Sorry, Grandma, but, you know, the economy

(Photo: Remember “Logan’s Run,” where they were secretly killing off folks when they reached age 30?)

I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but I’ve heard plenty of them over the years — the moon landing was staged, JFK was not killed by a single bullet, Obama is a Muslim born in Kenya, Melania has a body double, Bert and Ernie of “Sesame Street” are gay, etc.

Then again, maybe I’ve never been much for conspiracy theories because I’m not much for following other people’s leads. There are a lot of natural-born followers out there — that’s how cults get started and some seemingly crazy leaders rise to power. I’m just not the following type, and I’m certainly not going to latch on to some crazy conspiracy theory.

However, it might be different if I started my own conspiracy theory. Yeah, that’s the ticket. So, I’m going to come up with one of my own. Y’all run with this:

COVID-19 IS A U.S. GOVERNMENT PLOT TO THIN THE HERD OF OUR ELDERLY! (Please repeat it often and speak it bold and italicized to emphasize its accuracy and urgency!)

Think about it. The U.S. government spends a lot of money on that socialist Medicare program. Health care costs are generally higher for seniors. Seniors are collecting all that socialist Social Security. Just imagine the further tax cuts we could provide to the wealthy and corporations if we didn’t have to spend money on all that.

“But, wait,” you say. Yes you did; I heard it. “Didn’t this start in the Hubei Province of China?” That’s what they want you to think! They want you to think that some Chinese person, probably Yao Ming, chewed on a bat — not like a Louisville Slugger but a flying mammal that turns into Dracula kind of bat — and started this whole mess. But, no. Hubei was merely the testing ground for this. The CDC (Covert Disease Creation) created this virus, inserted into an American lady named Gladys and set her loose in Wuhan on a “vacation” where she, coincidentally, posed for a selfie with Yao Ming.

Though there has been a lot of collateral damage to younger folks who are not “seniors,” the virus clearly impacts seniors more than anyone else. Although, it also is bad on folks with pre-existing conditions, which health insurance companies might consider a bonus since they see those folks as too costly. That way, the GOP can continue to say “We will always cover pre-existing conditions” despite having absolutely no plan how to do that. This way, they’ll kinda not be lying because there won’t be any pre-existing conditions to cover! Genius!

I’ve heard from younger folks that they’re not too worried about COVID-19 because the people it kills tend to be older. In other words, “Grandma’s nice and all, but, you know, the economy.” No wait, that was the Texas Lieutenant Governor and half the anchors on Fox News who say that.

“But, wait,” you say, again, annoyingly. “Aren’t a lot of the people calling these shots in D.C. ‘seniors’ themselves, including the president?” Duh, that’s why they got a volunteer, Sen. Rand Paul, to nurture the disease in his body, leading to a vaccine that will only be given to rich and powerful seniors, especially those in government.

“And isn’t this wrecking the economy and the Dow?” you ask. Wow, you are so gullible! This way, the corporations can get their hands on more no-strings-attached bailout funds like they did 12 years ago and go right back to stock buybacks, executive bonuses, tax dodging, and counter-intuitively stepping on the backs of the very 90 percent of consumers who made them rich. And I suspect 12 years from now, there will be another reason for them to cry for socialism to bail out unfettered capitalism yet again.

I’m not technically a “senior” but I am getting up there in age. I’m 49, so I don’t even know if make the cut for survival. Heck, in “Logan’s Run,” (pictured atop this article) they were thinning folks out when they hit age 30. While my wife and I were escaping our quarantine for a quick neighborhood walk last week, a helicopter appeared on the horizon and I just know the pilot was radioing in, saying, “I’ve got two potential age 40-plussers at 2 o’clock with a clear shot! Awaiting orders to open fire!”

I’m not saying that they were definitely going to take us out, but when I waved my Tide Pod in the air and yelled “YOLO!” to convince them I was young and spry, they kept on going and spared our lives. Hmm.

I knew it!

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