Chris Johnson

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

I’ve never been much for wearing jewelry. I know it’s hard to believe that a fashion icon like myself does not have his fingers, neck, ears, nose, tongue and teeth all decked out in gold and diamonds. I guess I just haven’t found the perfect jewels to match my formal flip-flops and sleeveless t-shirt. Besides, I don’t like the way we discriminate with jewelry. Who got to decide that a diamond is a more valuable rock than quartz or limestone? Who got to decide gold is more valuable than silver and platinum is more valuable than aluminum? I’m so woke […]

All this hyperventilating has to stop

All this hyperventilating has to stop

We all remember what happened last spring when the pandemic first hit: It clearly scared the poop out of everybody because the first thing most Americans apparently thought was, “I’m gonna need 400 rolls of toilet paper!” I understood the run on disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, but the run on toilet paper baffled me. Did the poop rate go up? Was it because people were staying home from work and just got tired of sitting in front of the TV, so they decided to go sit on the toilet for a while? It’s the same thing when a snowflake […]

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

For those of us who’ve spent a decade or three or four listening to the music of Jimmy Buffett, there’s this little section of our brain to which we can retreat whenever we sip a margarita, strum a six-string or lie in a hammock — or, on a really good day, all three. It’s our own little mental “Margaritaville” — where we can nibble on sponge cake in our flip-flops until someone shakes us out of our perceptual paradise with a “I thought you were gonna take out the trash!” “I can’t. I might step on a pop top! You […]

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

At last, a diet plan that works for me!

As someone who has added a pound or two or 20 over the past couple of decades, I’ve tried my share of diets. Each has had about the same degree of success — and by “success,” I mean total failure. I’ve tried low-carb and no carb. I’ve tried intermittent fasting, outermittent fasting and intermittent slowing. I’ve even tried swallowing that supplement that starts with a “V.” What’s it called again? Oh yeah, vegetables. Some grocery stores have whole sections devoted to them. Who knew? I thought it was just an extension of the floral department. That might explain why Tessa […]

Hurry up, tech world, and beam us into the future

Hurry up, tech world, and beam us into the future

This is a dangerous thing for me to say in my house — nearly as bad as, “Hey, can we trade the cat in for a dog, or a pet rock?” — but I was not a huge fan of “Star Trek” when I was growing up. Granted, the spinoffs and reboots of the original series in which T.J. Hooker and his friends explored the galaxy (Or was it the universe? I’m not clear on their jurisdiction.) in their pajamas were better produced and naturally featured better special effects. I was more of a “Star Wars” kid, at least until […]

Will the handshake forever be a thing of the past?

Will the handshake forever be a thing of the past?

It’s hardly their best song, but “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” is the hit that put the Georgia Satellites on the map and is quite catchy even if I’ve heard it way too many times. Any song that has the “jing-a-ling-a-ling” in the opening line can’t be all bad. Most of us have been keeping our hands to ourselves for over a year now. I believe the handshake may be one of the things that never truly comes back if the pandemic ever ends. (With so many people refusing to get the vaccine, herd immunity may never be achieved, but […]

I guess noise is in the ear of the beholder

I guess noise is in the ear of the beholder

On Friday, April 2, I awoke in a hotel room on Saint Simons Island, one of my favorite places on the planet. My wife and I had gone down for a quiet weekend anniversary getaway. Unfortunately, it was 7:40 a.m., and we were awakened by a roaring leafblower. The wind was blowing a steady 10 to 15 miles per hour, and leaves were swirling. The guy would blow leaves from here to there, and the wind would blow them from there to here. It was a useless exercise that I’ve often seen repeated by workers in Columbus and other cities. […]

Corporations should sit out more issues

Corporations should sit out more issues

Recently my Facebook feed was flooded with folks hyperventilating about a so-called “Satan shoe,” a collaboration between rapper Lil Nas X and a company I’ve never heard of called MSCHF, which I believe stands for Milking Stupid Consumers for Hellish Footwear. The company has a long history of repurposing products in weird ways and then selling them for exorbitant costs, such as these stupid repurposed Nike Air Max 97 sneakers — adorned with a bronze pentagram charm and a drop of human blood in the mid-sole. Now, I have a confession to make: I once had a Nike with way […]