kudzukid

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

We rarely go to restaurants these days, but we were 10 minutes from home, hungry and it was too late for lunch but too early to begin grilling dinner. My wife suggested we stop for a quick snack at a fast-food restaurant. Never one to turn down grease congealed into round and square semi-edible items, I slung the car into the parking lot. “Great idea!” A few minutes later, we were sitting at a table with order 298 — a […]

Don’t eat their feet!

Don’t eat their feet!

Yesterday I spent nearly three hours in a dentist’s chair. It was not by choice. It’s not like I have some weird hobby where I just plop down in random professionals’ chairs. At least, not anymore. Not since that actuary from Macon called the police. I’m still not sure what they do, but, man, they get abnormally upset when strangers sit in their chairs. While I really like my dentist and his staff, I loathe going to any dentist’s office. […]

Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions. I’m a rebel like that. I’m more apt to make a spur-of-the-moment, March 12th resolution when I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and think, “Dang! I need to lose one or two or 25 pounds. I think I’ll resolve to do that.” “You said the same thing last week,” my wife will say. “That’s fake news! Last week I resolved to lose one or two or 20 […]

2020: The Year in Preview

2020: The Year in Preview

When most folks make predictions, they are merely guessing. But when I make predictions — especially about something as important and as annual as my Year in Preview — know that I am not merely guessing. Puh-leeze! I’m no amateur here. I’m guessing and throwing two tennis balls against a wall, each ball with a prediction about a topic of major importance. Then I send ol’ Blue here, a hound dog with the ability to foretell the future, to chase […]

“Star Wars” allegedly comes to the end of its galactic run

“Star Wars” allegedly comes to the end of its galactic run

When I was a kid, a film came out that changed the movie landscape forever — “The Godfather.” I was only 2 years old back then, so I thought it was a bit violent compared to “Sesame Street” and that Michael Corleone’s nearly instant mowing down of every other mob boss after his father’s death was a little too easy and simplistic. I gave it one tiny thumb’s up and one sideways. Five years later, another film came out that […]

Lost shaker of salt might be in Scotland

Lost shaker of salt might be in Scotland

When my son first left for Scotland just before the fall of 2018 to follow his dream of studying at the University of Stirling, I just knew he’d be terribly homesick for everything about America, including his family. He was … for about 27 seconds. He’s fallen in love with the place. The Scots have stolen my son. He’s happy, though, and getting a good education, and that’s all I really care about. It’s not my life to live. But […]

Flashback column: “America will sing again” (September 2001)

Flashback column: “America will sing again” (September 2001)

(Note: This is the column I wrote back in 2001 after the 9/11 attacks. It’s also in “The Best of Chris Johnson, Volume I,” available at this link.) It’s so easy to lose perspective in this life. I spent Monday getting my wisdom teeth cut out and then spent about five hours that night at the emergency room after an unexplained fainting spell. I didn’t care, because I was more worried about my stepmother, who was in surgery that day […]

College sure has changed, and I think that might be a good thing

College sure has changed, and I think that might be a good thing

This past Friday, I participated in a community fair for incoming freshmen at the college I allegedly attended 31 years ago, Georgia Southwestern. (I’m told I have a record there, though I’m not sure if it’s in the administration building or with campus police.) I was there to promote The Fuller Center for Housing, where these new students could put in some volunteer hours or just serve their community — here at home or around the world. I was advertising […]