2021: The Year in Preview

I’ve been doing my Year in Preview for a long time. Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean. Higher than any bird ever flew. Wait. Sorry. I’ve got some song stuck in my head. Damn you, Dan Fogelberg!

That was the problem with 2020. I got COVID, and brain fog is one of the after-effects. Worse than that, I didn’t see it coming in my 2020 Year in Preview, the first one I’ve ever gotten even 1 percent wrong. That means that I’ve got to get my 2021 predictions absolutely perfect this time. I’ve got to improve my average with a perfect score.

Therefore, you can rest assured that every single prediction in this year’s preview is absolutely guaranteed to be 100 percent potentially true, beginning with …

JANUARY

In an effort to counter Joe Biden’s inauguration ceremony, outgoing President Donald Trump asks Rudy Guiliani to stage a Trump 2024 Kickoff and Superspreader Rally. The event draws a half-million unmasked Trumpers to the packed parking lot of Miami’s Royal Palms Massage Parlor, located between Fred’s Title Pawn and Big Lou’s Liquors.

The Atlanta Falcons shock the playoff hopeful Tampa Bay Buccaneers by jumping out to a 77-0 lead after three quarters. Tom Brady then leads the Bucs to a 78-77 comeback victory and tells reporters after the game, “We never had a doubt. I mean, they’re the Falcons.”

Just before his term expires, President Trump attempts to declare martial law but mistakenly declares Marshall Law in which the little firefighter puppy from “Paw Patrol” is put in charge of America. The move backfires as Marshall works to restore sanity and common sense to Washington, D.C.

A new, highly contagious strain of coronavirus reaches the United States, and is spread by using Zoom, immediately infecting 200 million Americans.

FEBRUARY

The Kansas City Chiefs’ chances to win their second straight Super Bowl vanish when quarterback Patrick Mahomes becomes the latest star to be taken down by the “Me Too” movement as Travis Kelce accuses Mahomes of making a pass and commenting on his “tight end.”

Three weeks after President Biden is inaugurated, Donald Trump still refuses to leave the White House and winds up sharing a bed with Joe and Jill Biden. “This is weird,” Trump says. “I’m not using to having a wife in the bedroom.”

A year after Murder Hornets arrived on the scene in the United States, a swarm of Homicidal Horseflies is spotted in Florida.

Clarence Thomas retires as a Supreme Court Justice, but Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he will not have a vote on Biden’s nominee to replace him because “We’re just 45 months from the presidential election.”

MARCH

Facing potential action from Congress over Facebook’s monopolistic purchases of What’s App and Instagram, Mark Zuckerberg resorts to a traditional defense of his business activity by purchasing Congress.

Tampa Bay Lightning goalie Andrei Vasilevskiy refuses to be a “sheeple” and wear his mask in a game against the Boston Bruins. Vasilevskiy has 14 teeth knocked out by a slapshot. He says that losing 14 teeth was a surprise because he was pretty sure coming into the game he only had 12.

The State of Texas runs out of money after seceding from Western Union by mistake.

Rudy Guiliani announces a lawsuit against Major League Baseball, claiming that the Boston Red Sox stole the 2004 AL Championship Series from the New York Yankees. “It’s all on video,” Guiliani yells during a Senate hearing as green dye streams down his head after a St. Patrick’s Day event. “The Yankees were up three games to zero. Huge lead. Ahead in the ninth inning of Game 4, and I went to sleep. Then the next day I see video of the Red Sox’ Dave Roberts stealing. Then he kept stealing until they had enough runs and wins to fraudulently go to the World Series. Plus, David Ortiz is from the Dominican Republic, where they speak Spanish, just like they do in Venezuela, which, and this is a fact, was led by Hugo Chavez.”

APRIL

Disney Plus expands its offerings beyond kid shows, the “Star Wars” universe and superhero movies with an edgier lineup. The new lineup’s top billing goes to a reboot of “The Sopranos,” starring Mickey Mouse as Tony Soprano. In the first episode, Mickey breaks Goofy’s leg and gets mixed up with a stripper, Daisy Duck, at the Feathers Fly strip club.

Rookie U.S. Senator Tommy Tuberville votes to award the 2004 AL Championship to the New York Yankees. “I couldn’t in good conscience finish my Trump paint-by-numbers worship project until this injustice was righted,” Tuberville says.

At the NFL Draft, the Washington Football Team selects “guy who runs with ball” in the first round, following by “dude who catches ball” in the second round. Man who coaches team tells people who cover sport he is pleased with the additions to the existing group of men who perform athletic feats on Sundays.

