Chris Johnson

How gullible are you? Take the test and find out

How gullible are you? Take the test and find out

I know you’ve gotten those robocalls about your car’s extended warranty. If you’re like me, you get about one per week. I wouldn’t answer them, but I often get work-related phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize. Then there are those calls informing you that you are about to be arrested over some Social Security scam or something. I really haven’t had time to sit through these calls to find out exactly what they’re about to arrest me for, so I just scream into the phone, “Come and get me, coppers!” There have been many such versions of these phony […]

Baby come back — you can blame it all on me

Baby come back — you can blame it all on me

On May 30, 2015, I broke up with you, Atlanta Braves. I’d loved you unconditionally, in sickness and in health (some loooong years of sickness, by the way) my entire life, and some of my earliest memories were from that ugly bowl called Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. I supported you when others sported bumper stickers that read, “Go Braves, and take the Falcons with you!” But after Ted Turner gave you away to some corporate folks who can’t find the state of Georgia on a map, things went downhill. You got cheap on me. Worse, you decided the perfectly good house […]

Harold and Kumar would hate Flippy

Harold and Kumar would hate Flippy

I have a confession to make. I have never eaten at a White Castle restaurant, ordered takeout from a White Castle restaurant or even picked up one of those boxes of White Castle burgers in the frozen foods section of the grocery store. As y’all know, it’s Krystal country down here. I’ve seen a few White Castles in my travels but never stopped. Because I’ve never had a White Castle burger, I can only assume by the way they look that they are almost exactly like a Krystal burger. I’m sure some tiny burger aficionado is hyperventilating and ready to […]

Why the $10 bill now gives me anxiety

Why the $10 bill now gives me anxiety

Musicals have never been my thing. I know that’s surprising for those of you who look at me and think, “Well, if that ain’t a walkin’ talkin’ ball of culture right there, I don’t know what is.” Perhaps it’s the flashbacks I have to my days at Possum Holler High when our drama class staged “My Fair Lady” — but not the one based on George Bernard Shaw’s “Pygmalion.” No, our creative drama teacher Lynn-Ellen Miranda wrote her own version based upon that time the Dog-Faced Boy ran off with Snake Girl — well, slithered off — at the 1977 […]

Wondering how I’m able to manage this coiffure in a pandemic, are you?

Wondering how I’m able to manage this coiffure in a pandemic, are you?

(Photo: Don’t tell Floyd, but I haven’t had my hair cut by a pro in years.) Something many folks have missed during these days of avoiding coronavirus like the plague — which it is — is regular haircuts. A few brave folks, of course, have charged courageously into the salon because as Billy Crystal used to point out on Fernando’s Hideaway on “Saturday Night Live:” It’s better to look good than to feel good.” Don’t I know it. Some of you, though, have played it a little safer. You’re the guys looking like Shaggy from “Scooby-Doo,” and the women looking […]

Much needs changing, but let’s not forget these big issues

Much needs changing, but let’s not forget these big issues

A couple of months ago, as many of us were dealing with shelter-in-place orders during those good ol’ days when we still cared about stifling a pandemic, Land O Lakes made some big news. That’s right. Butter. Butter made the news. They removed the image of a Native American woman from their packaging. It was a move hailed by half the nation and decried by those thinking this could be a slippery slope toward having almost nothing racist anymore. They actually removed the woman from the packaging in February, but I guess no one noticed until April because we were […]

My 50 favorite Jimmy Buffett songs not named “Margaritaville” … in no particular order

My 50 favorite Jimmy Buffett songs not named “Margaritaville” … in no particular order

Today is my 50th birthday. I’m writing this in advance, though, so just in case I died before this automatically posted, well, today would have been my 50th birthday. But let’s assume I’m still here. It just makes me feel better. Because it’s my 50th birthday, you can bet I’m at the beach. It won’t be a crowded beach, and I’ll be socially distancing just as I have my previous 49 years of going to the beach. There are margaritas flowing, something on the grill, and tropical music — especially a lot of tunes from Jimmy Buffett, who has provided […]

I’m about to do something these greats never did

I’m about to do something these greats never did

This coming Saturday, I’ll be celebrating a milestone birthday at the beach with a handful of family members. I promise to practice social distancing while there, something I’ve been practicing at the beach (and everywhere else) for the last 49 years or so. Yes, I’ll be turning 50 — a bit of a miracle given some close calls with car crashes, kayaking accidents and 20 years of battling our nation’s greedy health care system. Well, I assume I’ll make it to Saturday. It is 2020, after all, so any day now the super volcano under Yellowstone will erupt (it’s due) […]