2024 — The Year in Preview

I’ve been doing my annual Year in Preview as long as I can remember. Then again, I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so that’s not saying too much. (It likely was a possum sammich, but it could have been a bowl of squirrel and dumplings.)

Folks tell me I’ve been providing this critical public prognostication service since the last millennium — I assume toward the end of the last millennium, but they weren’t overly specific. And I won’t be stopping anytime soon because when you have the gift for seeing into the future as I have, it would be selfish for me to keep all that precious insight to myself — including every single winning PowerBall number. It’s unethical for me to say too much about that, but let’s just say about half of them are odd … or what I would consider to be odd numbers. Like 66.

And lest you doubt my Nostradamusian abilities, I had the same folks who cook … er, I mean keep the books for The Trump Organization verify my record though the years, and my predictions have been found to be 113 percent accurate — or about $47 billion worth of right. That’s probably on the low side, but I don’t even look at the records. I just sign off on them.

So, here’s all the important stuff that will happen in the coming year starting with …

JANUARY

Tired of trying to explain to Desmond Ridder what a forward pass is, the Atlanta Falcons try to salvage their season by signing veteran quarterback Steve Bartkowski to a $500,000 contract with a signing bonus of a 24-pack of applesauce. Asked if there is any guarantee Bartkowski will make it to the fourth quarter of any game, Coach Arthur Smith replies, “Depends.”

Dolly Parton tumbles out of bed and stumbles in the kitchen, where she hears the news that she has been inducted into the Hip-Hop Hall of Fame.

Harvard President Claudine Gay is asked whether she thinks Adolf Hitler was evil and responds, “I don’t think it’s fair for me to make a judgment when I haven’t even met the dude.”

FEBRUARY

The Kansas City Chiefs defeat the San Francisco 49ers 35-28 in Super Bowl LVIII as Travis Kelce catches four touchdown passes. Taylor Swift is named the game’s MVP.

The Super Bowl halftime show gets off to a bumpy start when the fans discover that the featured act is not Usher but instead Sammy Joe Hankerson, the usher for section 223 at Allegiant Stadium. However, he wins them over with a stirring rendition of “Yeah, That’s Your Seat!”

Dolly Parton announces her new hip-hop album, “Dolly Raps and Hippity-Hops Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy — Straight Outta Pigeon Forge.”

MARCH

In a last-ditch plea for attention, GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy claims that the extinction of the dinosaurs was an inside job. “If it was an asteroid, then why did the alligators and sharks survive? Huh? It’s clear they had something to do with this. And look how young and rich I am!”

Now that he has finally been put on the map, the Chiefs’ Travis Kelce breaks up with Taylor Swift.

The Atlanta Falcons fire head coach Arthur Smith and replace him with four-time Super Bowl winner, three-time NFL MVP, former Miss Jackson Heights and Academy Award nominee George Santos.

During a Read Across America event, Rep. Lauren Boebert is arrested for groping the Cat in the Hat but is released on her own recognizance after claiming she was just checking on the Green Eggs and Ham.

APRIL

Taylor Swift denies that her new hit song “I Hope The Chiefs’ No. 87 Gets Run Over By The Team Bus On Their Way To Play The Raiders” is about former boyfriend Travis Kelce.

A record 437 men sign up to don the Cat in the Hat costume for next year’s Read Across America event at Southwest D.C. Elementary School.

Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley and Vivek Ramaswamy show up for a GOP debate in Arizona. Though they are told the debate is pointless with Donald “Day 1 Dictator” Trump’s nomination locked up long ago, they rightfully point out that it never stopped them from having previous pointless debates.

MAY

Donald Fidel Trump names Marjorie Taylor-Greene as his running mate. Seriously.

A group of 17 humpback whales file lawsuit against Kim Jong Un after North Korea fires its 173rd missile into the Sea of Japan. “What you got against whales anyway?” asks humpback attorney Alan Dershowitz.

“Country” music singer Jason Aldean tops the charts with his catchy three-cord anthem “Sure I Pander To Some People’s Worst Instincts By Peddling Stereotypes Of Just One Side, But At Least I’ve Got A Gun In My Small-Town Truck And Coors In My Dixie Cup.”

The annual Almost Time To Maybe Do Something About Sea Level Rise Conference scheduled for The Marshall Islands is postponed until attendees can find out where The Marshall Islands went.

JUNE

College football conference realignments get even crazier as every college football team joins the SEC except for Colorado School of Mines.

President Joe Biden freezes at a campaign stop for two minutes while ventriloquist Jeff Dunham takes a break to pee.

Pope Francis visits the United States to officiate the wedding of former “Jeopardy” champion Amy Schneider and a pregnant Dylan Mulvaney, at which Hillary Clinton makes attendees check their weapons at the door while Michelle Obama serves a wedding cake she forced an evangelical bakery to make with 2-percent milk before Colin Kaepernick drives the couple in an electric limousine to a reception headlined by The Chicks and sponsored by Bud Light. Conservatives are shocked, but not as shocked as they are when Sean Hannity’s head explodes on live TV.

