Yes, life here in these United States sure is great. However, you never know what lurks around the corner — such as a car crash, a medical emergency, your identity being stolen or your chihuahua attacking the mailman and causing permanent emotional distress. (For the chihuahua, of course, because mailmen taste horrible.)
The point is that Americans are never more than three feet away from a disaster that can bankrupt you forever. No, wait, that’s a spider we’re never more than three feet from. Anyway, you’re going to need a lot of insurance to protect you from all the things that life in the U.S. can throw at you. Like spider attacks.
There’s primary insurance, secondary insurance and supplemental insurance for nearly every issue you can imagine. It can cost a bundle if you have to buy it in pieces from many different sources. That’s why I’ve opened CJ’s All-in-One Insurance Emporium to meet all of your insurance needs in one convenient package deal.
As you can see, our simple office here is decorated with posters of our founding fathers like Jimmie “J.J. Walker, Joe Namath, J. Jonah Jameson and Limu, the annoying bird. Oh, and Doug. Oh, and here comes our very first customer …
Welcome, sir! You look like you could use some insurance!
You look about 50 years old, so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for Medicare part A, B, C, D, F or G or our Medigap supplemental coverage, but we do have bronze, silver, aluminum and gold plans with a mere $12,000 deductible. It doesn’t cover any medicine advertised on TV or pre-existing conditions, such as being alive, but we have 27 supplemental plans to choose from to almost kinda fill that gap.
And let’s don’t forget that vehicle you drove up in. Nice Toyota. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to it, so here’s a comprehensive collision policy. We also wouldn’t want you to run over anybody, so here’s the liability. Oh, and here’s our Don’tTearUpShield plan in case you need any repairs the insurance does not cover. Also looks like your car warranty is about to run out. My colleague Jawarahal, er, I mean Larry will be calling about that next week. Twelve times.
You got life insurance? You wouldn’t want your wife to be stuck with burial costs that could postpone her Widows Gone Wild cruise plans. (She scheduled it for September 2023, by the way. She know something we don’t?) Some agencies offer whole life and others offer term life, but here we have whole term. You can beat that.
The name’s Earl, right? Hmm, I just saw another Earl yesterday. I bet he stole your identity! You’re gonna need some insurance for that. What’s next? The new Earl moving into your home? Better get you some of that home title insurance, too.
Let’s make sure you’re covered if that house burns down, especially if Earl is in it at the time. This here policy covers dang near anything that could happen to your home. Oh, except flooding. But we’ve got this extra flood insurance for you.
Or, you could always just move to higher ground — you know, hop a flight to Denver or something. Of course, you’re going to want travel insurance for that because you never know what might come up. Your wife has travel insurance on that Widows Gone Wild Cruise. Smart lady.
Cute dog you got there, Earl. Lemme guess. Schnauzerdoodlepoo? Bull shih-tzu? Be a real shame if he got parvo, the mange or radioactive fleas. Let’s get him insured, too.
And, naturally, I’m going to throw in umbrella insurance. I don’t know if you own an umbrella, but we wouldn’t want it tearing up on a rainy, windy day.
So, let’s get that all wrapped up for you. I can get you a package rate of just $8,000 a month, but I’m going to knock 10 percent off because I like you, Earl. So, what’s it gonna be?
“Um, I just came in to see if y’all have a public bathroom.”
Oh. Yes. But don’t flush too much paper down the toilet. I don’t have flood insurance.