I’ve got a crazy idea for a new television network. Bear with me because it’s kinda out there, like Ted Turner out there. But here’s my idea:
I think we need a 24-hour cable news network — all news, all the time. When something happens in the world, you can go to that channel to learn more about it. And, vice versa, if you’re not sure what important news is happening in the world, you can turn to that channel and learn what that might be.
What’s that you say? We already have 24-hour news channels? Oh, I beg to differ.
We used to have 24-hour news channels. Now, we have 24-hour punditry — on Fox News, on CNN and I assume on MSNBC, which I don’t watch. Everything now is a discussion and staging of right vs. left on every issue.
“Welcome to CNN Tonight, I’m Don Lemon. Tonight, Donald Trump has dinner with Mitt Romney. He had a grilled chicken sandwich and a kosher dill pickle. To my left is Fred Finklestein, who supports Vlassic Kosher Dills, and to my right is Sally Saltheimer, a Heinz Zesty Dill backer.”
This kind of “TV journalism” — and I use that term more loosely than a Kardashian uses a chastity belt — leaves me in a real pickle when I want to get some real news and don’t feel like staring at my phone or a computer at the end of the day.
For instance, when the fires were raging a few days ago around Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, that seemed like a pretty big deal to me. I wanted to know more. I wanted to eat my dinner on the screen porch and watch coverage of the disaster on the outside television. I turned to CNN, Fox and, sigh, even MSNBC. Instead of orange flames, it was just orange Trump. Click. Trump. Click. Trump. Click. Off.
It’s not even just punditry now. It’s punditry about Trump. All the time. Trump’s Cabinet picks. Trump’s kids. Trump’s businesses. Trump’s eating habits. Trump’s corporate welfare. Trump vs. Broadway. Trump vs. the “dishonest media.” Whether you love, hate or are indifferent about Trump, you can’t possibly want to hear about him or hear what others have to say about him 24 hours a day.
It’s not even just punditry now. It’s punditry about Trump. All the time. Trump’s Cabinet picks. Trump’s kids. Trump’s businesses. Trump’s eating habits. Trump’s corporate welfare. Trump vs. Broadway. Trump vs. the “dishonest media.”
Sure, there’s CNN Headline News, but their nightly lineup generally is “Forensic Files,” followed by “Forensic Files,” preceding several more episodes of “Forensic Files,” to be followed by “Forensic Files.” A lineup should be that repetitive only once a year for TBS’ 24 hours of “A Christmas Story,” which, coincidentally, featured a cameo by a younger Donald Trump as bully Scut Farkas, who makes great deals by twisting the arms of students from Warren G. Harding Elementary in an effort to make Hohman, Indiana, great again.
Hopefully, the 27 people in America who still believe in facts will join my push for a 24-hour news channel. If successful, I might even push to get a channel that shows the weather 24 hours a day instead of shows like “Fat Guys in the Woods.”