Chris Johnson

Americans no longer know how to debate — only how to argue

Americans no longer know how to debate — only how to argue

We have less than two months until the next general election — and only about eight months until all the votes get counted. During this period of time, there is going to be an awful lot of arguing back and forth on social media. We will see manipulated photos and videos. We will see propaganda from Russians and Chinese and those dang Bermudans. Someone will die, and it will be that side’s fault. Another will die, and it’ll be the other side’s fault. People will point out hypocrisy on both sides, from lawmakers in hair salons to spiritual leaders in […]

Colonel would never surrender this slogan to a virus!

Colonel would never surrender this slogan to a virus!

I have made every effort to be part of the solution in this whole pandemic mess, and, yet, I still got the virus. I’ve worn a mask in public places, and I’ve stayed home as much as possible. Unfortunately, it appears I was two degrees of separation from a person who thought this was all a hoax and then got others sick. Oh well. It looks like I may survive and just merely may have trouble breathing and be a little bit tired until I die of natural causes — like a meteorite hitting me on the head. It’s 2020, […]

This COVID symptom stinks, although I can’t smell it

This COVID symptom stinks, although I can’t smell it

I can’t wait until Dwayne Johnson — a.k.a. The Rock — someday returns to pro wrestling and then grabs the microphone to scream, “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?!” so that I can jump out of my seat and reply, “No! Not really!” Then again, I haven’t been a wrestling fan since I was about 8 years old watching folks like Mr. Wrestling No. 2, Tommy “Wildfire” Rich and Abdullah the Butcher stomping around Columbus’ old Municipal Auditorium. And I only saw those matches on TV, never in person. But my point remains the same — I can’t […]

Only an idiot knows everything — especially when it comes to coronavirus

Only an idiot knows everything — especially when it comes to coronavirus

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that third bat at dinner last night. But, hey, it’s a constitutional right for a man to fill his belly with potentially pandemic-spreading flying rodents. In case you haven’t been on Facebook or Twitter in a while, you may not be aware that everything is a right in today’s America and we have the freedom to do anything. Yep, I got it. As they say in these here parts, “Chris done up and got The Rona.” I was careful, but I’m surrounded by people expressing their “rights” and “freedoms” all up and down aisle […]

Let’s trim the calendar to just three seasons

Let’s trim the calendar to just three seasons

I was never a big fan of school, so my entire school year was a 180-day countdown to summer. Sure, I liked Thanksgiving break, Christmas holidays and the 1-inch-of-snow shutdown, but summer meant no school for more than two months. That’s an eternity to a kid. When I was a kid, I absolutely loved summer. It didn’t hurt that my next-door-neighbors had a pool in which I was welcome to jump anytime I wanted — which was just about every day of summer. I rode my bike all around Oglethorpe, Georgia. I spent hours playing in Town Creek, which in […]

How gullible are you? Take the test and find out

How gullible are you? Take the test and find out

I know you’ve gotten those robocalls about your car’s extended warranty. If you’re like me, you get about one per week. I wouldn’t answer them, but I often get work-related phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize. Then there are those calls informing you that you are about to be arrested over some Social Security scam or something. I really haven’t had time to sit through these calls to find out exactly what they’re about to arrest me for, so I just scream into the phone, “Come and get me, coppers!” There have been many such versions of these phony […]

Baby come back — you can blame it all on me

Baby come back — you can blame it all on me

On May 30, 2015, I broke up with you, Atlanta Braves. I’d loved you unconditionally, in sickness and in health (some loooong years of sickness, by the way) my entire life, and some of my earliest memories were from that ugly bowl called Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. I supported you when others sported bumper stickers that read, “Go Braves, and take the Falcons with you!” But after Ted Turner gave you away to some corporate folks who can’t find the state of Georgia on a map, things went downhill. You got cheap on me. Worse, you decided the perfectly good house […]

Harold and Kumar would hate Flippy

Harold and Kumar would hate Flippy

I have a confession to make. I have never eaten at a White Castle restaurant, ordered takeout from a White Castle restaurant or even picked up one of those boxes of White Castle burgers in the frozen foods section of the grocery store. As y’all know, it’s Krystal country down here. I’ve seen a few White Castles in my travels but never stopped. Because I’ve never had a White Castle burger, I can only assume by the way they look that they are almost exactly like a Krystal burger. I’m sure some tiny burger aficionado is hyperventilating and ready to […]