• Chris Johnson

    I need “trigger warnings” for a few things myself

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    I need “trigger warnings” for a few things myself

    I’ve written about how ridiculous both left-wing ultra-woke-ism and right-wing cancel culture snowflakeyness are. In doing so, I had four people agree with me, 237 left-wingers explain how I don’t have a right to my opinion and have caused them great emotional pain, and 326 right-wingers throw their Bud Lights at me while screaming that “Mermaids ain’t black!!” All of the responses led me to a groundbreaking conclusion: “Wow — 567 folks actually read my article! That’s a new record!” I’m just joking, of course. No one reads anymore. They more likely saw a picture and a headline and dang […]

    Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

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    Ron DeSantis’ announcement speech text

    Florida’s Mickey Mouse governor, Ron DeSantis, is making official what we’ve all known for months — he’s running for the GOP nomination for president. And I’ve got the copy of his official announcement speech: My fellow straight Floridians, my name is Ron DeSanctimonious and — um, dadgum, I can’t believe that stupid nickname is so catchy — I mean I’m Ron DeSantis, and I am officially announcing my candidacy for second place in the GOP nominating process. And with enough help from Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders, I could possibly ascend to the actual GOP nomination and become your next […]

    I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

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    I bring you the message of optimism and hope we all need right now

    I know it’s easy to get discouraged when you turn on the news these days — and not just because it’s a commercial break and they’re listing all the side effects for that new clear skin drug Flamoxidedrinaltine. But, yea, I insist be optimistic and hopeful still. No one will notice your explosive diarrhea because they are going to be so distracted by your clear skin. Granted, they may not let you carpool with them again, but still … Yes, politicians are playing chicken over the debt ceiling and are willing to sacrifice your financial security if that’s what it […]

    The surest sign yet that America is messed up

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    The surest sign yet that America is messed up

    People who think America has crossed the Rubicon into permanent dysfunction and division point to such things as a broken two-party system, money in politics, out-of-control debt, gender identity and cartoon mice as prime examples to support their opinion. Granted, the folks who are most worried about gender identity and which bathroom trans people use also are the people who just read my first sentence and are telling somebody, “Yeah, I got me one of dem Rubicon cubes back in the ’80s. Only way I could solve it was with a screwdriver!” “I heered that!” Unfortunately, I, too, now believe […]

    How you can use the Facebook settlement to send a message

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    How you can use the Facebook settlement to send a message

    By now, you’ve probably heard that Facebook has settled its case involving the sharing of its users’ data with Cambridge Analytica, whose clients included the 2016 presidential campaigns of both Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. Those campaigns allegedly used the harvested data from Facebook to build pyschographic profiles of those whom they could target with their social media advertising. A lot of that information came to light during the “Russia Russia Russia hoax” that Trump likes to also call a “witch hunt” — a “witch hunt” that found a whole bunch of witches, just not Trump. Now, I never believed […]

    AI does have some exciting possibilities; just ask Yul Brynner and Dianne Feinstein

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    AI does have some exciting possibilities; just ask Yul Brynner and Dianne Feinstein

    A lot of folks — well, mainly Tucker Carlson and an almost lifelike, doughy robot named Elon Musk — are very worried about AI (Artificial Intelligence) taking over the world and destroying humanity … as if humans weren’t entirely capable of doing it themselves. Yes, they’re terrified of AI but think climate change — something that is verifiable and measurable — is a hoax and quite humorous. I’m not terrified of climate change or AI. Yes, I know climate change is real, but I’m teaching my grandchildren to swim so that they can handle sea level rise even after they […]

    Too bad that racist trainer wasn’t at a loss for words; I sure am

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    Too bad that racist trainer wasn’t at a loss for words; I sure am

    I have a confession to make: I’m white. Whew! It feels good to get that off my chest. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you all the moves I learned from my “Learn to Breakdance” poster I had back in 1983. See, check this out: Watch me moonwalk. Check out this headspin. Now, the windmill! See, I told you. In fact, that last move wasn’t even a windmill — I was just dizzy from being way too heavy to do a headspin. Dadgum! I’m out of breath! Because I’m white, I can joke about white people in general. Jewish comedians […]

    Am I banished from all the Wal-Marts or just the Americus one?

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    Am I banished from all the Wal-Marts or just the Americus one?

    AMERICUS, Georgia — Just in case I show up on one of those “People of Wal-Mart” videos or something, allow me to explain myself. (I’ll be the guy not wearing pajamas, by the way.) My mom had her heart set on a little electric lawnmower that was available at a place called Wal-Mart. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Like most folks, I try to avoid that store as much as possible, but this little sucker was clearance-priced at $156. Even for an electric lawnmower that’s just a small step above toys like that kid’s mower that blows bubbles, that was […]

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