At the 93rd Academy Awards, “Tenet” wins the Oscar for Only Picture.

MAY

On his Parler account, right-winger Mark Levin shares a YouTube video of him discussing a Facebook post about a TikTok video retweeted by Donald Trump Jr. and blows up the internet.

Queen Elizabeth II is in quite a tizzy when she learns that Meghan Markle and Harry will be starring in a reboot of “The King of Queens.”

With too many Americans still refusing to wear masks as the coronavirus lingers, President Biden announces in a press conference that he has been forced into a last-resort initiative by having Tom Cruise yell at the remaining non-maskers.

JUNE

Taylor Swift begins preparing to write new songs for her 10th studio album by announcing she is dating the entire Atlanta Braves baseball team. Ozzie Albies becomes the first breakup of the relationship as he gets slapped by Swift while trying to get to second base.

President Biden becomes the latest person to report a monolith appearance when he notices one on the National Mall behind the White House. Informed that this is the Washington Monument, he says, “Well, Denzel’s a great actor, but I don’t think he deserves a monument.”

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas and Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida call for the GOP to change its mascot from the elephant to something more fitting, like the jellyfish.

After the use of Greek letters to name hurricanes after the busy 2020 tropical season, the National Hurricane Center says that if it runs out of regular names this season it will then use Southern double-names like Anna Sue, Billy Bob and Crazy Jimmy.

AUGUST

Barron Trump begins a series of adoration rallies in advance of his 2052 presidential campaign.

Elmo takes a leave of absence from “Sesame Street” after announcing that the letter of the day is “Q” and saying, “Hi, kids! Did you know that your government is controlled by a bunch of Satan-worshipping pedophiles who drink the blood of their victims? Q knows! Elmo loves Q!”

With no more official Trump tweets to cover, CNN decides to change gears and begin covering more than two news stories a day.

Jim Bob Jenkins is fired from his job covering lifestyles for Georgia Public Television after exhibiting extremely lewd contact on the televised special “Tubin’ the Chattahoochee.” In his defense, Jenkins insists he thought the segment was “Toobin the Chattahoochee.”

SEPTEMBER

Just days after the last American gets their dose of the COVID vaccine, 340 million Americans get an email from Microsoft informing them that the microchips planted in the vaccine by Bill Gates will need to be updated to the Microchip 1.1 version before November.

The monolith outbreak hits its peak, literally, when a 3,000-foot-tall monolith appears overnight in the front yard of Ethel Gladmore of Ideal, Georgia. Ethel, however explains that, “It’s just the stack of Georgia senate runoff campaign mailings I’d been saving.”

Twenty years after the 9/11 attacks, the U.S. finally exacts its final revenge by signing a third peace treaty and sharing a group hug with the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Looking to catch up on some of his $500 million in debt, Donald Trump gets a job at a West Palm Beach McDonald’s. After complaining that there is something wrong with his first paycheck not being as much as he thought it should be, his manager informs him, “Those are called income taxes. Poor and working-class people pay them.”

OCTOBER

Though few had reported side effects from the COVID vaccine, a minor problem arises after people update their Microchip from Bill Gates as everyone’s back itches any time Gates sneezes.

Donald Trump lets out a series of angry poop tweets when he finds out Hunter Biden is working at the Burger King across the street and making $60,000 a month.

Hurricane Billy Bob sinks into a depression on the Mississippi coast when The Weather Channel’s Stephanie Abrams refers to him a Category 1 at best.

NOVEMBER

Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and Russian President Vladimir Putin come to Florida to meet with Donald Trump for a summit where they form the Justified Organization for Keeping Elections Secure, or JOKES for short.

Lifetime gets its holiday movie season started with “The Handsome Unassuming Cook Who Is Really A Rich Prince Hiding Out In A Cabin In Our Small Town And Our Christmas Wedding In The Snow.”

Lifetime Drama begins its holiday movie season with “Santa Loves You To Death.”

DECEMBER

Donald Trump tweets that in his official capacity as “America’s real president,” that Americans will once again be allowed to say “Merry Christmas,” repealing the Biden ban that never happened.

Santa Claus’ annual trip around the world is put in jeopardy after Dasher and Vixen welcome their new fawn with a red nose. Rudolph swears to Clarice he was on a hunting trip with the guys 200 days earlier and could not have had anything to do with it.

With most Americans vaccinated and most anti-vaxxers dead of COVID, more than a million gather in New York’s Times Square to celebrate a traditional New Year’s Eve of freezing their buns off and looking for a place to pee.