Chris Johnson

I’m ready for the coronazombielypse

I’m ready for the coronazombielypse

Before the administration muzzled its infectious disease experts and ordered them to funnel anything they say through the U.S. Department of Don’t Worry ‘Bout It, they kind of let it slip that this whole coronavirus thing just might get worse before it gets better. Or as President Trump explained in remarkable detail, “We’ll see.” Fortunately, talk radio star Rush Limbaugh put everyone at ease on his February 24 show by explaining, “The coronavirus is the common cold, folks.” That’s very reassuring coming from a guy who decried the “nanny state” that frowned upon his love of cigars before he developed […]

Is the music ever really over?

Is the music ever really over?

Photo: The Missin’ Links band was started by a couple of my uncles in Ideal, Georgia, in the 1960s, and my dad (left) played bass A couple Saturday nights ago, my wife and I attended a concert by a group we’ve never seen before — and, apparently, we never will be able to again. It was a reunion show for members of The Malibu’s /Sixpence, who formed back in the 1960s like so many bands hoping to make it big. Back then there was a fine line between being a band that played high school sock hops and a band […]

I’m here to help Georgia solve its budget shortfall

I’m here to help Georgia solve its budget shortfall

In the past, I’ve come up with some ideas to help our federal government balance its budget. Among them were ideas such as selling one of the Dakotas. My argument was that no country really needs two Dakotas. One is more than enough. But with our nation projected to once again run up a $1 trillion budget deficit while the debt runs over $21 trillion, it’s clear no one is listening. Apparently, our federal government only runs up huge deficits during a great recession … or during the “greatest economy ever” … or anytime in between. Clearly, we’re going to […]

Hey Iowa: Stick to corn

Hey Iowa: Stick to corn

Iowa is known for only a handful of things. Captain Kirk was from there. Dead baseball players wander its corn fields. It is the nation’s leading producer of ethanol. And it is known as “The Hawkeye State,” making it the only state in the nation that got its nickname from Alan Alda’s character on “MASH.” And, oh yeah, they also get to vote for president before anyone else, shaping the race for the whole rest of the nation. Well, maybe vote isn’t the right word. They caucus. If you thought caucuses were some mountain range in Europe, let me help […]

Vehicle safety has come a long way since I rolled around in the floorboard as a kid

Vehicle safety has come a long way since I rolled around in the floorboard as a kid

I drive a 2011 pickup truck. That’s not exactly ancient or an antique, but it’s also not fresh off the assembly line. That means it doesn’t have its own electronic brain like so many of today’s new vehicles, nor does it boast as many safety features. My wife’s car, meanwhile, boasts so many safety features that you’re barely allowed to ride in it. Now, I don’t have anything against advancing safety features — except for that whole “I’ll brake for you” deal. I wouldn’t mind my truck warning me that there’s a stalled car up ahead or a deer in […]

Don’t just die; live on as a tree

Don’t just die; live on as a tree

“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” It sounds like something Barbara Walters would ask on “20/20” 40 years ago or something you might hear in a job interview if the person interviewing you is an idiot who doesn’t care whether or not you can do the job. But now it has some relevance thanks to the Capsula Mundi. That’s not some new spaceship Elon Musk has designed, nor is it some wonderful new miracle drug that your health insurance company will never cover. The Capsula Mundi is a burial pod. That’s right. After you […]

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

We rarely go to restaurants these days, but we were 10 minutes from home, hungry and it was too late for lunch but too early to begin grilling dinner. My wife suggested we stop for a quick snack at a fast-food restaurant. Never one to turn down grease congealed into round and square semi-edible items, I slung the car into the parking lot. “Great idea!” A few minutes later, we were sitting at a table with order 298 — a round grease thing for her and six tiny round grease things for me — when we realized we were trapped. […]

Don’t eat their feet!

Don’t eat their feet!

Yesterday I spent nearly three hours in a dentist’s chair. It was not by choice. It’s not like I have some weird hobby where I just plop down in random professionals’ chairs. At least, not anymore. Not since that actuary from Macon called the police. I’m still not sure what they do, but, man, they get abnormally upset when strangers sit in their chairs. While I really like my dentist and his staff, I loathe going to any dentist’s office. But I had no choice. No, my wife didn’t finally punch me in the mouth. She knows I bob and […]