Category: Newspaper columns

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

S-O-N-G-S with spelling irk me

We rarely go to restaurants these days, but we were 10 minutes from home, hungry and it was too late for lunch but too early to begin grilling dinner. My wife suggested we stop for a quick snack at a fast-food restaurant. Never one to turn down grease congealed into round and square semi-edible items, I slung the car into the parking lot. “Great idea!” A few minutes later, we were sitting at a table with order 298 — a […]

Don’t eat their feet!

Don’t eat their feet!

Yesterday I spent nearly three hours in a dentist’s chair. It was not by choice. It’s not like I have some weird hobby where I just plop down in random professionals’ chairs. At least, not anymore. Not since that actuary from Macon called the police. I’m still not sure what they do, but, man, they get abnormally upset when strangers sit in their chairs. While I really like my dentist and his staff, I loathe going to any dentist’s office. […]

Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions. I’m a rebel like that. I’m more apt to make a spur-of-the-moment, March 12th resolution when I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and think, “Dang! I need to lose one or two or 25 pounds. I think I’ll resolve to do that.” “You said the same thing last week,” my wife will say. “That’s fake news! Last week I resolved to lose one or two or 20 […]

“Star Wars” allegedly comes to the end of its galactic run

“Star Wars” allegedly comes to the end of its galactic run

When I was a kid, a film came out that changed the movie landscape forever — “The Godfather.” I was only 2 years old back then, so I thought it was a bit violent compared to “Sesame Street” and that Michael Corleone’s nearly instant mowing down of every other mob boss after his father’s death was a little too easy and simplistic. I gave it one tiny thumb’s up and one sideways. Five years later, another film came out that […]

Flashback column: “America will sing again” (September 2001)

Flashback column: “America will sing again” (September 2001)

(Note: This is the column I wrote back in 2001 after the 9/11 attacks. It’s also in “The Best of Chris Johnson, Volume I,” available at this link.) It’s so easy to lose perspective in this life. I spent Monday getting my wisdom teeth cut out and then spent about five hours that night at the emergency room after an unexplained fainting spell. I didn’t care, because I was more worried about my stepmother, who was in surgery that day […]

Going hot and heavy into the redneck romance novel business

Going hot and heavy into the redneck romance novel business

Some folks think that the reason Americans seem to get collectively stupider each year is that they read less and less. I, however, suspect it has more to do with decaffeinated coffee. People, though, are still reading. Most kids are excited about reading until you hand them a dull textbook and kill their interest in words forever. Folks read posts on Facebook with titles like, “11 Different Uses for Used Toothpicks” or “Which Little Rascal Are You?” (I’m Spanky.) And, […]

I’ll be perfectly happy as an old man in an old truck

I’ll be perfectly happy as an old man in an old truck

This past weekend my wife and I broke down and traded in her cool little car for a big ol’ SUV with a third-row seat. We’ve got a couple of grandkids now, and we needed a better place to transport them than the luggage rack, which tends to make police all talkative and nosy at traffic stops. It’s not a new car, but it’s new to us. It comes with all kinds of fancy technology that my wife is learning […]

I’ll have a cup of Bacon without the Carly Rae Jepsen, please

I’ll have a cup of Bacon without the Carly Rae Jepsen, please

I love the sport of baseball, even though I kinda gave up on the Braves after 40 years of loving them when they abandoned a perfectly good ballpark for a taxpayer fleecing in Cobb County. I tried to replace them with the Chicago Cubs, but it didn’t work. I like the Cubs. I just don’t love them. I grew up with about 13 channels, one of them TBS that showed the Braves all the time, and the other WGN that […]