The Kudzu Kronicle

Because not all Southerners are the same

Category: Newspaper columns (page 1 of 3)

Larry David and I agree on a few things — especially small talk

One of my former bosses at the Ledger-Enquirer — whom I, with fond affection, called “Pork Chop” — kept trying to get me to watch some HBO show called “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” At the time, I didn’t even have HBO and barely watched any TV that wasn’t sports or news.  (Yes, kids, there was a time when there were news channels that told you what was happening in the world instead of offering perpetual punditry.)

I declined, but Pork Chop insisted: “No, you don’t understand! This guy is you! You have to see it.”

“The bald Jewish millionaire behind ‘Seinfeld’ is just like me, huh? Yeah sure.”

But Pork Chop and her husband finally brought in a stack of DVDs from the first few seasons of the show, and, sure enough, he was in many, many ways … me. Although, at the time, I had way better hair. Now, we’re getting more similar on that battle front, as well.

Larry and I agree on many issues — such as pretentiousness, politics, social norms, societal obligations, golf, political correctness, etc. And we definitely agree on avoiding small talk, which is the subject of this week’s column in the Ledger-Enquirer, linked below.

This week’s column in the Ledger-Enquirer

Deport Michael Williams back to Trumptopia

There’s no shortage of disgusting candidates running for the GOP gubernatorial nomination in Georgia, but Michael Williams just might be the worst with his Deportation Bus. Granted, illegal immigration is a yuge issue in this state, ranking only slightly behind gnats seeking to unionize.

I’m all for strong borders and ensuring that only citizens can vote. However, I have a problem with those whose immigration stances all seem to stem from one thought — I hate brown people. Worse than that are the people like Michael Brown who pander to those who hate brown people.

Today’s column in the Ledger-Enquirer is about the racist lawyer up in New York City who snapped when he heard Spanish being spoken at a Fresh Market there.  I know he’s a Trump fan, and I suspect he’d love to drive Michael Williams’ Deportation Bus.

At least today will mark the end of Williams’ gubernatorial run, and we can get back to pandering to right-wing Georgians’ other backward views on religious liberty, LGBT issues, gun control and shifting state revenue production to the backs of the poor while coddling the rich.

GOP gubernatorial candidates agree on 1 thing: changing Georgia’s motto to “Yeehaw!”

If you’ve seen Republican Brian Kemp’s latest ads in the gubernatorial primary race here in Georgia, it’s hard to tell if they are real or a “Saturday Night Live” sketch.  Meanwhile, front-runner Casey Cagle is constantly reminding folks how much he loves President Trump. In fact, he loves him so much, I’m afraid one of his ads might appear on my Direct TV’s naughty channels.

I’m used to both Democrats and Republicans pandering to their bases during primary season, only to have to walk everything back when the general election rolls around. But these Republicans are so over the top with their pandering to the lowest common denominators in their bases that it will be impossible to walk it all back.

And with just over a week to go before the official primary vote — although a July 24 runoff seems likely — they are doubling down on the comedy. Fortunately, I was able to get my hands on an exclusive copy of their latest gubernatorial debate, and the Ledger-Enquirer decided to publish it online today — a day ahead of its usual run date.

It’s sure to make my conservative friends very happy.

read it in the ledger-enquirer here

Continue reading

Y’all should never call

I’m not a huge fan of being around humans. I’ve probably mentioned it before. I mean, as a mammal, they are highly overrated. In fact, I just spent this past Saturday on Georgia’s largest barrier island, Cumberland Island, which allows only about 250 or so folks on it a day — or as I like to call it when I’m there, about 248 too many.

I don’t like small talk. I don’t want to talk about the weather. I don’t like to hear your opinions on the game last night. I certainly don’t want to talk about politics, especially when I’m the only one who’s right. Discussing politics with someone whose politics are wrong just means you have to wait until they finish their incredibly idiotic point so that you can rebut it with common sense and facts, which means they just start talking again on a completely new idiotic line of reasoning — or lack thereof.

Many times I’ve seen someone I know a block ahead on the sidewalk or on another aisle of the store and immediately go into CIA covert mode, ducking behind shrubs and clothing racks like I’m a fugitive from the law.

“Who is that?” my wife will ask, figuring the gig is finally up.

“It’s someone I know, and they might want to talk. Ditch the buggy! Let’s get out of here!” Continue reading

The eyes have it — and whatever it is needs fixing

My wife and I passed an optometrist’s office yesterday, and she used the opportunity to suggest I might need to consider updating my prescription — which I’ve had roughly since Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals while trying to read what he wrote in Poor Richard’s Almanack during a thunderstorm.

“We need to go by there and get you some new glasses and contacts,” she suggested.

“I can’t see that happening,” I argued.

“You can’t see anything — that’s why you need to go to the eye doctor!”

My wife likes to send me to doctors, but the last time she sent me to a doctor, they put me in a hospital, Roto-Rootered an artery in my heart and gave me a bill that looked like the budget for a small Central American nation. Dying would have been more economical, and my insurance company probably agrees as they have me on the Bronze Please Die Already Plan for a mere $1,184 a month. Continue reading

I doubt Harry and Meghan need a toaster

When I was in junior high school, Prince Charles married Diana Spencer, and every girl at my school was swooning over the whole marrying-a-prince fantasy. Every boy at my school only cared about not being last to the monkey bars at recess and therefore being “it” first in a 10-minute game of tag.

Not only did I not care about that wedding or any wedding at that age, but I couldn’t figure out why any country still had royalty or bowed down to other humans. In fact, I still think it’s a little crazy to consider another human being royalty.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I got my royal invitation last week for the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I’m probably gonna skip it because I hate getting dressed up in anything that doesn’t go with flip-flops. Continue reading

No one can read what I write

Last week I watched an excellent — if a couple hours too long — two-part HBO special called “The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling.” It was produced and directed by Judd Apatow, who considered Shandling his mentor.

The show took a deep look at one of the greatest comedic minds of our time by mixing in clips and interviews amid short handwritten musings from Shandling’s diaries. As the handwriting would appear, I was struck by how much pain this guy, like so many comedians went though. I was struck by how insightful he was. And I thought to myself, “Wow, he has really nice handwriting!”

To be fair, everyone has nicer handwriting than I do. Over the years I’ve seen folks put paintbrushes in the trunks of elephants or have monkeys do paintings, and I’m pretty sure their signatures on the works look far better than mine. My signature is just two words, yet you can’t actually read it. You can make out the “C” at the beginning, but after that it’s looks like I passed out shortly after starting the “h” and suffered a concussion long before I got to starting the “J” — although I try to scribble it similarly each time so that it’s semi-official. Continue reading

Trump should go all-in on this whole TV administration thing

Lately, President Trump has taken a lot of heat for turning to television for people to fill posts throughout his administration. Of course, that’s simply going to make him even more intent upon doing exactly that.

I say the president should double-down on this whole television administration thing. I know he’d like to basically employ all of Fox News, but I think that is far too limiting, and they make a lot more money scaring old white folks in primetime than they could all day in government. He should reach beyond punditry channels, news networks and reality TV. He should give some strong consideration to fictional TV characters.

For instance, I think Archie Bunker would make a great press secretary. Trump obviously does not care about political correctness, and Archie Bunker does not seem to be too fond of it, either. I would love to hear Archie take questions from all those Meatheads in the briefing room. “Geez Louise, Sciutto! Ain’t you got a question that’s got nuttin’ to do with what Trump done Tweetbooked on the pot this morning?” Continue reading

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