist’s office. But I had no choice. No, my wife didn’t finally punch me in the mouth. She knows I bob and […]

    Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

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    Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

    I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions. I’m a rebel like that. I’m more apt to make a spur-of-the-moment, March 12th resolution when I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and think, “Dang! I need to lose one or two or 25 pounds. I think I’ll resolve to do that.” “You said the same thing last week,” my wife will say. “That’s fake news! Last week I resolved to lose one or two or 20 pounds.” But y’all — and I mean all y’all — need to make some resolutions about how to use Facebook […]