Chris Johnson

Let’s talk things out in ways that unite us

Let’s talk things out in ways that unite us

If you turn on Fox News or CNN or have a Facebook friend who gets all of their news from either one of these “news” sources — or the extreme versions of each like Newsmax and MSNBC — you likely have seen issues that are “tearing America apart” and “destroying life as we know it.” Or so they would have you believe, even though their examples often are anecdotal — such as one school board meeting breaking into fisticuffs over “critical race theory” or one group of peace-loving Capitol tourists lambasted as terrorists just because they wanted to hang Mike […]

Are UFOs real? The alien I met thinks so

Are UFOs real? The alien I met thinks so

The U.S. government has recently been a little more open about UFO sightings over the years — meaning they’ve shifted their official stance from complete denial that they exist to a more transparent and scientific “We ain’t got no idea.” I believe in objects. I believe things can fly. I believe things can exist without being identified. Therefore, I believe in UFOs, Unidentified Flying Objects. It doesn’t have to be controversial. For instance, last week I saw a fellow walking down the street and a friend asked me, “Is that Larry?” “I don’t think so,” I responded. “Therefore, it’s simply […]

Feathers are flying over chicken sandwiches

Feathers are flying over chicken sandwiches

When I was a tennis player back in high school — somewhere about the time they invented the sport — we often took road trips. The best thing about these road trips was stopping to eat before heading home. Today, when I see a school bus parked outside of a restaurant, I know two things are happening. One, the underpaid folks who work behind the counter are thinking something between “Oh great” and “I quit.” And, two, because I see 47 kids piling into the restaurant, I’m going somewhere else. But I was once one of those kids. I didn’t […]

Revenge of the nerds is getting out of hand

Revenge of the nerds is getting out of hand

When I was in junior high school, I dabbled in computer programming. By “programming,” of course, I mean that I bought magazines with basic DOS codes that I typed into a computer and produced simplistic video games that made Pong look brilliant. That was way back before Al Gore invented the internet as we know it — the place that today has led to such remarkable moments in human achievement like Grumpy Cat, Zoom meetings with Jeffrey Toobin, and mean tweets from Grumpy Cat’s third cousin twice-removed on his mama’s side, also known as the 45th president. Even in the […]

Is a little common sense too much to ask? Probably

Is a little common sense too much to ask? Probably

Several folks like Liz Cheney, Paul Ryan, Adam Kinzinger and the ghost of Ronald Reagan have been insisting that the Republican Party needs to rededicate itself to conservative fundamentals and move away from folks like Rep. Jewish Space Laser (R-Georgia) and all the witches found in recent witch hunts. Good luck with that. Cheney and the gang are way outnumbered. With everyone from Ron DeSantis to Elise Stefanik to Kevin McCarthy to Lauren Boebert dancing for Daddy Trump’s attention, the GOP looks like some sort of extremist version of “American Bandstand.” “OK, kids. Let’s do the Cha Cha Slide, GOP-style. […]

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

Proof that I’m not one of “those people”

I’ve never been much for wearing jewelry. I know it’s hard to believe that a fashion icon like myself does not have his fingers, neck, ears, nose, tongue and teeth all decked out in gold and diamonds. I guess I just haven’t found the perfect jewels to match my formal flip-flops and sleeveless t-shirt. Besides, I don’t like the way we discriminate with jewelry. Who got to decide that a diamond is a more valuable rock than quartz or limestone? Who got to decide gold is more valuable than silver and platinum is more valuable than aluminum? I’m so woke […]

All this hyperventilating has to stop

All this hyperventilating has to stop

We all remember what happened last spring when the pandemic first hit: It clearly scared the poop out of everybody because the first thing most Americans apparently thought was, “I’m gonna need 400 rolls of toilet paper!” I understood the run on disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, but the run on toilet paper baffled me. Did the poop rate go up? Was it because people were staying home from work and just got tired of sitting in front of the TV, so they decided to go sit on the toilet for a while? It’s the same thing when a snowflake […]

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

Margaritaville or Margaritahill — that’s a tough call

For those of us who’ve spent a decade or three or four listening to the music of Jimmy Buffett, there’s this little section of our brain to which we can retreat whenever we sip a margarita, strum a six-string or lie in a hammock — or, on a really good day, all three. It’s our own little mental “Margaritaville” — where we can nibble on sponge cake in our flip-flops until someone shakes us out of our perceptual paradise with a “I thought you were gonna take out the trash!” “I can’t. I might step on a pop top! You […]