I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been doing my annual Year in Preview, but it’s been at least a quarter century. I’m talking way back when there was no Facebook, Donald Trump was still good buddies with Jeffrey Epstein, and Mike Lindell was more into drugs than making pillows and being America’s No. 1 source of news from The Pentagon.

It’s become an annual tradition, like Christmas, the War on Christmas, and GOP lawmakers lining up under the White House mistletoe to kiss President Trump’s behind.

Therefore, I must reveal my 100 percent guaranteed-to-be-true prognostications for the year ahead before I start getting emails with subject lines like “Hey, Chris, what’s happening in 2026?” or “Hey moron” or “Try our new fiery cheezy bread” — all of which clearly refer to this annual tradition of learning about the whole next year in advance.

Here are the absolute biggest events that will happen in 2026, starting in …

JANUARY

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani is sworn into office and reiterates his pledges to provide free busing, arm police with water guns, and make the McRib available year-round.

After a gold shortage grips the U.S. while The White House continues decorating for its “Salute to Avarice” celebration, The Golden Globes’ big night is somewhat diminished as winners instead receive Silver Marbles.

President Trump announces that there will be no Cinco de Mayo celebrations this year and that Americans instead should celebrate “El Sixo de January-o.”

FEBRUARY

There’s a huge upset at the Cricket World Cup in India as a grasshopper unexpectedly takes the title, and a ladybug is runner-up.

Triggered by Bad Bunny’s being named the Super Bowl halftime featured entertainer, conservatives stage a rival halftime show with Bugs Bunny singing “God Bless The USA, Doc” on repeat.

The Super Bowl experiences a 45-minute delay in the third quarter of the Philadelphia Eagles’ 24-23 win over the New England Patriots while Kristi Noem — who had warned that ICE would be monitoring the Super Bowl — executes Bad Bunny, 15 Nicaraguan hotel maids, seven Guatemalan stone masons, and four unruly English setters on the 50-yard line.

MARCH

After three straight weeks of record high temperatures in Possum Holler, Georgia, the overnight low falls to 27 degrees. The community loses access to the Internet overnight — not because of the cold temperatures but because social media is overwhelmed with “What global warming? ha ha” posts from right-wingers at Meth Meadows Trailer Park.

President Trump marks World Poetry Day with a contest offering $2,000 for the best poem about a guy from Nantucket.

The Georgia General Assembly votes to eliminate the state’s income tax and will make up for the revenue shortfall with a shotgun raffle and old-fashioned cakewalk.

Convicted sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell tells a Justice Department official that “President Trump looks like he’s losing weight, and how about that beautiful golf swing of his! And did I mention that all the photos of him with Jeffrey are AI?” She is then re-sentenced to 12 months confinement at The Four Seasons’ overwater bungalows in Bora Bora.

APRIL

Even the hosts of “Fox and Friends” express concern when actors Millie Bobby Brown, Jack Black, CNN’s Pamela Brown, country artist Clint Black and animated baldness advocate Charlie Brown are swept up in an ICE Operation in New York City and deported to South Sudan.

President Trump nominates “that hot blonde chick from the McDonald’s in Sunshine Park” to the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals.

Millions of Americans flock to Des Moines, Iowa, for the First Annual Bricklaying/Hotel Maid/Lawncare/Roofing Minimum Wage Job Fair.

President Trump pardons Sean P Diddy Puffy Puff Daddy Combs and announces that the United States will open up Yellowstone National Park to baby oil drilling.

MAY

In an all-caps Truth Social post, President Trump calls for the executions of the “treasonists” at “Fox and FAKE Friends!”

People Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People issue is released with Chris Johnson just missing the cut at 101.

The Supreme Court rules that teachers cannot be forced to post the Ten Commandments in their classrooms. In response, real Christians who still agree with Jesus push for schools to be able to post the Beatitudes instead, but Trump refuses to go along because he says, “The Beatitudes are overrated, especially anything they made after the ‘Rubber Soul’ album.”

JUNE

The FCC approves a merger of Netflix, ABC, Paramount, Prime Video, YouTube, Disney, Fox, Hulu, Peacock and HBO Max. The new company will be called “Television.”

