Month: May 2021

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

I’ve never been much for wearing jewelry. I know it’s hard to believe that a fashion icon like myself does not have his fingers, neck, ears, nose, tongue and teeth all decked out in gold and diamonds. I guess I just haven’t found the perfect jewels to match my formal flip-flops and sleeveless t-shirt. Besides, I don’t like the way we discriminate with jewelry. Who got to decide that a diamond is a more valuable rock than quartz or limestone? Who got to decide gold is more valuable than silver and platinum is more valuable than aluminum? I’m so woke […]

All this hyperventilating has to stop

All this hyperventilating has to stop

We all remember what happened last spring when the pandemic first hit: It clearly scared the poop out of everybody because the first thing most Americans apparently thought was, “I’m gonna need 400 rolls of toilet paper!” I understood the run on disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, but the run on toilet paper baffled me. Did the poop rate go up? Was it because people were staying home from work and just got tired of sitting in front of the TV, so they decided to go sit on the toilet for a while? It’s the same thing when a snowflake […]

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

For those of us who’ve spent a decade or three or four listening to the music of Jimmy Buffett, there’s this little section of our brain to which we can retreat whenever we sip a margarita, strum a six-string or lie in a hammock — or, on a really good day, all three. It’s our own little mental “Margaritaville” — where we can nibble on sponge cake in our flip-flops until someone shakes us out of our perceptual paradise with a “I thought you were gonna take out the trash!” “I can’t. I might step on a pop top! You […]

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

As someone who has added a pound or two or 20 over the past couple of decades, I’ve tried my share of diets. Each has had about the same degree of success — and by “success,” I mean total failure. I’ve tried low-carb and no carb. I’ve tried intermittent fasting, outermittent fasting and intermittent slowing. I’ve even tried swallowing that supplement that starts with a “V.” What’s it called again? Oh yeah, vegetables. Some grocery stores have whole sections devoted to them. Who knew? I thought it was just an extension of the floral department. That might explain why Tessa […]