I’ve been censored by my preferred social media platform, Tweetifried, because I tell the truth to my wonderful followers, so I must now use this space usually reserved for my weekly newspaper column of totally true stuff that a lot of people are saying is pure genius to instead share my views and important news right here as a Tweetifrication of its own.
I played the Powerball last week and supposedly did not get a single number right. That is scientifically impossible and FAKE NEWS! The numbers put out by the enemies of the state in the lamestream media are not true. My win was STOLEN. The drawing was RIGGED! It was a total disaster and the reported numbers are LIES, LIES, LIES.
When I went to bed before the drawing, it was a sure thing that I was going to win the $730 million jackpot. I was feeling lucky, and everyone knew I was going to win. And I don’t even need the money because your favorite writer — me — is so rich. I was going to give it all to a charity for messed-up brats or something.
But, nooooo. I wake up in the morning to find that everything has “changed.” Not only did I not get a single number right — which is scientifically impossible as experts on numbers will tell you — but one person in Maryland allegedly was the sole winner. And I have it on good authority from people who know stuff that the winner is a socialist Antifa fascist whose fourth cousin on their mama’s side was Hugo Chavez’s dog walker.
There is now video evidence on the interwebs — which you won’t see reported by people like Chris Wallace, a total loser and disappointment compared to his father — that a suitcase was under a table near the drawing and in it was probably Hunter Biden’s laptop which Bill Gates used to hack the ping-pong balls so that I would lose.
And, get this, the balls were made in CHINA, the same country that makes the China Virus. China is mad because I’m so tough and won’t let them run my column in the Beijing Times for free, something stupid people before me had stupidly negotiated.
We are not done, though. There is another Powerball drawing tomorrow, and I have directed my brilliant attorney Sidney Powell to — no, wait, I don’t know her, never heard of her — make that Rudy Guiliani, whom I totally promise to pay for his services, to sue any ball that is not on my ticket. He assures me he’s got a handle on the ball situation, something we saw clearly in the “Borat” sequel.
This is not the time for weakness. If we allow these fraudulent numbers to be cashed in, we will lose the lottery as we know it. It will be like the Venezuelan lottery, where they don’t even have enough ping-pong balls to have a drawing. Everybody just chooses the number 4, the only ball they have, and everyone wins 20 cents.
The people who sold me the “losing” Powerball ticket at Sammy’s Speedy Gas & Smokes are fine people and they love me, but they are led by some real fools. They have the dumbest managers on the planet. That pains me to say because I truly love the people at Sammy’s, even though I hope they never make $15 an hour — unless you’re OK with $35 hot dogs, which is basic economics.
I called the assistant manager who is in charge of the Powerball ticket sales and he wouldn’t even listen to our evidence. People say he was paid by the Chinese to overthrow my lottery win, and the ticket machines are made by Dominion, which accessed the tickets from the Czech Republic and switched my numbers from right to wrong. And, the FAKE NEWS won’t tell you this, but Old Dominion University is in Virginia, which is right next to Maryland where the “winning” ticket was sold. Coincidence? No, FRAUD!
However, this injustice cannot stand. That’s why I’m calling on all Powerball patriots to gather in the cutoff community on Feb. 6 and we will march down Bauxite Drive to Sammy’s Speedy Gas & Smokes and demand justice … and about $730 million. You’ve got to be strong. It’s time for trial by combat.
Don’t worry — I’ll be going with you. I promise you that. So, stand back and stand by.
And, as always, God bless, and covfefe!