Y’all need to make some New Year’s resolutions for using Facebook

I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions. I’m a rebel like that. I’m more apt to make a spur-of-the-moment, March 12th resolution when I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and think, “Dang! I need to lose one or two or 25 pounds. I think I’ll resolve to do that.”

You said the same thing last week,” my wife will say.

That’s fake news! Last week I resolved to lose one or two or 20 pounds.”

But y’all — and I mean all y’all — need to make some resolutions about how to use Facebook in the coming year because I have to use Facebook for work nearly every day. And I’m getting a little tired of all y’all making those of us who use Facebook correctly — and by “us” I mean me — irritable.

So, repeat after me: As a Facebook user, I do hereby, therefore, hereafter, whereas and heretoforewith, you know, solemnly resolve in the year 2020 that…

  • I will not share a single item without fact-checking or at least considering if something sounds too ridiculous to be true. It probably is. I had a friend last week share something that said Virginia Democrats were not just going to ban all guns, but also hunting knives and any form of self-defense, including martial arts. This is, of course, not even close to true. And, for the record, the only way the government is getting my karate chop is if they pry off my cold, dead hand.
  • I will not take any quiz that claims to identify my IQ by participating in it. And if you do take one of those quizzes that likely steals a little of your identity when you take it — a not-very-high-IQ thing to do — don’t share the result that finds you are a genius. Only two percent of the population have Mensa-level IQs, yet somehow 98 percent of folks are geniuses according to Facebook quizzes. Something doesn’t add up there, so I suspect the 2 percent figure is more accurate. Because I have about 550 Facebook friends, that means only 11 of them have a shot at being geniuses. However, the simple act of friending me shows a lack of judgment on their part, so I suspect it’s more along the lines of 4 or 5.
  • I will not fall for any claim that Facebook is about to start charging me to use it. The data you willingly share with Facebook and Russian agents are all the payment they seek.
  • I will not abstain from discussing politics on Facebook. Apathy helps advance no cause, nor does only discussing politics with those in your echo chamber of affirmation.
  • I will, however, abstain from arguing politics on Facebook with those who refuse to reason. There’s never been a political argument won on Facebook. And if you do “win” one, they’ll yell “Benghazi!” and drag you down their rabbit hole, which leads to a child-sex ring in the basement of a pizzaria. (That’s just a fact.) It’s like when someone yells “Goose!” during a game of Duck, Duck, Goose, except the game goes, “Fact … right-wing talking point … left-wing talking point … BENGHAZI!” When you realize you’re about to get Benghazi’d, just give them a “Bless your heart” (Southern for moron) and move on.
  • I will not use Facebook Messenger to contact more than one human at once. Also, I will not bother using Messenger to contact Chris Johnson. Ever. He’s not reading it anyway.
  • I will not post anything about how much I love Jesus if I disagree with most of what He preached. You can’t love anyone with whom you disagree so often.
  • I will not tell anyone to copy and paste anything. Use your own thoughts.
  • If I have any thoughts someone might want to copy and paste, I’ll won’t cloud the point with curse words every single time. It’s OK to make a G-rated point every now and then, so we can share it with our friends who say they love Jesus despite disagreeing with Him an awful lot.
  • I will take a at least one day off from Facebook. Every week. And I’ll take a look around. I just might see what’s really happening in the world.

On second thought, I just took a look around at what’s really happening in the world, and it ain’t pretty. I think I’ll go back to taking this “Which Brady Bunch character are you?” quiz on Facebook. What? Jan? I bet that means I’m a genius. And a groovy one at that.

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