Category: Newspaper columns

Going hot and heavy into the redneck romance novel business

Going hot and heavy into the redneck romance novel business

Some folks think that the reason Americans seem to get collectively stupider each year is that they read less and less. I, however, suspect it has more to do with decaffeinated coffee. People, though, are still reading. Most kids are excited about reading until you hand them a dull textbook and kill their interest in words forever. Folks read posts on Facebook with titles like, “11 Different Uses for Used Toothpicks” or “Which Little Rascal Are You?” (I’m Spanky.) And, on a beach somewhere, there’s a lady named Bertha wearing a blue muumuu and reading a torrid romance novel. “Why […]

I’ll be perfectly happy as an old man in an old truck

I’ll be perfectly happy as an old man in an old truck

This past weekend my wife and I broke down and traded in her cool little car for a big ol’ SUV with a third-row seat. We’ve got a couple of grandkids now, and we needed a better place to transport them than the luggage rack, which tends to make police all talkative and nosy at traffic stops. It’s not a new car, but it’s new to us. It comes with all kinds of fancy technology that my wife is learning how to use because she’s the primary driver. I’ll learn no more than I have to — mainly how to […]

I’ll have a cup of Bacon without the Carly Rae Jepsen, please

I’ll have a cup of Bacon without the Carly Rae Jepsen, please

I love the sport of baseball, even though I kinda gave up on the Braves after 40 years of loving them when they abandoned a perfectly good ballpark for a taxpayer fleecing in Cobb County. I tried to replace them with the Chicago Cubs, but it didn’t work. I like the Cubs. I just don’t love them. I grew up with about 13 channels, one of them TBS that showed the Braves all the time, and the other WGN that showed the Cubs. I mistakenly thought that commonality would allow me to make a seamless transition, but no. Maybe the […]

I came for lunch, not a staring contest

I came for lunch, not a staring contest

I have many pet peeves when it comes to restaurants. I don’t like to eat in a place so dark that you have to use a flashlight to read the menu. I don’t like loud restaurants with bad music or acoustics that carry every conversation through the whole place. I loathe a restaurant telling me what sides come with an entree instead of letting me choose. And I especially hate paying more to get less. I have a theory that the more exclusive and pricey a place it, the less food they put on your plate. It becomes mostly parsley […]

Honey, I shrunk the town

Honey, I shrunk the town

A recent report from the U.S. Census Bureau estimates that a third of Georgia’s small towns — it considers “small” any community under 10,000 — lost population in the past year. I don’t really have a reason to question the report, although I don’t know exactly how the Bureau goes about its estimating business in such a matter. “Hey, Larry, does it seem to you that Roopville just ain’t the bustling place it once was?” “Indeed, Sally. I estimate they’ve lost a little population in the last year or so. They’re probably down to an estimated 223 folks seeing as […]

Why I’m feeling old and slow

Why I’m feeling old and slow

I don’t think it’s an over-generalization to say there are two basic kinds of people in America. No, not Republicans and Democrats. No, not Coke vs. Pepsi drinkers. And, no, not people who like to vacation at the beach and people who like to vacation in the mountains, the latter also known as wrong people. Americans can be divided into two main groups — folks whose favorite TV game show is “Jeopardy” and folks who prefer extremely slow shows like “Wheel of Fortune,” “Family Feud” or “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” After decades of watching the rapid-fire pace of […]

Sometimes, resolutions are for the Dawgs

Sometimes, resolutions are for the Dawgs

Every year, I make a few New Year’s resolutions. I don’t usually make them public because the last thing I need in my life is someone holding me accountable to what I say or write. It’d be like if President Trump said something like, “We’re gonna build a big, beautiful wall, and Mexico is gonna pay for it,” and his supporters actually held him to it. No, I can’t handle accountability any more than he can. Unfortunately, I can’t blame everybody else — Democrats, the fake news, the Fed, Rosie O’Donnell — for my failures. If I make a resolution, […]

Debriefing Santa Claus

Debriefing Santa Claus

Today we celebrate Christmas Day — or Jimmy Buffett’s birthday if you’re more into being a Parrothead than into religion. Better yet, throw on a tropical shirt, put on that “A1A” album and open some presents. After all, the jolly old elf Santa Claus put a lot of work into circumnavigating the Earth last night in search of good little boys and girls to leave presents under the tree. Unfortunately, Santa is an unusually foul mood today. I caught up with him for a little interview about how the night went and plans for next Christmas. Me: Merry Christmas, Santa! […]