It’s that time of year again when folks begin coming up to me on the street, in the grocery store, wherever I may be to ask, “Oh, great sage and foreseer of the future, when might you bless us with your annual peek into the year ahead?”
To which, I’ll give my standard reply to anyone who attempts to talk to me: “Sorry, I don’t visit.”
Alas, that time has come. I’ll now give you some of the key moments in 2023 while, of course, not spoiling all of the surprises. After all, wouldn’t you rather be surprised when the nuclear missiles begin falling? Now, in an effort to get you people to leave me alone, here are some 2023 highlights:
After the University of Georgia wins its second straight national football championship, Stetson Bennett pulls a Tom Brady and announces his intention to start at quarterback for the Dawgs until he’s at least 55 years old.
Fearing the Chinese could use the game to garner private information about Americans, a confused President Joe Biden bans government employees from playing tic-tac-toe.
Crypto nerd Sam Bankman-Fried begins his defense of “I was too stupid to commit fraud” by admitting that he can’t even spell FTX.
Capitalizing on the rising tensions between Reps. Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene, Rep. Matt Gaetz organizes a mud wrestling match between the two. If Greene wins, he agrees to vote for Kevin McCarthy as House speaker. If Boebert wins, he gets to pick up her favorite niece from junior high school every day.
Space X’s Falcon rocket is accidentally shot down by a Patriot missile 28.3 seconds into its flight.
A new scandal emerges when Netflix reveals that the entire royal takedown documentary “Harry and Meghan” was funded by Dairy Queen and Burger King.
Right-wing snowflakes are relieved when Kim Jong Un’s latest missile launch into the ocean kills the new Little Mermaid, allowing them to get back to having only white mermaids as God intended.
Eight-year-old Billy Boone of Paducah, Ky., becomes America’s youngest multi-millionaire when Chuck E. Cheese accidentally gives him a handful of Bitcoins instead of game tokens. Billy realizes the mistake when his skee ball mysteriously loses momentum before hitting the ramp.
Stickers of Joe Biden pointing with the words “I did that” begin disappearing from gas pumps as the average price of gas drops to $2.15 nationwide.
A hungover Johnny Depp stumbles out of a wedding chapel and tells the media that he is happy to announce his third marriage. “What’s your name again, darling? Amber Heard? Well, nice to meet you.”
Two months after the NFL season ends, Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa is intercepted four times by the Green Bay Packers during a nightmare, dropping his Sleep Number to 30.4.
On a phone call from his mommy and daddy’s Jacuzzi while under house arrest, Samuel Bankman-Fried advises Billy Boone to cash in his Bitcoin for some less imaginary dollars as soon as possible.
Qanon is finally proven correct as JFK shows up at a rally in Dallas, reclaiming his position as president before immediately resigning, citing his age of 105.
The United Nations takes a strong stand against Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine by passing a resolution stating, “Whereas this action continues, we are really, really wishing you’d stop, you know, if that’s OK with you and stuff. Or not. Oh whatever.” Permanent Security Council member Russia vetoes the resolution.
Upon realizing that former President Donald Trump is making a fortune with his new digital trading card series, President Joe Biden releases a trading card from when he was teammates with Honus Wagner.
The Washington Capitals’ Stanley Cup hopes are dashed when Alex Ovechkin is sent to Russia as the “Player to be Named Later” in the Brittney Griner trade.
Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy deploys a secret weapon of mass destruction in the efforts to repel Russia when he tells Will Smith that Vladimir Putin commented on his wife’s hair.
Crypto crook Sam Bankman-Fried asks to be un-extradited back to The Bahamas Jail and Beach Resort after mommy takes away his Xbox privileges.
The House committee investigating Hunter Biden’s laptop takes a recess after learning that all the damning files about his dealings with China have been overwritten with digital Trump trading cards and what they believe — and hope — are deep fake nude videos of Marjorie Taylor Greene working out to “YMCA” at her gym. Chairman Jim Jordan announces, “We will be in recess for at least 10 minutes. Your laptop will be sitting right here, by the way, totally unguarded and unmonitored if you wanna, you know.”
Golfer Phil Mickelson leaves the LIV Tour after being offered $2 billion to join the U.S. Putt-Putt League. He says money has nothing to do with the decision and that it is merely an expression of his love for putting through windmills and dinosaurs.
