I know you’ve gotten those robocalls about your car’s extended warranty. If you’re like me, you get about one per week. I wouldn’t answer them, but I often get work-related phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize.
Then there are those calls informing you that you are about to be arrested over some Social Security scam or something. I really haven’t had time to sit through these calls to find out exactly what they’re about to arrest me for, so I just scream into the phone, “Come and get me, coppers!”
There have been many such versions of these phony calls over the years. Every now and then you might get a call that there’s some problem with your taxes or refund, and all you need to remedy it is to give the caller your bank information. And there are the evil crooks who capitalize on an opportunity to tug at your heart strings, leveraging worthy causes such as police groups, wounded soldiers, disabled children and natural disasters to raise money for their new Mercedes.
Here’s the thing with these robocalls and scams: If folks didn’t fall for them, the evil folks wouldn’t bother creating them. I suspect that it’s a super small number of gullible people who fall for the scams. Unfortunately, it only takes a handful of gullible folks to make a million scam calls worth the effort and keep the rest of us annoyed.
So, I’d like to take a moment to address America’s gullible: STOP IT! I’d say you know who you are, but I doubt that’s true. Therefore, allow me to help you identify yourselves with this handy gullibility quiz. Give yourself one point if …
- you ever looked at that strange little plastic bag of crystals that came in your new electronic device and thought, “I bet that’s tasty,” only to be deterred upon seeing the words “Do not eat.” (If you’ve ever smoked those little rocks, give yourself two points.)
- you ever read a report about a breakthrough in the Mideast peace process and thought, “Well, looks like we’ve finally got that figured out. Whew.”
- you’ve ever taken a quiz on Facebook that says something like “Only someone with a genius IQ can answer all 10 of these questions about cheese.” (Give yourself an extra point if you then shared it to prove you’re a genius. Give yourself two extra points if you actually believed the results.)
- you have ever been mailed unsolicited seeds in a bag with Chinese writing and proceeded to open it. (Give yourself an extra point if you planted them. And, please, send me a photo of what comes up out of the ground … if it doesn’t eat you.)
- you have ever responded to an email by giving your bank account info to some Nigerian who wanted you to hold his millions of dollars. (If he actually followed through and gave you those millions, feel free to subtract a point … and let me hold a few bucks.)
- you ever heard evidence from a doctor who preaches about demon sperm, space alien DNA and anti-religion vaccines and thought, “Sounds legit.”
- you ever fully believed a political ad that dealt in ludicrous absolutes such as Democrats want to outlaw churches or Republicans want all women barefoot and pregnant.
- you’re a really rich but really ugly guy married to a beautiful woman and think she loves you for you. (If you know you bought her but don’t care, only charge yourself half a point, otherwise known as a Mnuchin.)
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t have time to compose any more questions. I’ve got to run to the store and buy a lottery ticket. Today could be the day.
SCORING: If you have 1 point, you are gullible. If you have 2-4 points, you are really gullible. If you have 5 or more points, send me your bank account info — you’ve won a prize!