Month: May 2023

Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

Florida’s Mickey Mouse governor, Ron DeSantis, is making official what we’ve all known for months — he’s running for the GOP nomination for president. And I’ve got the copy of his official announcement speech: My fellow straight Floridians, my name is Ron DeSanctimonious and — um, dadgum, I can’t believe that stupid nickname is so catchy — I mean I’m Ron DeSantis, and I am officially announcing my candidacy for second place in the GOP nominating process. And with enough help from Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders, I could possibly ascend to the actual GOP nomination and become your next […]

I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

I know it’s easy to get discouraged when you turn on the news these days — and not just because it’s a commercial break and they’re listing all the side effects for that new clear skin drug Flamoxidedrinaltine. But, yea, I insist be optimistic and hopeful still. No one will notice your explosive diarrhea because they are going to be so distracted by your clear skin. Granted, they may not let you carpool with them again, but still … Yes, politicians are playing chicken over the debt ceiling and are willing to sacrifice your financial security if that’s what it […]

The surest sign yet that America is messed up

The surest sign yet that America is messed up

People who think America has crossed the Rubicon into permanent dysfunction and division point to such things as a broken two-party system, money in politics, out-of-control debt, gender identity and cartoon mice as prime examples to support their opinion. Granted, the folks who are most worried about gender identity and which bathroom trans people use also are the people who just read my first sentence and are telling somebody, “Yeah, I got me one of dem Rubicon cubes back in the ’80s. Only way I could solve it was with a screwdriver!” “I heered that!” Unfortunately, I, too, now believe […]