(Photo: Looking for a shot that makes you feel like this? I, and a friend of yours from Florida have great news!)
If you broke down my friends list on Facebook, half of the folks are left of center, half are right of center, and the other third I’m not sure about.
Now, all the folks on the left aren’t the same, nor are all the folks on the right. But a few things are consistent about each group. For instance, I’m fairly certain that every single unvaccinated friend I have is on the right, and vice-versa. And I’m pretty sure that every single one of my unvaccinated friends and family members voted for Trump.
Last week, I wrote a column about the benefits of being vaccinated against COVID, such as the fact that you have only a 0.001 chance of dying from it now. But I made the column off-limits to the unvaccinated, so they couldn’t see all the fun we were having.
I’ve got to be fair, though, so this column only for the unvaccinated. That’s right, you vaccinated science-believing sheeple, run along now.
OK, unvaccinateds, have I got a treat for you! I have a new reason to take the vaccine — not just because it could save your life, not just because it can reduce the chances of kids who can’t get vaccinated getting COVID, and not just because you will no longer be accelerating new variants and preventing us from getting out of this mess. The new reason is that it makes you feel like you’re on the beach on a pre-climate change warm-but-not-hot day with a caressing breeze that soothes your weary soul. It’s Moderna’s new margarita-inspired vaccine.
Still, I know you won’t take my word for it — or the word of scientists, doctors or folks who understand numbers. Therefore, I’ve got a special treat for you. You know him. You love him. You voted for him. Yes, here, via telephone, is the one and only real president of the United States, that flag-humping, vaccinated hero himself, Donald J. Trump.
DJT: Hello, real president here.
Me: Hi, President Trump. I appreciate your chatting with us today about the vaccine.
DJT: Well, I’m pretty much banned from everything except Fox News and my adoration rallies. Are you going to put this transcript on Facebook and Twitter? Because, well, you know …
Me: Yes sir, and I have literally dozens of followers. No worries. We’ll get the word out there. First, if you don’t mind, I’m going to record this call to make sure it’s accurate. Let me hit this button.
DJT: Oh yeah. Let me hit my button, too.
Me: You’re recording on your end?
DJT: No, it’s my Diet Coke button. This one’s almost empty. Thanks, Ronny. That’s a good boy.
Me: Who’s Ronny?
DJT: DeSantis. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good governor?
Me: Anyway, sir. I thought since my unvaccinated friends all seem to worship you and distrust the current government and modern science, I thought it might help sway them to get the shot if they heard from you. After all, not only have you been vaccinated, but these vaccines came about during your administration. You ought to be out there claiming credit. Loudly! If you touted them, I think they would listen.
DJT: OK, got it! Ready? Hello, my fellow Americans, it’s your real legitimate president, Donald J. Trump, here. During my administration, I created the world’s best COVID vaccines all by myself. This vaccine really does make you feel like you’re on the beach, right outside Mar-a-Lago. It puts the “woo!” in the Wuhan Virus. Only I could have accomplished such a feat. It would have taken years under any other administration. However, if you worry these vaccines were rushed, let me reassure you: I spent hours developing them all by myself during “Fox and Friends” commercial breaks. The only other things I do that take hours happen on my beautiful golf courses or require a nondisclosure agreement. You didn’t hear me bragging about it, but I’ve taken the vaccine myself, and so has, um …
RD: Melania, sir.
DJT: Oh yeah, Melania. They are safe and effective. And I’m not going to return to my rightful spot at the White House that I won in a rigged election until all of you take my vaccine, the greatest achievement the world has ever known. If you agree to get the shot, I will deliver the injection into your arm myself while Gov. DeSantis rubs your shoulders as you lean your head back comfortably on this My Pillow from my good friend, Mike Lindell, as Sarah Palin serenades you with her favorite Ted Nugent tunes. As an added bonus, you will also receive this free Make America Great Again Again hat. But, wait! The first 1,000 callers will get two Make America Great Again Again hats. So, get the vaccine I made. Today. Do like your favorite president and grab this pandemic by the, um, needle. Besides, if you don’t, I’m gonna have Marjorie Taylor-Greene shoot you with this Jewish space laser gun. It’s her right, after all, under our beautiful Second Amendment.