Chris Johnson

Too bad that racist trainer wasn’t at a loss for words; I sure am

Too bad that racist trainer wasn’t at a loss for words; I sure am

I have a confession to make: I’m white. Whew! It feels good to get that off my chest. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you all the moves I learned from my “Learn to Breakdance” poster I had back in 1983. See, check this out: Watch me moonwalk. Check out this headspin. Now, the windmill! See, I told you. In fact, that last move wasn’t even a windmill — I was just dizzy from being way too heavy to do a headspin. Dadgum! I’m out of breath! Because I’m white, I can joke about white people in general. Jewish comedians […]

Am I banished from all the Wal-Marts or just the Americus one?

Am I banished from all the Wal-Marts or just the Americus one?

AMERICUS, Georgia — Just in case I show up on one of those “People of Wal-Mart” videos or something, allow me to explain myself. (I’ll be the guy not wearing pajamas, by the way.) My mom had her heart set on a little electric lawnmower that was available at a place called Wal-Mart. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Like most folks, I try to avoid that store as much as possible, but this little sucker was clearance-priced at $156. Even for an electric lawnmower that’s just a small step above toys like that kid’s mower that blows bubbles, that was […]

Radio Margaritaville confirms that, yes, I’m a Fruitcake

Radio Margaritaville confirms that, yes, I’m a Fruitcake

I have reached the pinnacle of existence for a slim-on-talent Parrot Head. I have become an official Fruitcake — as opposed to the unofficial fruitcake most folks have always believed me to be.  If you tune in to Radio Margaritaville on Thursday, April 6, at 10 a.m. EDT, you will hear me take it over for a bit as a “Fruitcake on the Radio.” You can hear the half-hour segment on SiriusXM Channel 24, Dish Network Music Channel 6031, or by clicking here for Radio Margaritaville’s free live stream. Radio Margaritaville averages more than 3 million weekly listeners. (The segment […]

Are they scared of drag queens, books or both?

Are they scared of drag queens, books or both?

When I got married on Key West’s Smather’s Beach back in 2012, the honeymoon opportunities were pretty endless. My preferred outing was a snorkeling excursion in which a catamaran dropped us off over a stunning coral reef. It was also the first time my wife tried to strangle me as she climbed upon my back with her arms around my neck when a 5-foot reef shark swam right in front of us. The first time your wife tries to kill you is always the most memorable, especially when it’s in such a beautiful tropical location.  Later, my wife got to […]

It was probably time to turn the page anyway

It was probably time to turn the page anyway

For the first time in nearly 34 years, since June of 1989, I am no longer employed by a newspaper. The editors said they do not believe my column fits with the direction they want to go, so my very part-time position has been eliminated. That’s certainly their prerogative, and we are parting ways on positive terms. I wish the Ledger-Enquirer well. Newspapers are struggling amid competition from online media and Americans’ growing preference for propaganda and bubble-thinking affirmation over information. Newspapers are the torch-bearers for local journalism. The smaller the community, the more it’s true. As more newspapers fade […]

Be nice to those grocery store workers!

Be nice to those grocery store workers!

My first real job was in 1986 at the C-Mart, an IGA grocery store in Oglethorpe, Georgia. I was paid $3.25 an hour — which seemed like a pretty decent wage when I typed that until I realized that I forgot to hold the shift key while trying to get that $ symbol, meaning that for a moment I was making a respectable 43.25. Actually, 43.25 an hour would have been more fair because to this day that’s probably the toughest job I’ve ever had. Fortunately, I was able to bridge the gap between the legal minimum wage in 1986 […]

Politicians’ latest game in D.C. is a pain in the ice

Politicians’ latest game in D.C. is a pain in the ice

Sorry to interrupt your “work” as you try to keep an eye on that pivotal March Madness first-round matchup between Grand Canyon University and Sewage Ditch Community College, but that’s hardly the biggest sports story of the month.  Nor did the biggest sports story come from the NFL Combine, where Southwest Mississippi guard Bubba Squashmeyer ran a 2:04.45, which would have set a new record had it been the New York City Marathon and not the 40-yard dash. Fortunately, he did set a new physical measurement mark with a 95-inch neck, breaking the record held for more than four decades […]

Positives from the pandemic — three years later

Positives from the pandemic — three years later

Exactly when and how Covid-19 first started is a mystery, but we’re making some definitive progress on figuring it out because in America job No. 1 in any situation is to find somebody to blame. Recent analyses by various U.S. government agencies have recently concluded with a low degree of 33 percent certainty that it maybe might have possibly started when a lab assistant at the Wuhan Lab in China picked up a flying fox bat and side of fries from the Wet Market Drive-Thru on his way home from work after meeting with visiting American immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci, […]