Are they scared of drag queens, books or both?

When I got married on Key West’s Smather’s Beach back in 2012, the honeymoon opportunities were pretty endless. My preferred outing was a snorkeling excursion in which a catamaran dropped us off over a stunning coral reef. It was also the first time my wife tried to strangle me as she climbed upon my back with her arms around my neck when a 5-foot reef shark swam right in front of us.

The first time your wife tries to kill you is always the most memorable, especially when it’s in such a beautiful tropical location. 

Later, my wife got to pick a honeymoon excursion: We would go to a drag show.

“Um, I’m sorry, what?” was my response as my face went full-on Tucker Carlson.

She insisted it would be fun. I insisted an obviously super-manly straight guy like myself would be picked on relentlessly, and I’d feel safer hanging out with the shark again. It was indeed fun … for her. And I was right — I was picked on relentlessly, but I was a good sport about it. I managed to survive, get over it and move on with my life with minimal therapy.

That’s because they didn’t read a single book during the performance.

Until recently, I didn’t realize just how prevalent drag queen story time was. Folks like Ron DeSanctimonious, er, DeSantis, Marjorie Taylor Greene and everyone on Fox News have since helped me understand that there are more reading drag queens than there are gnats in South Georgia. Quite frankly, I’m more worried about the gnats, but that’s just because I view “news” from multiple, varying sources.

Thank goodness they have enlightened me, though. I just tried to take a walk around my neighborhood, and I had three drag queens wielding books try to chase me down.

“C’mon, honey! It’s about the Wind and how it’s Gone! It won’t take but a few hours!”

“Frankly, I don’t give a damn!” I yelled back. Good thing it was hard for them to run in heels.

By the time I turned the corner, my shoes couldn’t even find the pavement with all the drag queens and wigs and stilettos and books and George Santos-es covering it. Now, I get it. This is a real problem. What if the neighborhood kids hear them reading?! What if they block my wife from getting her daily Amazon deliveries?! It’s getting serious!

Fortunately, we have folks like Florida (of course) Rep. Matt Gaetz on the case. As you can tell by his televangelist hair, he is a respectable man of the highest moral character. During a hearing in D.C. yesterday, he confronted Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Mark Milley and Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin about the major issue facing our military today — drag queen story hours.

Apparently a handful of military bases either had or considered having drag queen story hours. Gaetz wanted to know how much taxpayer money was used. Austin and Milley just kind of looked like, “What is this fool talking about?” I was confused because I didn’t think it would require a major outlay of taxpayer funds for someone to read a book. While some folks actually read books for free, I assume others like Gaetz can’t imagine reading anything unless they are paid.

(Check out the video below of Gaetz’s pandering and grandstanding if you’re willing to risk feeling worse about Congress than you already do.)

I must admit that I actually went to a story hour a few years ago with my grandson. It was at the library in Perry, Georgia. There were no drag queens there, but there was a dinosaur. To me, that seems far more dangerous because most drag queens are herbivores. The dinosaur didn’t even read, by the way, and it had the nerve to go into the women’s restroom even though I’m almost certain its 250-million-year-old birth certificate would have proven it was a biological male.

I would grab a pitchfork — or pitchspork — and join the hordes of folks trying to save our children from indoctrination by drag queens and books instead of the other indoctrinations of which they do approve, but no.

I’m a writer, and I’m just glad that at least somebody still reads!