Welcome to the November assembly of the Capitol Middle School Student Government Association. My name is Mr. Johnson, and as part of my probation, I’ve been ordered to guide you the rest of this year. It was either that or clean the orangutan area at Zoo Atlanta, so please don’t make me regret my decision. Yes, Marjorie?
MARJORIE: I just wanted to …
ME: Um, please stand up when addressing everyone.
MARJORIE: I am!
ME: Oh, OK. Proceed.
MARJORIE: I have it on good authority — or as we say in my neighborhood, I seen it on them interwebs — that those so-called security cameras in each classroom are actually Jewish laser guns operated by communist libtards, and I’m filing a motion to have them removed and the head of middle school security impeached.
ME: Marjorie, I assure you those are cameras. In fact, we’ve been reviewing footage from the past week, and some of it is X-rated. Speaking of which, Lauren, I’m going to have you move your desk further away from Eddie. Um, raise your hand if you have a problem with that, missy. No, I said your hand, not just one finger. Wait, where’s your other hand? OK, now move away from Billy, too.
MARJORIE: Well, then I’d like to impeach the vice principal.
ME: That position is unfilled at the moment.
MARJORIE: Ain’t there somebody I can impeach? What’s the point of being in student government? I can’t go back to civilian life and harassing school shooting survivors.
ME: No. OK, Rashida. What do you need?
RASHIDA: From the cafeteria to room 23, the sixth-grade hall must be free.
ME: That used to be the sixth-grade hall, but you know that’s the eighth-grade hall now. Next, uh, two-named kid, um, oh yeah, Markwayne. Do you have a suggestion?
MARKWAYNE: I suggest we eliminate free lunch for the poors and use the money to buy some monkey bars on the playground.
MARKWAYNE: So I can beat up Sean at recess.
MARKWAYNE: He wrote a mean tweet about me in elementary school, and I’m gonna beat his ugly butt! Or we can do it right now!
SEAN: Fine with me!
MARKWAYNE: I’m an MMA expert!
SEAN: You can’t even spell MMA!
ME: Bernie, can you handle this please?
BERNIE: You are a sitting middle school senator! Sit down and shut up!
ME: Thank you.
ME: What now?
TIM: Kevin just elbowed me for no reason — right in the kidney!
KEVIN: Did not! It was the liver.
ME: Geez. Now what? Donny, you can’t come in here. You lost the election.
DONNY: Only because they used math … illegally. When I’m back in power, we will purge the deep school and rid the cafeteria of vermin.
ME: There are rats in the cafeteria?
DONNY: No, I mean those ladies serving the food who can’t speak English. They’re terrorists and carrying diseases.
ME: Speaking of carrying things around, you’ve got something stuck on your backside. Turn around. Matty! Let Donny go! You’re gonna leave suction marks!
JOEY: I just wanted to say that if I’m re-elected, I’ll get rid of the Tickety-Tock and replace it with one of those appy-things that helps you remember stuff.
ME: What’s it called?
JOEY: What’s what called?
ME: Aren’t you a little old for the middle school government? I mean, you and my dad were in first grade together. What grade are you in now?
JOEY: The 81st, I think.
ME: Yes, little Jimmy Comer?
JIMMY: Jared looks like a Smurf!
ME: Now, that’s just not smurfy, uh, I mean nice. Yes, Smurfette, uh, I mean Marjorie. What?
MARJORIE: Jared’s turning blue! He is a Smurf!
ME: Oh my gosh, he’s choking and can’t breathe.
GEORGE: Don’t worry! I’ve got this. I’m a doctor!
ME: You’re 12!
GEORGE: I learned CPR when my Cub Scout troop invaded Cuba!
ME: Hush! Somebody, quick, call 9-1-1!
TOMMY: Will do! What’s the number?