What if brand names accurately reflected the product?

Hello, and welcome to Reality Brands — the new superstore for all of your shopping needs. We don’t carry traditional brand names, but — even better — we carry brands that accurately reflect the items for sale. And we sell dang near everything. My name is Mr. Friendly because I work on commission.

Stereo systems? Hmm, we haven’t sold one of those in a while. A lot of bass, huh? Well, we do have this system here. As you can see it has the old school turntable and CD player with 100-watt speakers. It’s the DTP-3000x from NGH, Neighbors Gonna Hate.

Oh, you meant car stereo systems? My bad. Well check this out. We carry this 1,200-watt system that is sure to rattle windows of people who are trying to focus and shake your car until it falls apart. It’s the Please Notice Me 1200 XVG system. Now, if you need a little extra thump, I suggest adding this My Mommy Didn’t Pay Me Enough Attention As A Child woofer and the Neither Did Daddy subwoofer.

What kind of vehicle are you putting it in? No, you can’t put all that in a little Honda. You need to see our selection of rides here in the side parking lot. That giant truck over there with the 4-foot tires, train horn and extra loud engine and smoke-bellowing exhaust pipes is the Obviously Compensating For Something 450. Gets 4 miles to the gallon, which allows you to whine about gas prices while having the joy of contributing to the problem at the same time. Of course, if you’re more into expensive sports cars and status symbols, we just got in these two new beauties — the Receding Hairline 718 Turbo and the convertible Midlife Crisis 911.

Oh, going on vacation? And you need some reading material that is not offensive? Well, most of our books have been banned, but we do have these two books remaining — Kirk Cameron’s “Uplifting Tomato Soup for the Soul,” complete with a free DVD of his latest movie “The Religious Fireman Who Saved Christmas,” and Joel Osteen’s “How I Got Rich By Comforting You with Selective Passages from the Bible while Leaving Out the Inconvenient Rules and Beatitudes.”

Firearms? Well, of course we have ‘em. And let’s face it — if you’re going to be blasting horrible modern country or rap music out of those vehicles, you’re going to need to be armed for self-defense. But, hey, that’s your Second Amendment right as an American born into our nation’s well-regulated militia, and we celebrate that right every day here at Reality Brands.

We have this little beauty here that you can carry just about anywhere here in Georgia — the 9 mm from Paranoid Pistols. Oh, sure, we’ve got something bigger. This bad boy right here that dumb liberals call an automatic assault rifle is really just a semi-automatic peacemaker that accommodates 100-round magazines. Yep, you’ll feel plenty safe if you purchase this here Some Brown Folks Done Moved In Next Door 15.

While you’re thinking about it, can I get you something to drink from the vending machine? No, no Coke or Pepsi, but we do have Diabetes In A Can or Caffeine-Free Diabetes In A Can if you prefer. Or, I can run to the break room and grab you a bottle of 100 percent pure Gullible Springs bottled water.

On second thought, you might be sick instead of just dehydrated. You do have good health insurance, don’t you? If not, you can go over there and chat with one of our representatives from Legalized Extortion. Perhaps you’ve heard of their prescription drug plan — If They Advertise It On TV, You Can’t Afford It And We Ain’t Covering It. Great prices on generics, I hear.

On your way out, don’t miss the grocery section. Got all the basics like Yeah I Can Believe It’s Not Butter and The Constantly Shrinking Frozen Pizza. But it’s Sunday, so you’ve got to wait at least 15 more minutes before you grab a 12-pack of Bland Liquid With Alcohol In It. It’s on sale, but you’ll go to hell if you buy it before 12:30 p.m.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to clock out on the It Pays To Work Slow timeclock and do a little clothes shopping. My wardrobe could use a little updating, so I think I’ll try on some I’m Cheap And Don’t Care pants and a pair of Never Really Did shoes.

Thanks for stopping by!

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