I’m here to help Georgia solve its budget shortfall

In the past, I’ve come up with some ideas to help our federal government balance its budget. Among them were ideas such as selling one of the Dakotas. My argument was that no country really needs two Dakotas. One is more than enough.

But with our nation projected to once again run up a $1 trillion budget deficit while the debt runs over $21 trillion, it’s clear no one is listening. Apparently, our federal government only runs up huge deficits during a great recession … or during the “greatest economy ever” … or anytime in between. Clearly, we’re going to have to sell both Dakotas. To the 146 people who live there and the four senators who represent them, sorry.

Now my beloved state of Georgia is feeling the effects of 2018’s $550 million tax cut that lowered the state income tax rate on our top earners from 6 percent to 5.75 percent. Shockingly, this has led to a major budget shortfall at the state capitol, where the main topics of discussion are (1) what necessary services can we cut now and (2) let’s pass even more tax policies to help our rich Georgians whose lives are so difficult — hey, I know, let’s scrap the progressive tax rate of 1-5.75 percent in favor of a 5.5-percent rate that shifts the burden to the poor, who just have it too easy compared to our struggling Richie Riches.

The only people who could have possibly foreseen my state’s budget shortfalls are those who could, you know, do math.

In other words, they can’t fix this at the state capitol. Quite frankly, I’d be surprised if they could fix coffee or toast at the state capitol. Therefore, when they cut taxes, they have to find other ways to make money, such as allowing fireworks sales or the inevitable opening of the state’s doors to casinos. It’s coming. You can bet on it.

Fortunately for them, I’m here to help with some new revenue-generating, just as I tried to help our federal government. I’m certain that this time they will listen. Here are a few of my ideas:

• Sell General Beauregard Lee, Georgia’s lame version of Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-predicting groundhog, to a barbecue joint. Our incompetent Confederate groundhog recently predicted six more weeks of winter, when it’s unlikely we’ll even have six total days of winter in Georgia. Besides, if Bill Murray has never tried to steal you, you’re not a real groundhog.
• Speaking of Confederates: Instead of removing the Confederate leaders from Stone Mountain, let’s cover the mountain with more faces — for a fee, of course. “Carve Grandpa’s face onto Stone Mountain, for just $100!”
• Enact a $50 fine for anyone who yells “Roll Tide!” or “War Eagle!” east of the Chattahoochee River. I don’t know how much money that might raise, but while the Assembly is doing favors for the rich, they can throw in a favor for this poor Bulldog.
• A pay-per-view steel cage wrestling match between Sen. Kelly Loeffler and Rep. Doug Collins over who loves Daddy Trump more would generate millions in revenue. And if Georgia expands gambling in this state — something a state facing budget shortfalls is certainly more likely to do — I’m betting on Kelly to win that one.
• Callaway Gardens could replace the Azalea Bowl with the Marijuana Bowl. Might not be as pretty, but there’s more profit potential in pot than azaleas.
• And, finally, let’s pass two-year budgets and have a General Assembly only every two years instead of every single year. No, wait, that actually made sense. My bad.