I’ve figured out how to capture Bigfoot!
You would think that after all these years of folks following Bigfoot, calling to him with official Bigfoot calls, beating on trees with sticks, making plaster of paris casts of his footprint and eating his beef jerky that someone would have indisputable proof that the big Sasquatch actually exists.
And, yes, I know that some Bigfoot expert is about to send me an angry email about how Bigfoot is really a vegetarian, so now they’re offended and I must apologize. Never! I have seen the Jack Links presentation where Bigfoot gets really angry when someone teases him with beef jerky and he goes all Will Smith on them. So, do your own darn research! He’s a meatasaurus!
Yet, the best we’ve been able to do is a couple of blurry, long-distance photographs and one vague documentary, “Harry and the Hendersons.” Not only can we not get a good photo of the guy, but we haven’t even found a Bigfoot carcass or a set of Bigfoot bones. No one’s ever hit him with a car — except for John Lithgow — and the Atlanta Falcons have yet to try to sign him as a free agent defensive end. And our pass rush was terrible last year!
It’s enough to make you think there might not really be a Bigfoot, a bunch of bigfoots or a whole collection of bigfeet. Could it be just furry figments of someone’s imagination?
Hardly! And, finally, I’ve figured out how to prove they exist!
I have come up with this plan by doing research on a platform of undeniable, scientific, data-driven, tested, proven facts called Facebook (pronounced face-book). By “doing research,” I mean I was on Facebook and just happened to see an intriguing event while scrolling past posts about George Santos’ winning the NBA’s slam-dunk competition and photos of my friends’ lunches. The event?
The Georgia Bigfoot Conference
Now, I haven’t had a chance to dive into all the details about this gathering coming up April 1 in Dillard, Georgia, but it seems to me that if all the Bigfoots are meeting at a conference right here in Georgia, we shouldn’t miss it. And we should bring our cameras. Maybe we could even do some podcasts, YouTube videos and get Jack Links to sponsor the whole thing.
This is our one chance to prove the existence of Bigfeet once and for all. They’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book — the “regularly scheduled meeting,” also known as the three most inefficient words in the entire American lexicon.
Granted, I need to do a little more research before I go, but there’s no way I’m missing the chance to have a sit-down with Bigfoot and get it on camera. Besides, tickets are just $15, which is in my price range. (Free to $17.50 is my official price range for almost everything.) I’ve already got a list of questions including “What’s your hair care routine?” “Is the Abominable Snowman racist?” and “What’s that smell?”
I admire the Bigfeet not just for being able to organize and publicize such an event but also for notching some pretty big speakers and special guests including — believe it or not — Billy Redden! Yes, THE Billy Redden — the banjo playing kid from the beginning of “Deliverance.”
So, I suggest we all converge on Dillard on April 1, a day associated with something else that I can’t recall at this time. There will be vendors, by the way, who I assume are collecting and then selling some of the Bigfeet.
“Hey, Mommy, I bought this Bigfoot at the conference. They said it was real, but there’s a zipper in the back.”
“Yikes! This isn’t Bigfoot. It’s George Santos!”
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