Let’s be more than just neighbors, eh?

Much has been made of President Trump’s persistent and immature needling of America’s top ally, Canada, and his suggesting that our neighbors to the north could become our 51st state. 

It has led the world’s nicest folks booing our national anthem and — I hope this doesn’t alarm anyone — fights during a hockey match between Team USA and Team Canada at the 4 Nations Face-Off. Fights. During a hockey match. Right there on the ice! Who’d’ve thunk it?!

Of course, the U.S. anthem ain’t so great musically — not to mention it’s from Francis Scott Key’s gloating poem about repelling a British attack at Fort McHenry and thumbing America’s nose at the slaves who escaped American captors and fought with the Brits. Not that “Oh, Canada” is a great tune, either. Let’s face it: The only really decent anthem is the one for the great nation of Margaritaville.

But Trump might have a point on the U.S. and Canada being more than just neighbors. We need to take this relationship beyond being just friends. I just think he must have meant the inverse. Perhaps the USA should become Canada’s 11th province.

Why would Americans want to do this? Well, Canadians do live about four years longer than we do, likely a byproduct of having free quality healthcare or perhaps because their population is kept at a lower temperature. Canada also is generally cleaner, safer and friendlier than the USA.

Besides, our Secretary of Health has just been dying to scrape a moose off the road for dinner with his brain worm, so long as the moose hasn’t ingested any red dye No. 3. He ain’t crazy!

Why would Canada want to add us? Well, you Maple Leafers, we’ve got oil. In fact, during the Biden Administration, the USA produced more oil than at any other time in our country’s history — or as our right-wingers called it, “Biden’s War on Oil,” which makes it just the latest war that we’ve lost.

We also have beaches where you can soak up the sun and not swim in wetsuits. We also have given you such uniquely American gems as pickleball, Waffle House, Willie Nelson and heart disease.

And I know you might worry that we are too focused on DEI here, but most of the folks who are really concerned about it can’t even spell DEI. Besides, we are all about merit now. All you gotta do is look at Trump’s Cabinet — you can’t get more merit-y than that.

Now, we’re gonna need you Canadians to adjust a few things before the marriage. For instance, we don’t want you making our 11th province as cold as the other 10. We’re having Nunavut, ya hear! And with the Great Lakes no longer being shared by two countries, let’s face the fact that they’re really just Above-Average Lakes.

Most importantly, though, y’all gotta learn what bacon is. As the 11th province of Canada, we’ve gotta draw the line somewhere because y’all ain’t got a clue about that!