Politicians’ latest game in D.C. is a pain in the ice
Sorry to interrupt your “work” as you try to keep an eye on that pivotal March Madness first-round matchup between Grand Canyon University and Sewage Ditch Community College, but that’s hardly the biggest sports story of the month.
Nor did the biggest sports story come from the NFL Combine, where Southwest Mississippi guard Bubba Squashmeyer ran a 2:04.45, which would have set a new record had it been the New York City Marathon and not the 40-yard dash. Fortunately, he did set a new physical measurement mark with a 95-inch neck, breaking the record held for more than four decades by Tennessee Highlands defensive lineman Jabba Dahutt.
The biggest sports story this month actually came from the world of ice hockey. It was the annual Congressional Hockey Challenge, a charity event in Washington, D.C. that pits Lawmakers vs. Lobbyists. The lawmakers won 8-3.
There’s a major problem with this event, however, that must be addressed. Not only did the Lawmakers have only one actual lawmaker on the team (Rep. Tom Emmer, R-Minn., a former hockey coach), but they also had a couple of ringers — Olympians from the U.S. Women’s National Team. The Lobbyists had a ringer or two, as well, but there were plenty of actual lobbyists playing the game.
Usually when lawmakers and lobbyists play games, the losers are the American people, but in this case it’s hockey fans. We deserve a real political hockey game. In fact, it’s not fair to have lobbyists play at all because you know the lawmakers’ goalie is going to glove everything a lobbyist shoots their way. We need a Congressional Hockey Challenge that is more like the Congressional Baseball Game — Democrats vs. Republicans — but with less gunfire. Because fewer lawmakers play hockey, we’re going to need both the U.S. House and Senate to participate. I imagine it might go something like this …
Hello, hockey fans. Sean Hannity here with Fox News’ unbiased and exclusive — or is it, hmm — play-by-play coverage of the Congressional Hockey Game between the Republican America-Savers and the Democratic Wokesters.
Time for the face-off between Paul Gosar and AOC. The GOP secures the puck as Gosar slashes AOC’s right arm clean off, which he tells the referee was just a joke. They’ll be allowed to skate around the arm until there is a stoppage in play.
Now it’s intercepted by Bernie Sanders, who is racing up the left side — way left. He’s crashing into the boards all by himself. He’s looking for a Democrat to pass to, but they’re insisting he first pass it to a trans black woman of Asian descent. They are now staging a sit-in until one is found. Let’s go to a commercial. “Hi, I’m Mike Lindell …”
And we’re back! GOP center George Santos has the puck now. He’s clearly the most prolific player on the ice as the NHL’s 2014 Hart Memorial MVP Trophy winner and the 2017 champion of RuPaul’s Drag Race. But he is clobbered on a cross-check by teammate Mitt Romney. That’s going to be a penalty. Let’s go to another commercial. “Hi, I’m Kirk Cameron. Do you have persistent itching from unconstitutional high gas prices and can’t get a double-reverse mortgage, then visit us at Jesus’ Gun Shop and invest in gold …”
And we’re back for the exciting finish, brought to you by Dominion Voting Machines. The GOP throws in their ringer, a Russian, Vee Pootin. He’s on a breakaway flanked by his favorite teammates, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz, a formidable duo of idiots. But Gaetz falls down as the Democrats’ top defender Elizabeth Warren points out the G.W. Middle School cheerleading team is in the arena, while Greene is spinning around and distracted by a prize blimp floating over the ice. She’s saying something. Let’s listen in.
“It’s Chinese! Shoot it down, Joe! Shoot it down, Joe!” BLAM! “Why’d you shoot it down?! That could be dangerous!”
“That wasn’t Joe! That was me, Granny Boebert!”
And that’s how it ends. The Dems somehow won 8-6 despite not scoring a single goal that I noticed. Let’s ask the GOP coach, Donald Trump, what happened.
“I just need you to find me three more goals.”
You moron.
“What’s that, Sean? You’re mumbling.”
I said you’re a genius, sir! Great coaching!
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