Chris Johnson

Sweating the idea of being stuck with naked catfish

Sweating the idea of being stuck with naked catfish

I’ve written before about lingering effects after having had Covid-19, something I tested positive for and supposedly survived back in August. Yet, certain symptoms don’t go away and some new ones surface.The main problem is shortness of breath, but I’ve also got weird nerve pains, a diminished sense of smell and, now, sweat. I’ve always been hot-natured, so a little sweat is nothing new. That’s why I’ve always been the guy to stretch the limits of the office (and school) dress code to wear shorts or something close to them as long as possible. The assistant principal at my high […]

Don’t lock yourself in the Parler

Don’t lock yourself in the Parler

(Photo: Me outside the Parler world headquarters, a gift shop on Saint Simons Island. OK, maybe this isn’t the Parler headquarters, but I bet the proprietor loves Parler almost as much as he hates liberals.) Like a lot of my conservative friends, I now have an account on Parler — the conservative, wild west social media alternative to Facebook and Twitter, where facts are never checked, conspiracy theories are welcome and their version of a “retweet” is called an “echo,” which is fitting because it is definitely an echo chamber. Of course, you’re going to be mighty bored following my […]

Are flip-flops appropriate civil war attire?

Are flip-flops appropriate civil war attire?

As Americans squabbled in the weeks ahead of the election, I occasionally cracked some joke about how the election was going to be Nov. 3 — clearly an oversimplification on my part — and the civil war would begin on Nov. 4, the same day the virus was supposed to go away. Maybe the virus will go away when they finally certify all of the results.  But with so many states decided — or kinda decided — by tiny percentages of votes and a president firing up his base with allegations that he got robbed because of counting, the prospect […]

We gotta do some serious reconciling after today

We gotta do some serious reconciling after today

If you’re like me, I imagine you’ve had today — November 3 for those of you playing at home — circled on your calendar (you know, the one with the cute puppies in flower baskets) for a long time. That’s right. After months upon months of arguing, yelling, debates, gazillions of dollars wasted and lies upon lies, it’s, yes, National Sandwich Day. I didn’t grow up super wealthy, so I know all too well what a mustard-and-ketchup sandwich tastes like. You’d think I’d be all about some decent modern sandwiches. Yet, I’m not a big fan of any chain sandwich […]

I can’t make the bed — I’m a genius!

I can’t make the bed — I’m a genius!

(Photo: The desk in my home office as seen in its neatest, most organized state.) I think it’s pretty hard to have a successful marriage if you don’t have a few things in common. For instance, my wife and I have similar taste in TV, politics and music. Granted, our tastes aren’t exactly the same. I’m sure she thinks she’s heard enough of Jimmy Buffett — wrong! — and I think 30 John Mayer songs a day is more than adequate. Yet, she has sat through two Buffett concerts, while I’ve seen three John Mayer concerts. Having connected with Mayer […]

I’m not to the point of looking for my name in the obits, but …

I’m not to the point of looking for my name in the obits, but …

Comedians such as George Burns and Carl Reiner, along with plenty of well-known older folks before and after them, as well as lesser-known older folks, have quipped something to the extent of “Each morning I read the obituaries in the newspaper, and if I’m not in there I get up and make breakfast.” Lesser-known folks to use that line would include my late grandma, who said it often. I’m a little disappointed now to know she was stealing that saying without giving proper credit, but then again I knew somebody who went to church every Sunday, crocheted doilies and made […]

What is the point of these ridiculous debates?

What is the point of these ridiculous debates?

As it stands now, the next presidential debate this coming Thursday is not going to happen after President Trump said he wasn’t interested in a virtual debate. Of course, by the time what I’m writing goes into print, that stance may have changed six or seven times — by Tweet, I imagine. Meanwhile, the Commission on Presidential Debates won’t allow a “solo debate” with just Joe Biden. I’m not exactly sure what a solo debate would entail, but then again solo synchronized swimming was once an Olympic event. Just as well, I guess, because Biden would likely lose his temper […]

Hate masks? Well, here a few benefits to wearing one that you may not have thought about

Hate masks? Well, here a few benefits to wearing one that you may not have thought about

It’s been about two months since I contracted COVID. I’ve been pretty darn safe through this whole pandemic mess, but I was just two degrees of separation from a science-denier who didn’t take this very seriously. Now, I’ve never been in the top 1 percent of my class, the top 1 percent of income earners or the top 1 percent of guys in People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” edition, so I’m thankful that I also wasn’t in the less desirable 1 percent — the 1 percent who die after getting COVID. (Or, as the science-deniers will no doubt dispute, the […]