Chris Johnson

Simple-mindedness sticks around

Simple-mindedness sticks around

If there’s one thing Americans possess more than folks in almost any other country, it’s our amazing ability to boil a complicated, complex issue into one of utter simplicity. Take gasoline prices for instance. If you’re a critical thinker, you probably think prices are determined by the global market, production, speculation, demand and profiteering. You might get your numbers from folks like the U.S. Energy Information Administration and not Tucker Carlson or a pandering politician. It also means you’re one of about 12 critical thinkers left in America. However, simple-minded folks can sum up the gasoline price issue by slapping […]

I’ll take “Things that don’t bother me for $200,” please

I’ll take “Things that don’t bother me for $200,” please

We’ve all learned a lot about Ukraine in recent weeks in months — like where it is, how resilient their people are and how to pronounce the name of its capital and biggest city, Kiev (or Kyiv). As long as I can remember — I mean, like, going back months — I’ve called it KEE-ev. So did most folks, including government officials and journalists. As it turns out, that’s the way Russians pronounce it. Ukrainians pronounce it KEEV. And if that’s the way the Ukrainians want it, by golly, they’ve got it. The heck with the Russian way. Yet, I […]

How to be prepared for all the twists and turns of life

How to be prepared for all the twists and turns of life

Yes, life here in these United States sure is great. However, you never know what lurks around the corner — such as a car crash, a medical emergency, your identity being stolen or your chihuahua attacking the mailman and causing permanent emotional distress. (For the chihuahua, of course, because mailmen taste horrible.) The point is that Americans are never more than three feet away from a disaster that can bankrupt you forever. No, wait, that’s a spider we’re never more than three feet from. Anyway, you’re going to need a lot of insurance to protect you from all the things […]

I always knew I’d finally get the call from the Atlanta Falcons

I always knew I’d finally get the call from the Atlanta Falcons

This is a difficult time of the year for me. The Super Bowl is over. College football season is over. Flag football season is over. I am officially in mourning. Yes, I know there are other sports, but they are soooo many regular season games that it really just becomes a long road of elbow injuries and survival before the playoffs start, and I can start paying attention again. Of course, even the playoffs in baseball, hockey and pro basketball can be excruciatingly long. As the great Southern writer Lewis Grizzard used to say, “If the NBA were in charge […]

Remember when we all gathered on hillsides with soda and wanted to teach the world to sing?

Remember when we all gathered on hillsides with soda and wanted to teach the world to sing?

This world is a fragile place. We’ve got nuclear weapons pointed this way and that. There are doomsday ice shelves threatening to break away and flood the oceans any year, day or minute now. We’ve got 1 percent of the American population dictating our economic policies. And there are like zero biscuits at the grocery store. Who hoardes biscuits?! Have you no shame?! There are problems all over the world and problems here in America. There are problems on Aisle 3 of Groceries R Us. Even in Wal-Mart, I have to check myself out these days. “Sir, what are you […]

A new place to watch some favorite TV shows

A new place to watch some favorite TV shows

There was a time, boys and girls, when folks who watched TV didn’t have all the fancy advantages and options you have these days. We couldn’t watch shows on phones because phones consisted of an earpiece and mouthpiece hanging on the kitchen wall. We remember when shows were black and white — and not for some artsy effect — and when there were three channels, two of which you could see semi-clearly. That’s all back when the TV weighed 3,000 pounds and took up half the living room. The most significant advantage TV watchers have today is a gazillion sources […]

Which horse you got in the 2022 End of the World Derby?

Which horse you got in the 2022 End of the World Derby?

I recently got to thinking about how everything from Omicron to SuperVolcano and everything else that occasionally threatens to end the world sounds a little bit like a bunch of race horses. And it got me thinking about what the call for the 2022 End of the World Derby just might sound like. I suspect it would sound a little like this:  

The top-secret transcript of Biden’s last call with Putin

The top-secret transcript of Biden’s last call with Putin

Some of you may not know that writing newspaper columns, books and blogs is not my real job. I mean, it all pays incredible money and I often roll around naked in cash like Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal,” but I do have a real job — on the White House staff as an advisor to the president. I spend a lot of time with President Joe Biden helping him navigate the complexities of the Covid response, increasing inflation amid even-further-increasing corporate profits and handling his Twitter account. Lately, though, I’ve spent a lot of time helping him with the […]