When your year begins with an exciting live-action episode of “The Walking Dead” filmed at the U.S. Capitol with thousands of frothing-at-the-mouth, brainless zombies, you know it’s going to be an interesting year. And 2021 certainly was that.
But it’s time to put all that behind us — even though lawmakers are still investigating the January 6 insurrection, former President Trump is still pretending he won the 2020 election, and CNN complains that people give Trump too much airtime while never going three minutes without using the word “Trump.”
Unfortunately, 2022 is shaping up to be much, much more of the same old stupidness. Real Republicans who think they can take back their party from the lunatic fringe will finally wake up and realize their party is gone after only those who kiss Trump’s ring are able to win GOP primaries. And then, yes, the orange savior himself will then announce that he is running for president. This time, he’s not going to accept math for an answer.
Yes, it’s going to be a heavy year politically, according to my annual predictions anyway. But there’s also more fun stuff like Covid and death asteroids. Keep in mind, though, that these are merely predictions that are only 99.9 percent guaranteed, like your chances of surviving Covid if you’re vaccinated.
- President Joe Biden’s first official State of the Union speech lasts six hours after he goes off on a tangent about proper tire inflation, followed by a two-hour nap.
- The University of Alabama’s Crimson Rolling Tidal Pachyderms defeat the Georgia Bulldogs 36-35 when their third-string quarterback’s great aunt leads a 15-play, 99-yard scoring drive in the final minutes. Georgia goes home with the consolation of head coach Kirby Smart setting the new state high jump record each time the Bulldogs get a first down.
- SpaceX teams up with Qanon to form SpaceQ after deciding that it is safer to launch rockets from a flat Earth than from a round one.
- The Justice Department challenges Pennsylvania’s new redistricting map as politically motivated, but Republicans argue that drawing Dalton, Georgia, and Pensacola, Florida, into historically Democratic areas around Philadelphia “is just plain ol’ geographic common sense.”
- As the Winter Olympics open in China, the Chinese government responds to America’s diplomatic boycott of the games by showing their softer side and giving Uyghurs detained in camps a day off from their afternoon beatings.
- Rep. Paul Gosar releases the pamphlet “How to Kill Fellow Members of Congress: An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide,” which he says is all in good fun. “What cartoon y’all gonna cancel next?” he roars. “Bugs Bunny?”
- David Perdue withdraws from the first Georgia GOP gubernatorial primary debate after an unfortunate accident in which he loses the tip of his tongue when it gets stuck in Donald Trump’s ring during a pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago.
- Still frustrated in their attempts to find employees who will work for unlivable wages, McDonald’s and Burger King team up for a Tear Down the Wall Campaign.
- Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos team up to create a massive SpaceQ/Blue Origin vessel with seating for 614 people. Asked “Why 614?” they reply “No comment.”
- Trailing far behind Perdue in the polls, incumbent Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp makes a last-ditch plea to Trump supporters by pledging to change the Georgia state flag to pure orange.
- The University of Georgia bans the Delta Omicron fraternity from campus, just in case.
- The skies over Texas light up in the middle of the night as the SpaceQ/Blue Origin joint vessel takes off with all 614 of America’s billionaires on board. They are not heard from again for the rest of the month.
- The Flyin’ Lizards win the Middle Georgia Baptist Youth Baseball League coach-pitch championship and name little Brandon Boone their Most Valuable Player. In an interview following their title game victory over the Crawlin’ Eagles, he credits the Baptist Youth League parents’ season-long encouragements of “Let’s go, Brandon!” for his success.
- Trump-backed candidate David Perdue claims the GOP nomination to be the next governor of Georgia by winning 88 percent of the Republican electorate. Incumbent Gov. Brian Kemp claims just one segment of the electorate as he garners 66 percent of votes by people with the last name Kemp.
- Once feared missing or dead, America’s 614 billionaires send a postcard from the moon to everyone remaining in America that reads “Wish you were here … NOT! We are forming a new society here while all of you suckers will perish in climate disasters.”
