Chris Johnson

In 2033, I land an exclusive interview with our favorite expatriated American

In 2033, I land an exclusive interview with our favorite expatriated American

When you’re a part-time newspaper columnist like me, one of the advantages is the untold riches those 25 minutes of weekly work brings and the capacity to buy anything you want. I bought a time machine. Sure, I could go back in time and kill baby Hitler or go forward to get next week’s lottery numbers, but, again, I am already filthy rich — not rich enough to buy (or maybe not) Twitter but enough to buy (or maybe not) Parler. I’d let you borrow my time machine, but it’s a stick shift, and the air-conditioner doesn’t work. (Again, just […]

Guys look at parties — and shark tootery — a little differently

Guys look at parties — and shark tootery — a little differently

Photo: My wife’s actual shark tootery tray Friday night At the risk of doing the kind of stereotyping for which the hypersensitive idiots running Facebook might ban me, I’ve noticed that guys and gals do many things differently. No, not every guy and not every girl and not every they or former guy/girl, but in general there is often a divide between the “guy way” and the “gal way.” (I apologize in advance for the above offense and the offenses that are to follow. It was completely by accident, and I will seek counseling. If you’re not offended by anything […]

Restaurant apps are a thing now, but no so much back home

Restaurant apps are a thing now, but no so much back home

When I was a kid, going to a restaurant was a very big deal. Of course, I grew up in a small town where folks actually cooked on a regular basis and there weren’t a dozen restaurants on every street. In fact, I doubt there were a dozen restaurants in the whole county when I was a kid. Not that it was a bad thing. We sat down for dinner with no waiting for a table, no loud folks at the next table and no music or TVs blaring. That gave my parents a chance to ask things like how […]

Why would Elon Musk want his weird hands on Twitter

Why would Elon Musk want his weird hands on Twitter

Recently, in between middle-school-level jabs at Netflix for a bad first quarter and at Jeff Bezos for his rocket ship that looks more like something you’d buy at Starship more than, well, an actual starship, gazillionaire super-weirdo-villain Elon Musk has turned his attention to Twitter — buying $11 billion worth of stock and then threatening a hostile takeover of the company with an offer of about $44 billion. Granted, $44 billion may sound like a lot of money to an ordinary person like yourself or an even more ordinary person like me, but to Elon that’s basically like what buying […]

Jiminy Cricket! Boycott Disney or don’t, but quit whining!

Jiminy Cricket! Boycott Disney or don’t, but quit whining!

When it comes to the battle between right-wingers and Disney, I don’t really have a Pluto in this fight. Orlando is my least favorite town on Earth, just behind Aleppo, Syria, and College Park, Georgia. I’m also not a bigot who has knee-jerk reactions when he hears about anything related to gay or trans issues. I am, however, vehemently against whining. And America is now an incredibly whiny country. This whole Disney thing exploded when the company got in trouble with its more woke employees and supporters for not immediately coming out strongly against Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill, […]

The Bobs from “Office Space” need to meet with the U.N. Security Council

The Bobs from “Office Space” need to meet with the U.N. Security Council

If you Google “U.N. Security Council,” “Security Council” or “What the heck is the point of this stupid Security Council if it’s completely impotent and can’t stop the sickening onslaught and war crimes in Ukraine,” the top result is probably going to be the website — www.un.org/securitycouncil. It’s possible that I’m the one who used that third Google search term and wound up on that page, where I noticed something very interesting. It was the very first sentence on the website, which I thought might indicate something rather important: “The Security Council has primary responsibility for the maintenance of international […]

TRAVELOGUE: Dear Utah, sorry for all the jokes

TRAVELOGUE: Dear Utah, sorry for all the jokes

Visiting Ensign Peak, overlooking downtown Salt Lake City and the surrounding valley (Note: Be sure to check out the photo gallery at the end of this post. Heck, no one reads anymore, so go ahead and check it out now if you want.) I know this is going to surprise a lot of folks, but I don’t have a lot of close friends. Yes, I know a lot of folks who I would say “yes” if anyone asked if they were a friend of mine. And, thanks to having worked in the newspaper business and then with an international nonprofit, […]

Journalists fight for truth even as feces-flingers prefer propaganda

Journalists fight for truth even as feces-flingers prefer propaganda

Right now in Russia, purveyors of “fake news” (deemed as such by that bastion of truthfulness and decency The Kremlin) can face a 15-year prison sentence under a new law enacted by truth-fearer Vladimir Putin and his gutless cohorts. This is on top of a 2019 “fake news” law that had somewhat lighter penalties with smaller fines and less jail time but that always-scary mark on your permanent record. I got that “permanent record” warning a lot when I was in school, though I was never really sure what it meant. I remain scared that someday when I try to […]