• Chris Johnson

    Don’t go burnin’ your Barbies just yet

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    Don’t go burnin’ your Barbies just yet

    I generally see about one movie in the theater each year. I don’t like the expense, the crowds, the noise nor the inability to pause the movie. So, when I do go to the movies, it’s got to be something pretty spectacular like “Gone with the Wind,” “Star Wars” or “The Dukes of Hazzard.” So, of course, the first and probably only movie I see in the theater this year is … “Barbie.” Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that, either. When I found out they were making a Barbie movie, I wondered, sometimes aloud, “What kind of idiot is going to […]

    I like my small towns more Mayberry and less Jason Aldean-y

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    I like my small towns more Mayberry and less Jason Aldean-y

    Dear Jason Aldean, I’m from a small town — an actual small town. I grew up in Oglethorpe, Georgia with a population of 1,000 people and 1 traffic light. I’ve been to your hometown of Macon, Georgia just up the road from my home here in Perry, Georgia. There is much I like about Macon, despite its crime issues. There are some great restaurants like the Fish n Pig, The Rookery, Famous Mike’s and Kudzu Seafood Company. Your town’s contributions to the music world are legendary — including Otis Redding, Little Richard and the Allman Brothers. I’ve enjoyed watching the […]

    Enjoy the little things — such as “the whole world”

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    Enjoy the little things — such as “the whole world”

    (Photo: My 7-year-old grandson Jackson at Pine Mountain’s Dowdell’s Knob last week) Like most kids who grew up in the 1970s and ’80s, I had the chore of mowing the yard. Not the lawn, mind you, but the yard — with its sticks and ant beds and pine cones and bahia grass that grew back 12 seconds later … and I got to do it all in 174-degree heat with 127-percent humidity.  Sometimes my dad would inspect the yard afterward. If he found a blade of grass that had been missed by the mower, I got to do the whole […]

    I need “trigger warnings” for a few things myself

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    I need “trigger warnings” for a few things myself

    I’ve written about how ridiculous both left-wing ultra-woke-ism and right-wing cancel culture snowflakeyness are. In doing so, I had four people agree with me, 237 left-wingers explain how I don’t have a right to my opinion and have caused them great emotional pain, and 326 right-wingers throw their Bud Lights at me while screaming that “Mermaids ain’t black!!” All of the responses led me to a groundbreaking conclusion: “Wow — 567 folks actually read my article! That’s a new record!” I’m just joking, of course. No one reads anymore. They more likely saw a picture and a headline and dang […]

    Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

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    Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

    Florida’s Mickey Mouse governor, Ron DeSantis, is making official what we’ve all known for months — he’s running for the GOP nomination for president. And I’ve got the copy of his official announcement speech: My fellow straight Floridians, my name is Ron DeSanctimonious and — um, dadgum, I can’t believe that stupid nickname is so catchy — I mean I’m Ron DeSantis, and I am officially announcing my candidacy for second place in the GOP nominating process. And with enough help from Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders, I could possibly ascend to the actual GOP nomination and become your next […]

    I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

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    I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

    I know it’s easy to get discouraged when you turn on the news these days — and not just because it’s a commercial break and they’re listing all the side effects for that new clear skin drug Flamoxidedrinaltine. But, yea, I insist be optimistic and hopeful still. No one will notice your explosive diarrhea because they are going to be so distracted by your clear skin. Granted, they may not let you carpool with them again, but still … Yes, politicians are playing chicken over the debt ceiling and are willing to sacrifice your financial security if that’s what it […]

    The surest sign yet that America is messed up

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    The surest sign yet that America is messed up

    People who think America has crossed the Rubicon into permanent dysfunction and division point to such things as a broken two-party system, money in politics, out-of-control debt, gender identity and cartoon mice as prime examples to support their opinion. Granted, the folks who are most worried about gender identity and which bathroom trans people use also are the people who just read my first sentence and are telling somebody, “Yeah, I got me one of dem Rubicon cubes back in the ’80s. Only way I could solve it was with a screwdriver!” “I heered that!” Unfortunately, I, too, now believe […]

    How you can use the Facebook settlement to send a message

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    How you can use the Facebook settlement to send a message

    By now, you’ve probably heard that Facebook has settled its case involving the sharing of its users’ data with Cambridge Analytica, whose clients included the 2016 presidential campaigns of both Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. Those campaigns allegedly used the harvested data from Facebook to build pyschographic profiles of those whom they could target with their social media advertising. A lot of that information came to light during the “Russia Russia Russia hoax” that Trump likes to also call a “witch hunt” — a “witch hunt” that found a whole bunch of witches, just not Trump. Now, I never believed […]

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