Category: Newspaper columns

If M&Ms turn you on, you might have a problem

If M&Ms turn you on, you might have a problem

When I saw that the terms “Tucker Carlson” and “M&Ms” were trending on social media, I thought that these should be two very entertaining stories worth checking out. Wrong.  It was ONE story — yes, about Tucker Carlson and M&Ms. Apparently, this has been a controversy for a while. However, as an admittedly unhip and out-of-the-loop guy, I didn’t know that M&Ms had become the worst abomination in America since Gov. Ron DeSantis went after Mickey Mouse upon realizing Donald Duck wasn’t wearing pants. Granted, it’s been years since I’ve paid attention to Tucker, probably not since his Pee-Wee Herman […]

I’ve learned my lesson about poking fun at astrology

I’ve learned my lesson about poking fun at astrology

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article basically making fun of something called “Mercury retrograde,” which is when the planet Mercury appears to be going backward in the sky. It’s an optical illusion, but folks who believe in astrology and such think this is a bad thing and can throw off all kinds of communication, including causing issues with technology and computers and such. My snarky implication was that it was all a bunch of ridiculous bunk. The morning that article appeared, my website went down. Then another website I run for a nonprofit went down. Then planes […]

How much is being cheap worth to you?

How much is being cheap worth to you?

More than once — OK, roughly 3,459 times or so — I’ve been accused of being cheap, a tightwad, skinflint and miser. I prefer the word frugal, but family and friends prefer the word cheap. They believe I might find that more insulting and change my frugal ways. Nah, I’m good. This can occasionally be a source of tension in my house. For instance, I think it’s discriminatory to only want jewelry that’s gold or platinum when other metals like aluminum and stainless steel are perfectly acceptable alternatives. In fact, my wedding ring is silicone because the old silver one […]

Warning: Mercury retrograde continues through Jan. 18

Warning: Mercury retrograde continues through Jan. 18

We were about to leave a birthday party last week when someone made an announcement to the whole room that meant absolutely nothing to me. “Y’all  know Mercury’s in retrograde, right?” She might as well have said, “Osturinn minn er tölva sem fer á hestbak.” That, as we all know, means, “My cheese is a computer that rides horses” in Icelandic and makes absolutely as much sense to me as “Mercury’s in retrograde.” However, another person gasped and cried, “Oh no!” as if that person had just said “Dráps smástirni mun lenda á jörðinni eftir 20 mínútur,” which in Icelandic, […]

Sometimes you just gotta tell folks what you’re up to

Sometimes you just gotta tell folks what you’re up to

I’ve been an introvert for a long time. Even when I was in the womb, folks would pat my mother’s belly and say things like, “Hey, how are you doing? Can’t wait to meet you!” To which I’d reply, “Sorry, I don’t visit.” (In Morse code, of course. Don’t be ridiculous. Fetuses can’t speak English. French, yes, but not English.) Unfortunately, some degree of communication with other members of this species is part of this underpaid job of being a human being. Heck, I’m in the communication business, although my preferred level of communication is along the lines of, “Here, […]

2023: The Year in Preview

2023: The Year in Preview

It’s that time of year again when folks begin coming up to me on the street, in the grocery store, wherever I may be to ask, “Oh, great sage and foreseer of the future, when might you bless us with your annual peek into the year ahead?” To which, I’ll give my standard reply to anyone who attempts to talk to me: “Sorry, I don’t visit.” Alas, that time has come. I’ll now give you some of the key moments in 2023 while, of course, not spoiling all of the surprises. After all, wouldn’t you rather be surprised when the […]

Just in time for Christmas — trading cards!

Just in time for Christmas — trading cards!

The last time Donald Trump teased a “major announcement,” he declared his intention to become the first person to lose the presidential popular vote three straight times. Establishment Republicans winced, Democrats cheered, and MAGA nation fired their AR-15s into the air before falling asleep 45 minutes into the announcement. So, when Trump teased last week that he had another “major announcement,” I was pretty darn excited. With most presidential preference polls showing both Trump and Biden well behind everyone from Ron DeSantis to Pete Buttigieg to “bucket of hamster vomit,” I figured it would be something major indeed to stir […]

When the dream cloud stole the beach

When the dream cloud stole the beach

“We have a drought for four months without a drop of rain, and then we go to the beach for Thanksgiving, and it rains!! Are you kidding me? We haven’t seen the sun in three days!” And that’s my wife’s weather report from Saint Simons Island for Beachgiving 2022. Now, to Bill with the sports update. As with so many weather reports, I take issue with this report. While the sun did not make a single appearance during our latest Beachgiving trip, it wasn’t exactly a monsoon. It was more perpetual cloudiness interrupted by periods of mist, sprinkles, fog, drizzle […]