- Tensions grow between the United States and China when Kyle Rittenhouse is dispatched in a self-defense mission to protect Taiwan.
- Gerry Mander wins the GOP nomination for the U.S. House in Texas’ redrawn 10th Congressional District.
- All 614 billionaires return to Earth after realizing that they can’t build anything or run their government as every single one of them dodges the moon income tax.
- The United States and China move to the brink of war after Kyle Rittenhouse shoots 3 million Chinese on skateboards who he says “were coming right at me.”
- After losing the NBA Championship Series despite having recruited superstars like Russell Westbrook to play for the L.A. Lakers, Lebron James doubles down and convinces the team to sign free agents Magic Johnson, Bill Russell, Larry Bird, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and 93-year-old “wily veteran” Bob Cousy for the 2022-2023 season.
- Megachurch pastor Joel Osteen invites magician David Copperfield to join him for a little fun at Sunday services, but the program backfires when Copperfield pretends to find a quarter behind Osteen’s ear and accidentally pulls out $400,000.
- Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon announce that their former podcast “The Handoff” is returning with the name “When We Were Journalists.” Meanwhile, Fox News announces that its noon program “Outnumbered” is being renamed “Check Out These Legs.”
- Actor Jussie Smollett sues Bigfoot and Frosty the Snowman for assault.
- Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene is arrested after shooting Rep. Ilhan Omar with a Jewish space laser. Her bail is set at at $10 million.
- In their first debate of the Georgia governor’s race, Stacey Abrams accuses David Perdue of being a Trump sycophant with no backbone, while Perdue accuses Abrams of promoting critical race theory, which he finds highly offensive as the whitest man to run for governor in Georgia’s history.
- Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ new army is defeated in the Battle of Silver Springs by a militant wing of the Cub Scouts.
- Marjorie Taylor-Greene is bailed out by Ricky Schroeder.
- Trick-or-treaters are disappointed when they ring the doorbell at Sen. Joe Manchin’s home and receive just one M&M each. “Eat it and be happy, you greedy little creep!” Manchin tells the children.
- Jason Aldean wins CMA Record of the Year with his song “Mud on my Small-Town Truck with Jesus’ Patriotic Rifle in My Gun Rack” over Luke Bryan’s “Drunk Patriot’s Truck Stuck in Mud at Small-Town Church.” Luke Combs wins Album of the Year for “Truck Mud Gun Jesus Small-Town Fried American Beer Liberals Suck.”
- Marjorie Taylor-Greene’s bail is revoked when it is discovered that she is Ricky Schroeder.
- David Perdue declares victory in the Georgia gubernatorial race after getting a mere 1.5 million votes less than Democrat Stacey Abrams. Abrams protests, but Perdue argues that most of her votes only count one-sixth of a vote.
- Meanwhile, President Biden tries to put a positive spin on the election after noting that even though they lost all 435 seats in the U.S. House of Representatives, Democratic Reps. Stacey Plaskett of the U.S. Virgin Islands and Michael San Nicholas of Guam won their non-voting seats in landslides.
- Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky sponsors a bill requiring every parent of a troubled teenager to buy them a gun for Christmas.
- Georgians celebrate the first day of winter, followed two days later by a beginning of summer celebration.
- Santa Claus’ annual Christmas journey around the world ends on the Atlantic Coast when his sleigh is shot down by Rep. Lauren Boebert, who says Santa’s beard clearly shows he is a jihadist, and Kyle Rittenhouse, who says the reindeer were coming right at him. Marjorie Taylor-Green defends the pair by tweeting “Everyone with any sense knows that Santa’s sleigh has Jewish chemtrails that give conservatives cancer.”
- After nearly three years of trying to wipe humankind off the map with Covid variants, Mother Earth finally gives up and just orders another asteroid. Because she has Milky Way Prime, the asteroid will be there in two days.