Chris Johnson

Feathers are flying over chicken sandwiches

Feathers are flying over chicken sandwiches

When I was a tennis player back in high school — somewhere about the time they invented the sport — we often took road trips. The best thing about these road trips was stopping to eat before heading home. Today, when I see a school bus parked outside of a restaurant, I know two things are happening. One, the underpaid folks who work behind the counter are thinking something between “Oh great” and “I quit.” And, two, because I see 47 kids piling into the restaurant, I’m going somewhere else. But I was once one of those kids. I didn’t […]

Revenge of the nerds is getting out of hand

Revenge of the nerds is getting out of hand

When I was in junior high school, I dabbled in computer programming. By “programming,” of course, I mean that I bought magazines with basic DOS codes that I typed into a computer and produced simplistic video games that made Pong look brilliant. That was way back before Al Gore invented the internet as we know it — the place that today has led to such remarkable moments in human achievement like Grumpy Cat, Zoom meetings with Jeffrey Toobin, and mean tweets from Grumpy Cat’s third cousin twice-removed on his mama’s side, also known as the 45th president. Even in the […]

Is a little common sense too much to ask? Probably

Is a little common sense too much to ask? Probably

Several folks like Liz Cheney, Paul Ryan, Adam Kinzinger and the ghost of Ronald Reagan have been insisting that the Republican Party needs to rededicate itself to conservative fundamentals and move away from folks like Rep. Jewish Space Laser (R-Georgia) and all the witches found in recent witch hunts. Good luck with that. Cheney and the gang are way outnumbered. With everyone from Ron DeSantis to Elise Stefanik to Kevin McCarthy to Lauren Boebert dancing for Daddy Trump’s attention, the GOP looks like some sort of extremist version of “American Bandstand.” “OK, kids. Let’s do the Cha Cha Slide, GOP-style. […]

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

I’ve never been much for wearing jewelry. I know it’s hard to believe that a fashion icon like myself does not have his fingers, neck, ears, nose, tongue and teeth all decked out in gold and diamonds. I guess I just haven’t found the perfect jewels to match my formal flip-flops and sleeveless t-shirt. Besides, I don’t like the way we discriminate with jewelry. Who got to decide that a diamond is a more valuable rock than quartz or limestone? Who got to decide gold is more valuable than silver and platinum is more valuable than aluminum? I’m so woke […]

All this hyperventilating has to stop

All this hyperventilating has to stop

We all remember what happened last spring when the pandemic first hit: It clearly scared the poop out of everybody because the first thing most Americans apparently thought was, “I’m gonna need 400 rolls of toilet paper!” I understood the run on disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, but the run on toilet paper baffled me. Did the poop rate go up? Was it because people were staying home from work and just got tired of sitting in front of the TV, so they decided to go sit on the toilet for a while? It’s the same thing when a snowflake […]

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

For those of us who’ve spent a decade or three or four listening to the music of Jimmy Buffett, there’s this little section of our brain to which we can retreat whenever we sip a margarita, strum a six-string or lie in a hammock — or, on a really good day, all three. It’s our own little mental “Margaritaville” — where we can nibble on sponge cake in our flip-flops until someone shakes us out of our perceptual paradise with a “I thought you were gonna take out the trash!” “I can’t. I might step on a pop top! You […]

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

As someone who has added a pound or two or 20 over the past couple of decades, I’ve tried my share of diets. Each has had about the same degree of success — and by “success,” I mean total failure. I’ve tried low-carb and no carb. I’ve tried intermittent fasting, outermittent fasting and intermittent slowing. I’ve even tried swallowing that supplement that starts with a “V.” What’s it called again? Oh yeah, vegetables. Some grocery stores have whole sections devoted to them. Who knew? I thought it was just an extension of the floral department. That might explain why Tessa […]

Hurry up, tech world, and beam us into the future

Hurry up, tech world, and beam us into the future

This is a dangerous thing for me to say in my house — nearly as bad as, “Hey, can we trade the cat in for a dog, or a pet rock?” — but I was not a huge fan of “Star Trek” when I was growing up. Granted, the spinoffs and reboots of the original series in which T.J. Hooker and his friends explored the galaxy (Or was it the universe? I’m not clear on their jurisdiction.) in their pajamas were better produced and naturally featured better special effects. I was more of a “Star Wars” kid, at least until […]