Americans get their hush-money tariff “refunds” of $2,000 with the stipulation that the money can be used only to purchase Trump Watches, Trump Sneakers, Trump Cards, Trump Bibles, MAGA Hats or a politician.

In a surprise attack, Greenland seizes Maine and New Hampshire, prompting local residents to courageously band together and purchase lavish thank-you gifts.

The Democratic Party says they’ve learned their lessons from the 2024 presidential election and begin planning to run Joe Biden again — this time stressing to an apathetic base that they “really, really need to get on board next time.”

JULY

Three UFC fighters are beaten to death on the White House lawn as part of our nation’s 250th birthday celebration.

Republicans overwhelmingly pass President Trump’s new health care initiative, the “I Like Folks Who Don’t Get Cancer” plan.

The University of Georgia cuts Basket Weaving 101 to save money.

AUGUST

The Rolling Stones announce they will be doing a 30-day residency at The Sphere in Las Vegas in September … of 2047.

The University of Georgia spends $7.4 million on a backup punter from Syracuse.

The Boy Scouts of America announce new Trump-backed merit badges in Deportation, Pollution, Election Denial and Reverse Conservation.

Heads explode at Fox News when Barron Trump transitions, joins the NYU women’s volleyball team, and tells everyone to call him Barbra.

SEPTEMBER

Jim Bob Jenkins takes a couple of Tylenol pills while crappie fishing from his jon boat at Whitewater Creek Park before it is blown to bits by a Hellfire missile.

In a Truth Social post, President Trump sprains a thumb while typing: “The Cleveland BROWNS must change their name to something more, you know, WHITE. Maybe the Cleveland Trumpers with red helmets with MAGA on each side. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

Right-wingers longing for an All-American Super Bowl show next year demand performances by Keith Urban, Coldplay, ABBA, BTS or Dua Lipa. “No more of them singers from other countries like Puerto Rico!”

OCTOBER

Told during happy hour at The Rusty Bucket that Jim Bob Jenkins was spotted swimming to shore after the Hellfire missile attack at Whitewater Creek Park, Secretary of War orders a second strike on Jim Bob and orders a second appetizer, fried pickle spears.

Triggered right-wing snowflakes pledge to eat breakfasts only at IHOP and Waffle House after Cracker Barrel’s Uncle Herschel admits to voting for Kamala Harris in 2024 and fathering an out-of-wedlock child with Aunt Jemima in 1962.

President Trump nominates Sean P Diddy Puffy Puff Daddy Combs to be U.S. Ambassador to Epstein Island.

GOP Sen. John Kennedy resigns from Congress to go on a comedy tour with Larry the Cable Guy, telling the new hosts of “Fox and Friends” that “I’m feelin’ finer than a frog’s hair and bless your heart while you butter my biscuit and dill my pickle if it don’t just make me happier than a hog in slop to know I’m fixin’ to hightail it out of that pig sty called Congress and no longer deal with all them fellers who done got too big for their britches.”

NOVEMBER

President Trump halts construction of his gaudy, golden ballroom at Mar-a-Lago II (formerly known as The White House) when he gets the bill for his fifth MRI of the year, an MRI that is “perfect,” he says.

RFK Jr. makes a surprise appearance at Whitewater Creek Park after hearing about an abundance of dead crappie, beavers, water moccasins and gators floating on top of the water.

In the midterm elections, Democrats pick up 54 seats in the House of Representatives — all from the 51st state of Canada.

President Trump expands the Supreme Court to 12 seats, nominating Judge Judy, Aaron Judge and Judge Reinhold as new justices.

DECEMBER

Donald Trump admits he can’t actually run for a third presidential term and throws his support behind a relatively unknown candidate named “Ronald Crump.”

NYU wins the NCAA Women’s Volleyball Championship as Barbra Trump leads the way with 42 kills and is named tournament MVP.

The Trump Administration announces that it has reached a cease-fire in the “War on Christmas” that satisfies Vladimir Putin, who walks away with eight maids a-milking and six geese-a-laying, while President Trump takes the five gold rings. The twelve drummers drumming are split with six each.