In “Rainy Day Women No. 12 and 35,” Bob Dylan famously sang that “everybody must get stoned.” After careful analysis of the song, I’ve determined that the point Mr. Dylan — one of the greatest songwriters in history and by far the best songwriter who also sounds like Buckwheat when he was “Wookin’ Pa Nub” in all the wrong places — was trying to make is that everybody, everybody, must get stoned.
But not cows. He couldn’t have possibly meant cows. However, in a shocking new development sure to anger old while men who still think the drug war actually works, cows have indeed been getting stoned.
German scientists — fresh off of their most recent experiments with baking soda and 2-liter bottles of Coca-Cola — recently conducted experiments in which they fed cows hemp, allegedly studying whether hemp could possibly be used as a cheaper and easier-to-produce animal feed alternative. I say “allegedly” because I suspect it’s more akin to the way a couple of idiot teenagers might come up with the experiment of giving their dog beer instead of water just to see what would happen. (Not that I would have any experience in such tomfoolery myself.)
While no human could consume enough hemp to get high, the cows are pretty good at packing away high volumes of stuff. And the udderly predictable result was that the cows’ milk contained significant levels of THC, the stuff that gets you high.
Now before all of you Shaggies grab your great dane that you think speaks English and race off in the Mystery Machine down to the Publix on an emergency milk run, it is unknown whether the THC in the milk would translate and get a human high the same way it might when smoking a joint or something.
I know, “ruh-roh!”
All that hemp eating sure enough got the cows stoned, though. They apparently got wobbly, yawned a lot, had reddened eyes and demonstrated “pronounced tongue play” like an extremely relaxed Gene Simmons from KISS, I guess.
Now, the last thing I want to do is make light of a bovine drug situation. A lot of old white men will explain to you that drugs containing THC, such as marijuana, are gateway drugs. And this could certainly be true with cows. After all, Gateway computers’ logo was a cow. Coincidence? I certainly don’t want stoned cows wobbling down the wrong path until they’re making meth in the barn, while all their customer cows are losing their teeth and stealing the copper wire out of Farmer Joe’s HVAC unit to sell at the scrap metal place.
Nor do we want cows sitting around in a circle, staring at the heavens and wondering things like, “Do you think there are planets out there where the cows milk humans?”
“Whoa, that’d be far out. Say, y’all hungry? I’m craving some Chick-fil-A.”
“Chick-fil-A? Nah, man. Look around. Check out all this grass! And, by grass, I mean, like, real grass, you know.”
“Say Cow 472, what’s that tattoo on your hip, the A with the circle around it?”
“Call me Flower. That’s my new name. Numbers are from the devil. And what tattoo? WHAT! I bet that’s a mark of the aliens. I must have been abducted, man.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s the brand for Allen Farms, Flower.”
“Oh, yeah. Say, why don’t we put on Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album and watch ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and see if they sync up.”
“Nah, let’s play that Walker Hayes ‘Fancy Like’ song again. That’s some deep poetry, man.”
“OK, I’ll try. It’s just so hard to hit the play button. Damn these hooves!”
“We damn thee!!”
“Yep, we’re all stoned.”