JULY

After the Supreme Court strikes down gay marriage, totally not bought and paid-for Justice Clarence Thomas writes the majority opinion while vacationing on his buddy Harlan Crow’s yacht, the “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

Fox News host Sean Hannity notes that his show clobbered CNN’s Kaitlan Collins in the ratings when his head blew up.

Following up on the “Barbenheimer” success at the box office from the previous summer, Margot Robbie stars in “Barbie’s Pink Atomic Bomb,” with a hit soundtrack featuring the Taylor Swift single “Barbie Should Drop That Pink Thing On The Chiefs’ No. 87 So His Tight End Goes Kaboom,” which she insists is so not about Travis Kelce.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, now officially out of the presidential race, goes back to focusing on serious issues facing the Sunshine State and announces the impending deportation of everyone named Mickey.

AUGUST

President Joe Walter Biden seemingly orders a raid into China to retrieve giant pandas Mei Xiang, Tian Tian and Xiao Oi Ji in what is perceived to be an effort to bolster his poor poll numbers. A few minutes later, however, staffers realize the president was merely choking when a piece of steak flies out of his mouth. “I’m choking, you idiots!” Biden yells. “We know!” they yell back.

Sean Stellato, agent for the New York Giants’ Tommy DeVito, insists he knows nothing about why Giants quarterback Daniel Jones suddenly decided to retire, nor why he woke up in bed with a horse head. “Danny boy probably just got a deal he couldn’t refuse,” Stellato says.

A planeload of 659 Mickeys arrives in Los Angeles from Florida and is welcomed by California Gov. Gavin Newsom, looking presidential as he keeps checking his phone for updates on President Joe Walter Biden’s health. “Damn it! Oh, sorry, I mean welcome!”

Rep. Matt Gaetz defends Israel’s military actions in Gaza as totally justified because Hamas killed 1,200 people and raped women and children while abducting 240 hostages on Oct. 7. “We cannot stand idly by in the face of such atrocities,” he insists.

SEPTEMBER

Rep. Matt Gaetz encourages the U.S. to make a deal with terrorist Vladimir Putin and Russia, which illegally invaded Ukraine and has killed more than 10,000 civilians while raping women and children and abducting more than 20,000 Ukrainian children. “Atrocities, shmatrocities,” Gaetz insists.

Chris Johnson marks one year since Jimmy Buffett’s death with a moment of silence. “Are you sure one moment is enough?” his wife asks.

Taylor Swift begins dating American curling superstar Korey Dropkin.

After pleading his case before the Possum Holler Middle School student council, Jimmy Bob Bonner is ordered to pay Johnny Joe Jenkins $148 million for defaming him as a poo-poo head. At a press conference afterward held in front of the Chateau de Exterminating and Transmission Service, Jimmy Bob stands by his statement. “He’s still a poo-poo head, and someday I’m gonna prove it — you know, with, like, evidence and stuff.”

OCTOBER

The American Curling Championship Extravaganza has to bring in extra bleachers to accommodate the 3.5 million tickets sold for this year’s tourney, something the Curling Association denies has anything to do with Taylor Swift possibly attending.

With the latest polls showing him at 1% and Donald Vladimir Trump at 99%, President Joe Walter Biden assures the American people, “I’m going to turn this around soon. I don’t think y’all are noticing how great the GDP was in the third quarter — up .2 percent! Don’t y’all get how great that is?!” A few die-hard supporters rattle their cans of life savings in support as they exclaim, “You can barely see Jeff Dunham’s mouth move!”

Bobby Earl Thornwhistle of Possum Holler Plumbing Supply is named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Are you on crack?” the publisher is asked. “Apparently.”

NOVEMBER

2021 attempted coup leader Donald Jong Trump seizes the presidency with 99.5% of the vote.

A confused Danny DeVito is thrown out of Jersey Mike’s after being accused of throwing three interceptions against the Eagles.

Melania Trump is arrested at the U.S.-Mexico border while trying to illegally enter Mexico. Asked if she is seeking asylum, she replies, “That’d be best.”

Speaking from his office in cell block D of The Fulton County Jail, Donald Ortega Trump thanks the American people “for finishing what we started on January 6, 2021. Now it is time for retribution for all who have aggrieved me! Sick ‘em, Marjorie!”

DECEMBER

Undefeated Colorado School of Mines (0-0) captures the No. 1 seed for college football’s first-ever 12-team playoff, narrowly edging out Georgia, which finishes 124-7 in SEC play.

Brown Shirts are all the rage for Christmas gifts.

After Pope Francis calls for posting the New Testament’s Beatitudes instead of the Old Testament’s Ten Commandments at American courthouses during the Christmas season, right-wingers balk and call for Francis to be excommunicated for being too Jesus-y.

Gladys Ethel Stafford of Possum Holler, Georgia, files a $14 million civil suit against Santa Claus, claiming that he put his hands in her stocking without her consent in 1973.

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