Let’s talk things out in ways that unite us

If you turn on Fox News or CNN or have a Facebook friend who gets all of their news from either one of these “news” sources — or the extreme versions of each like Newsmax and MSNBC — you likely have seen issues that are “tearing America apart” and “destroying life as we know it.”

Or so they would have you believe, even though their examples often are anecdotal — such as one school board meeting breaking into fisticuffs over “critical race theory” or one group of peace-loving Capitol tourists lambasted as terrorists just because they wanted to hang Mike Pence.

A lot of people don’t understand what some of these issues are all about. For example, some people think “critical race theory” means indoctrinating children for eight hours a day in public schools with the theory that white people are inherently evil.

“That’s what they’re doing!” screams Jim Bob after watching Tucker Carlson, then Sean Hannity, then Laura Ingraham. “Quit focusin’ on the past! Ain’t got nothin’ to do with today! It’s time to move on!”

Why, thank you, Jim Bob, for your input. I think we should get together for lunch and discuss this further.

“Sure. You can join us, the Sons of Confederate Veterans, for our picnic lunch tomorrow. We meet in front of the Jefferson Davis statue on Main Street.”

And we’ll discuss getting over the past?

“Well, no. That’s next week’s picnic topic in front of the Robert E. Lee statue on Elm Street.”

Clearly, our current society is too polarized to discuss any hot topic intelligently, so I suggest discussing it in completely different ways that can bring Americans together — in other words, stupidly. I’m undoubtedly qualified to handle this.

Critical race theory: This involves such important concepts as not turning right at Talladega, the notion that if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ and, of course, boogity boogity boogity.

Defund The Police: I agree. I mean, we’re talking about the most overrated musical group of the 1980s. De do do do de da da da is all I want to say to you. Seriously? Sting did some decent stuff afterward, but do not fund any music by The Police.

Cancel culture: I think we’re all against canceling folks over their views or something they said years ago. Get over it, snowflakes. Whew, glad that’s settled. Now, start playing Dixie Chicks songs again, country radio.

Trans: There are a lot of trans issues that even the most straight, gun-totin’, beer-swillin’, RuPaul-hatin’ bubba who thinks harass is two words can get behind — such as the Trans-Am Burt Reynolds drove in “Smokey and the Bandit.” “They’s fast!”

Gay marriage: I know a lot of straight folks are against this, so I strongly suggest they not get gay-married. Meanwhile, I’ll always remember what my very straight married friend Jimmy Earl said, “Hey, if I had to get married, they should have to get married, too! Ain’t fair for them to get out of it!” And I also remember what Jesus said about homosexuality …

Single-payer healthcare: It goes without saying that America’s health care system basically works for the rich and the poor but not for the 90 percent in between. Therefore, we should all support single-payer. I don’t mean Medicare for All. I mean Amazon’s Jeff Bezos should pay all of our medical bills. He can afford it.

I’d bring up a few more hot-button issues, but I don’t need the same nutjobs who were chanting “Hang Mike Pence!” to start chanting “Hang Chris Johnson!”

Heck, I loathe the thought of even wearing a necktie.

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