My simple solution for America’s roads

The No. 1 song on the day I was born was “The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles. I think that was supposed to be symbolic, but while my road has been quite winding, it’s actually been rather short and generally leads me around in circles through potholes and into occasional animals such as deer, stray dogs or David Allan Coe, whose mama also once got runned over by a damned ol’ train once.

Or so I’ve heard. Fortunately, he was so drunk he barely noticed that he totaled my truck. The insurance company agreed to fix the front end but said I’d have to live with the PBR smell.

As you can tell, this post is going to be a super-thoughtful examination of America’s system of roadways — the interstates, highways, two-lane blacktops, dirt roads and stuff like that.

There is too much congestion and traffic. There are too many accidents. There are too many roads that go to Atlanta and not enough that go to places like Bimini. It’s enough to make you want to scrap the whole system and start over.

But nay, I say! I am a nay-sayer! I have another solution — one that came to me as I encountered roughly 74 idiot drivers during my morning commute today.

All we need to do to make driving more pleasurable for the rest of us is to duplicate every single mile of our current system of roadways and assign one to all the idiots. Heck, I’ll even let them have the brand new duplicated sets of roads, and the rest of us can have the old system, potholes and all.

Now I realize it won’t be cheap to build a duplicate highway system, but I contacted my favorite congressperson Marjorie Taylor-Greene, and she said that if we can fund Jewish Space Lasers for Ukraine, then she can surely get at least four other lawmakers to authorize our plan.

The cost of the entire system is only about the total of Elon Musk’s weekly allowance in 1985, adjusted for inflation, multiplied by the number of Donald Trump acquaintances who have signed NDAs since 1980.

Or roughly 12 gazibidillion bucks.

But I think it’ll be worth it! Imagine a system of roads where people understand:

  • Where their turn signal is located and how to use it
  • That it’s not OK to go 50 mph when someone is behind you and then 65 when you get to a passing zone
  • That litter, including cigarette butts, is not to be tossed out of the vehicle
  • That your stereo system is for you, not for you to get the attention you so desperately crave because your mommy didn’t love you enough
  • That 4 feet is not sufficient following distance at 70 mph in the rain.
  • What the word “yield” means
  • Etc. and so on and so forth and stuff like that

I realize it may take literally months to completely duplicate every inch of America’s roads. But just think of how many jobs it will create. Then Joe Biden can go out and tout a 1.1 unemployment rate to people who are already underpaid at their two jobs that don’t earn enough for them to earn a small home.

“How can you people not see how great these Bidenomics numbers are?! And did I mention the GDP?!”

“What does that even stand for, Mr. President?”

“Golly Dat’s Pricey or something like that. I don’t know.”

I admit that once you start relegating all the idiot drivers to their own highway system that there won’t be many drivers left on the other roads. Heck, it might even just be me based on my recent experiences.

But that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

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