As long as we’re renaming stuff …

I know a lot of folks are up in arms about the very important order changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, but those folks are missing out on some opportunities. 

Sure, this renaming will cause a few complications. The biggest of which is that John Cougar Mellencamp’s best song, “Pink Houses,” currently has this lyric:

Well, there’s people and more people/What do they know, know, know?/Go to work in some high-rise/And vacation down at the Gulf of Mexico, ooh, yeah

This name change totally screws that up, and I’m sure John will be more than willing to change it. America doesn’t rhyme with know, know, know nor with even just one know. I guess he could change it to what do they know, know, bruh to rhyme with America. After all, the rocker has changed his own name like 20 times since I was in junior high.

And don’t even get me started on Mexico Beach, Florida. Are they gonna name it America Beach? Guess that would be better than something like Barron Beach — which would be a tall order.

However, I see an opportunity. As the President of the Republic of Margaritahill, I also can issue executive orders renaming things. And I have a far greater mandate than Trump because I was unanimously elected in a 1-0 landslide.

I thought about renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Margaritaville, but thousands of Parrot Heads (Jimmy Buffett fans for you uncultured folks) have already beaten me to that suggestion. I do think it makes more sense — Buffett was born and raised on the Gulf Coast, after all.

So, I’ve created a side hustle. For just $50,000, I will send you an executive order from the Sorta Resolute Desk in the Rectangular Office of the Light Green House renaming the Gulf anything you’d like. The folks at Star Registration have been selling naming rights to every star you can see for years. I think (I might’ve even bought one years ago, but I forgot where I put it. It’s probably in a cardboard box labeled “Stars.”)

You want the Gulf of Crazy Larry? Gulf of Gladys Ann Turnipseed? Gulf of Troy’s Snack Shack? You got it! I’m taking orders/payments now. (Must pay in advance.)

I’m actually on board with renaming some things. For instance, the highest point in Georgia is named Brasstown Bald. I find that rather offensive and am renaming it Brasstown Follically-Challenged Summit or Brasstown Perfectly Natural Receding Hairline For Its Age Mountain — not that I can relate in any way, mind you.

I’ve already renamed the Hawaiian island of Maui to “Chris Johnson’s Retirement Island” (no trespassing). I’ve always been suspicious of any word that has more vowels than consonants — you know, like voodoo and folks named Louie. Currently, Maui has three times as many vowels as consonants even though there are way more qualified consonants — clearly some sort of DEI violation. And, yes, “violation” is another one of those overly vowelly words.

Granted, I can’t afford Maui and am more of a sandbar in the middle of the Flint River guy, but maybe somebody there will let me have a free place to stay if my name’s on the island.

In 2012, Mississippi lawmakers rejected a bill to officially call it the Gulf of America (a bill that was filed facetiously by a Democratic lawmaker to make a point about immigration, although the humor was lost on folks — including those who now want to name it the Gulf of America because Daddy wants to.)

When it comes to the Gulf, I guess I’m just happy it’s not the Gulf of Trump. The president could easily change more names as he wishes — Ivanka Island, Brasstown Balls, Mount Melania (no thanks), or Barron Bay. Our two Dakotas could become South Dakota and Don Dakota. If the guy can put his own name on a Bible and imaginary money, there really is no limit to what he can do. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going down to a place I now call Chris’ Financial Union and see if they’ll let me withdraw all the funds.

It’s worth a shot.