Hope you all enjoyed your latest ultra-American holiday

Yesterday was Labor Day, capping a final summer weekend when many of us folks with cushy jobs hit the road for one last summer outing to the beach or pool or Wild Flags Over Mickey World.

It’s truly an ultra-American holiday. Then again, this also is National Waffle Week, and that’s also extremely American. But Labor Day is when we celebrate the American worker, and we do it in the most American way possible — by leaving so many of them out of it.

On Labor Day weekend, we fill our gas-guzzling vehicles and whine about the price of gas even as we keep propping it up with our insatiable demand that — as a bonus — also helps destroy the planet. Of course, planets are overrated. Jobs are more important. We can find another planet to put those jobs on later.

Along the way we stop at a couple of restaurants and fuss about the service from overworked and underpaid staff who can’t get the holiday off like we do and can’t even drive home because their gas tank is empty thanks to the very folks who fussed at them and keep prices high with the demand from all their unnecessary travel. Those folks who had to work on Labor Day might have $90 in their account to get a little bit of gas, but, nah, their debit card will probably be declined at the pump because there’s a $100 hold.

That’s what you get for not working hard enough at your two jobs, where you pay higher tax rates than most millionaires in America. If you would just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you, too, could run a hedge fund or perhaps short-sell hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of stock in a company and then work to sabotage it. Then you’d be richer than you could ever be even if you worked at Taco Palace for the next 10,000 years — which, coincidentally is also how long it takes to pay off most student loans with their capitalized interest practices. But, hey, only rich folks should go to college anyway. Those poors need to stay in their under-educated lanes.

On our way to Wild Flags Over Mickey World, we listen to radio hosts warn us about the folks flocking over the border in their quests to be overworked and underpaid and shore up staffing issues, such as the one at the Taco Palace where we had to eat from the drive-thru because the dining room was closed due to a lack of workers. Still, we can’t let those folks come across the border and steal the jobs we don’t want and won’t do. No, we call for merit-based immigration that brings in only talented, educated folks who actually will steal the jobs we want. Besides, not only are most of the folks coming over the southern border brown, but some are also carrying deadly illegal drugs. This is America, dadgummit, and we kill people the American way — with addictive legal drugs, unaffordable health care, addictive sugar soft drinks and fast food. Heck, we even advertise those things.

On the way back home, we gas up one more time and shoot three people who cut us off on the interstate because the comma-infested 2nd Amendment makes it crystal clear that this is our inalienable right, having been born into America’s well-regulated militia.

At last, we are home and back at work … well, the comfy work-from-home office over our garage anyway. (Guilty as charged). Summer’s unofficially over. We’ll travel less and reduce gas demand so the price continues declining until a hurricane forms in the Gulf of Mexico or someone trips over and spills a bucket of oil in Saudi Arabia.

We now look forward to the next holidays in America. Halloween is around the corner, when we can set a good example for our kids by teaching them to beg for diabetes door to door from people dressed as sexy nurses and serial killers … and actual serial killers. After that, we say a prayer of gratitude before indulging in the sin of gluttony at Thanksgiving and watching folks give each other brain damage for our entertainment on football fields. At Christmas, American Christians can celebrate their love for Jesus while continuing to revolt at His teachings about helping the poor and shunning wealth and such. And, finally, on New Year’s Eve we can get drunk and do it all again in 2023.

American holidays, such as Labor Day, may have lost their intended focus, but it ain’t gonna stop us. And I’m all for holidays. As Americans, though, we could all do a little better job with the ways we celebrate.

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