Chris Johnson

Oh, Lord, it’s not hard to be humble

Oh, Lord, it’s not hard to be humble

Last week, we lost yet another music icon with the passing of Loretta Lynn, the Coal Miner’s Daughter. I’ve gotten to the age where music icons are disappearing all too regularly. Some of those icons who provided significant chunks of my lifetime’s soundtrack died unexpectedly — such as Prince, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Stevie Ray Vaughn and Whitney Houston — while others are unexpectedly still alive and kicking like Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne. Of course, Richards has finally quit smoking after 55 years, while Ozzy has cut way back on eating live bats. Other deaths you could see coming […]

Don’t be a drag, Lil’ Snowflake

Don’t be a drag, Lil’ Snowflake

Photo: At least Milton Berle and Bob Hope had the decency to not read books. Today I’d like to talk about Lil Nas X. If it seems a little quiet here, that’s because all the racists just quit reading after the word “Lil,” and all the homophobes left after the word “Nas.” And anybody who likes decent music left after the “X.” The only reason I’m still here is because I’m getting paid big-time money to write it. And the only reason you’re still here is because your computer froze up and no matter how many times you click the […]

What if brand names accurately reflected the product?

What if brand names accurately reflected the product?

Hello, and welcome to Reality Brands — the new superstore for all of your shopping needs. We don’t carry traditional brand names, but — even better — we carry brands that accurately reflect the items for sale. And we sell dang near everything. My name is Mr. Friendly because I work on commission. Stereo systems? Hmm, we haven’t sold one of those in a while. A lot of bass, huh? Well, we do have this system here. As you can see it has the old school turntable and CD player with 100-watt speakers. It’s the DTP-3000x from NGH, Neighbors Gonna […]

How to wash your pickup truck

How to wash your pickup truck

I just did something unusual — well, unusual for me anyway. I took my pickup truck through the car wash. This was quite the shock to everyone I know, especially my wife who is convinced that I can’t actually see dirt until it piles up to the point that folks give it a name that starts with Mount. Not only that, but I purchased the $25 wash — the most money I’ve spent on a vehicle cleaning in my entire life. Yes, I know some of you spend 10 times that at some specialty place where they crawl all around […]

There’s no present like the time

There’s no present like the time

In the past week, I’ve picked up one grandson from preschool twice, taken the other to baseball practice and cheered him on at a coach-pitch game, did a whole lot of riding on the golf cart with both of them while blasting those super-cool new songs “Purple People Eater” and “Ghostbusters,” told bedtime stories about Jack and the Beanstalk and Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby and, of course, responded to roughly 1 million requests of “Pop, be monster!” Sigh. “OK. Raaawwrrrrr!” Cue screaming and panicked running to the nearest walk-in closet. Door slam … and scene. It was a […]

Hope you all enjoyed your latest ultra-American holiday

Hope you all enjoyed your latest ultra-American holiday

Yesterday was Labor Day, capping a final summer weekend when many of us folks with cushy jobs hit the road for one last summer outing to the beach or pool or Wild Flags Over Mickey World. It’s truly an ultra-American holiday. Then again, this also is National Waffle Week, and that’s also extremely American. But Labor Day is when we celebrate the American worker, and we do it in the most American way possible — by leaving so many of them out of it. On Labor Day weekend, we fill our gas-guzzling vehicles and whine about the price of gas […]

And I thought I was too old to be a pirate

And I thought I was too old to be a pirate

One of the most beloved Jimmy Buffett songs is a reflective, anguished ballad from the early 1970s that has nothing to do with cheeseburgers in paradise, volcanoes or margaritas — although a little bit of rum may be involved. “A Pirate Looks at Forty” is about an aging sailor who is fading into the sunset and realizing that he’s found his perfect occupation … “two hundred years too late.” Having become a writer about the time most folks decided to quit reading, I kinda know how the guy feels. Maybe that’s why it’s one of my go-to songs when I […]

If I’m being polite out of pure obligation, at least return the favor

If I’m being polite out of pure obligation, at least return the favor

Many people in my neighborhood like to walk around and enjoy the fresh air. Some put their dogs on a leash before heading out, while others tuck their kids into strollers or wagons. A handful should consider putting their kids on a leash and perhaps hooking them to a tree in the front yard until they return from their walk. I know, I know. I’m kidding. No one should treat a tree like that. They’re going through enough with the current environmental assault by mankind without having to battle kid-kind, as well. And I’m not saying to leave the kids […]