• Category: Newspaper columns

    Politicians’ latest game in D.C. is a pain in the ice

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    Politicians’ latest game in D.C. is a pain in the ice

    Sorry to interrupt your “work” as you try to keep an eye on that pivotal March Madness first-round matchup between Grand Canyon University and Sewage Ditch Community College, but that’s hardly the biggest sports story of the month.  Nor did the biggest sports story come from the NFL Combine, where Southwest Mississippi guard Bubba Squashmeyer ran a 2:04.45, which would have set a new record had it been the New York City Marathon and not the 40-yard dash. Fortunately, he did set a new physical measurement mark with a 95-inch neck, breaking the record held for more than four decades […]

    Positives from the pandemic — three years later

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    Positives from the pandemic — three years later

    Exactly when and how Covid-19 first started is a mystery, but we’re making some definitive progress on figuring it out because in America job No. 1 in any situation is to find somebody to blame. Recent analyses by various U.S. government agencies have recently concluded with a low degree of 33 percent certainty that it maybe might have possibly started when a lab assistant at the Wuhan Lab in China picked up a flying fox bat and side of fries from the Wet Market Drive-Thru on his way home from work after meeting with visiting American immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci, […]

    2023: The Year in Preview

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    2023: The Year in Preview

    It’s that time of year again when folks begin coming up to me on the street, in the grocery store, wherever I may be to ask, “Oh, great sage and foreseer of the future, when might you bless us with your annual peek into the year ahead?” To which, I’ll give my standard reply to anyone who attempts to talk to me: “Sorry, I don’t visit.” Alas, that time has come. I’ll now give you some of the key moments in 2023 while, of course, not spoiling all of the surprises. After all, wouldn’t you rather be surprised when the […]

    Don’t be a drag, Lil’ Snowflake

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    Don’t be a drag, Lil’ Snowflake

    Photo: At least Milton Berle and Bob Hope had the decency to not read books. Today I’d like to talk about Lil Nas X. If it seems a little quiet here, that’s because all the racists just quit reading after the word “Lil,” and all the homophobes left after the word “Nas.” And anybody who likes decent music left after the “X.” The only reason I’m still here is because I’m getting paid big-time money to write it. And the only reason you’re still here is because your computer froze up and no matter how many times you click the […]

    In 2033, I land an exclusive interview with our favorite expatriated American

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    In 2033, I land an exclusive interview with our favorite expatriated American

    When you’re a part-time newspaper columnist like me, one of the advantages is the untold riches those 25 minutes of weekly work brings and the capacity to buy anything you want. I bought a time machine. Sure, I could go back in time and kill baby Hitler or go forward to get next week’s lottery numbers, but, again, I am already filthy rich — not rich enough to buy (or maybe not) Twitter but enough to buy (or maybe not) Parler. I’d let you borrow my time machine, but it’s a stick shift, and the air-conditioner doesn’t work. (Again, just […]

    2021: The Year in Preview

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    2021: The Year in Preview

    I’ve been doing my Year in Preview for a long time. Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean. Higher than any bird ever flew. Wait. Sorry. I’ve got some song stuck in my head. Damn you, Dan Fogelberg! That was the problem with 2020. I got COVID, and brain fog is one of the after-effects. Worse than that, I didn’t see it coming in my 2020 Year in Preview, the first one I’ve ever gotten even 1 percent wrong. That means that I’ve got to get my 2021 predictions absolutely perfect this time. I’ve got to improve my average […]

    2020: The Year in Preview

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    2020: The Year in Preview

    When most folks make predictions, they are merely guessing. But when I make predictions — especially about something as important and as annual as my Year in Preview — know that I am not merely guessing. Puh-leeze! I’m no amateur here. I’m guessing and throwing two tennis balls against a wall, each ball with a prediction about a topic of major importance. Then I send ol’ Blue here, a hound dog with the ability to foretell the future, to chase the balls. Whichever one he pees on is the prediction I announce. By the time I get around to predicting […]

    Prince: Another legend I’m glad I witnessed

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    Prince: Another legend I’m glad I witnessed

    My parents saw him as the purple pervert. Critics lauded him as a groundbreaking genius. His peers either loved him or were insanely jealous (Rick James). But I just loved the music. I finally got to see Prince live in Atlanta about 10 years ago, and it remains the best concert I’ve ever seen. I figured a legend like that could kinda mail it in, but he went above and beyond with a show that lasted more than two hours. And when the entire band disappeared into the stage for intermission, Prince re-emerged by himself with an acoustic guitar and performed […]

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