Chris Johnson releases a new nonfiction book aimed at improving Americans’ driving called, “What Does ‘Yield’ Mean on Your Planet?,” which is, coincidentally, something he yells about twice a day.
Mothers grow frustrated and make alternative plans as another baby formula shortage grips the nation.
American men riot and rampage as a beer shortage grips the nation.
Newlyweds Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announce they are bringing back the TV series that made Depp a star decades ago in which they play cops pretending to be teenagers at a high school. They’re calling the reboot “21 Dump Street.”
Noting that they need to reach temperatures of 150 million degrees Celsius in order for particles to fuse, scientists move their nuclear fusion research facility to Tifton, Ga., where 150 million degrees Celsius is the average temperature in July.
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis spontaneously combusts when Mickey Mouse announces that he is leaving Minnie Mouse, “transitioning” and then marrying Daisy Duck because he has always felt like a lesbian — and a duck — on the inside.
The World Association of Astrophysicists and Whatnot releases the results of new research indicating that the sun is 93,000,004 miles from the Earth and apologize for having been 4 miles off for decades.
Admitting they made a mistake in awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, FIFA announces that they will entertain future hosting offers only from countries with sterling human rights records. The current 2030 finalists are Russia, China, North Korea, Afghanistan and Iran.
Donald Trump sues the New York Times. “I totally had the Wordle figured out, and then they just cut it off after six tries. No seventh try. Obama gets to try seven times. And I hear Hillary Clinton gets 10 tries. And it’s rigged because I had a perfectly acceptable four-letter word. This is why the once great New York Times is failing.”
Asked at a press conference if he is finally through ridding Ukraine of all the “Nazis” as he announced was his intention at the beginning of the invasion, Putin replies, “I’ll let you know as soon as I get through bombing this preschool full of suspected 3-year-old Nazis.”
Eight-year-old Billy Boone uses his millions to fund the construction of the world’s first cold fusion reactor and then sells the patent to General Electric for $1 billion.
U.S. pharmaceutical company Fleecum-Wells’ new cancer cure is approved by the FDA and priced at an affordable $1,000,000 per pill, giving them a profit of roughly $999,999 per pill.
General Electric announces that its new Mr. Fusion Personal Cold Fusion Reactor, producing limitless energy, will be sold to the American public for just $99 each. Lockheed-Martin produces an identical Mr. Fusion that the Pentagon purchases for $99 billion each.
Meta (Facebook) stock plunges 14 percent when the company fails to meet profit expectations for the third quarter with a mere $12 kajillion in net earnings. Analysts had been expecting $13 kajillion, an uncontrollably sobbing Jim Kramer reports on CNBC’s “Mad Money.”
Renowned scientist Chris Johnson releases the new flip-a-coin Covid test that he claims is 100 percent effective at identifying the Covid virus in 50 percent of cases.
NASA launches an emergency rescue mission when the Brooklyn Nets’ Kyrie Irving falls off the side of the Earth. Radio signals help pinpoint Irving by capturing the screams of “I told y’all!”
The Hallmark Channel sets a new viewing record with its new holiday movie, “The Prince I Met at a Halloween Party Invited Me to His Castle for Thanksgiving and Now We’re in Love at Christmas, Giving Me a Date for New Year’s Eve.”
Vladimir Putin calls off the invasion of Ukraine that he initially justified as a quest to rid the nation of “Nazis” when he realizes there never were any Nazis in Ukraine because they were all having dinner in Florida with Donald Trump.
China steps up its zero-Covid policies by executing 1 billion people just in case.
In a desperate effort to quell the “Titanic” debate over whether Rose should have dragged Jack up onto the ice with her, director James Cameron points out: “Um, it was a movie! Did you not think the 1-inch waves in the Northern Atlantic in the movie were a little bit of a clue that this wasn’t a documentary?”
Miss Oregon is crowned the next Miss America, reminding everyone that there is still a Miss America Pageant. Really.
Donald Trump is awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine when it is proven that the only cure for Covid is drinking bleach while shining a flashlight up your backside.
Arizona’s Kari Lake wins the Nobel Prize for Mathematics for her revolutionary discovery that 1,270,774 is greater than 1,287,890.
Free speech “champion” Elon Musk suspends Buddy the Elf from Twitter after Buddy tweets that Musk is “a cotton-headed ninny muggins.” (Pardon my language.)
Christmas is canceled after Santa Claus shaves his beard in an effort to look 200 years younger and is executed by Iran’s Morality Police.