Month: November 2022

You may be entitled to condensation

You may be entitled to condensation

Hello. I’m Attorney Chris Johnson, Esquire-ish, of the law firm of Johnson and Maybe Larry If He Passes The Bar. I’ve been one of the leading malpractice, personal injury and ambulance chasing attorneys in Possum Holler for more than 27 days now. You can trust me as evidenced by this three-piece suit, shiny table and wall full of books I’ve never touched but I’m pretty sure has legal stuff like, you know, state codes from 1968 and junk like that in them. I have a few questions for you, and if you answer them correctly, we might score enough cash […]

Want milk from extremely contented cows?

Want milk from extremely contented cows?

In “Rainy Day Women No. 12 and 35,” Bob Dylan famously sang that “everybody must get stoned.” After careful analysis of the song, I’ve determined that the point Mr. Dylan — one of the greatest songwriters in history and by far the best songwriter who also sounds like Buckwheat when he was “Wookin’ Pa Nub” in all the wrong places — was trying to make is that everybody, everybody, must get stoned. But not cows. He couldn’t have possibly meant cows. However, in a shocking new development sure to anger old while men who still think the drug war actually […]

My exclusive interview with Vladimir Putin

My exclusive interview with Vladimir Putin

One of the great things I love about being a world-famous journalist is the way prominent people jump at the chance to be interviewed by me … Me: Hi everyone. As you can see, I’ve got my serious journalist face on and my formal flip-flops. Welcome to my new special “Nine people ruining the world for the other 8 billion.” Today, I’m speaking with Russian dictator — not president — Vladimir Putin. Hello. V: Hello. Me: Thanks again for wearing a shirt. Now, first of all, you said that you had to invade Ukraine to get rid of the Nazis. […]

Everyone loves a good bath, right? Well …

Everyone loves a good bath, right? Well …

Over the years, I’ve seen my name in the newspaper or in online posts several thousand times. I’ve made a handful of radio appearances and even done a few sports radio broadcasts. I’ve been on some really keen local access TV shows and even been interviewed by some legitimate local TV news folks. At one point the newspaper had a partnership with a local TV station’s news broadcast that included having some of our journalists provide insightful commentaries — as well as whatever weird commentaries I could contribute for the Friday broadcast. After about 60 seconds of me trying to […]

Mountains offer a few things to beach about

Mountains offer a few things to beach about

When it comes to getting away from it all, most folks prefer going up to the mountains or down to the beach. In other words, there are mountain people and there are normal people. We recently got back from a few days in the mountains somewhere just across the Georgia line into North Carolina so that my mom could see different colors of leaves. A friend offered to let us borrow his cabin — or I would deem it, a luxury mountain mansion. The price of free was too enticing to pass up. Granted, we could have waited a week, […]