Colonel would never surrender this slogan to a virus!

I have made every effort to be part of the solution in this whole pandemic mess, and, yet, I still got the virus. I’ve worn a mask in public places, and I’ve stayed home as much as possible. Unfortunately, it appears I was two degrees of separation from a person who thought this was all a hoax and then got others sick.

Oh well. It looks like I may survive and just merely may have trouble breathing and be a little bit tired until I die of natural causes — like a meteorite hitting me on the head. It’s 2020, so I fully expect that to happen before December 31.

I’ll continue doing my part and will keep wearing my mask in public even though I may very well have some immunity. Allegedly. It’s hard to know much for certain about this virus since the CDC became rather unprincipled at the top. They change their guidelines faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. I’m just thankful CDC Director Robert Redfield doesn’t write songs. Of course, if he did, the Trump Administration would have him change the lyrics. And Dr. Redfield would respond, “Absolutely not, no way, under any circumstances … well, OK.”

Are there any overreactions out there to the stringent restrictions and controls enacted in good faith? I’m sure of it. Closing down lonely stretches of beaches seemed a bit unnecessary. Still, I say it’s best to err on the side of caution — especially when there are so many science deniers in America who believed that the virus was going to disappear when it got hot or who now believe it will magically disappear after the presidential election. (I’m pretty sure these are the same people who also don’t believe in climate change and won’t proactively respond to that until it’s too late, either.)

But I gotta draw the line somewhere, y’all. I draw it at fried chicken, Kentucky Fried Chicken to be precise. In case you haven’t heard, KFC has temporarily dropped the slogan “finger-licking good” during the pandemic.

Are you kidding me? Would the late Colonel Sanders approve of this? I doubt it! Colonel Sanders was a foul-mouthed hothead who once shot a guy during a business dispute when a rival was painting over one of his signs. No wonder President Trump loves KFC. Guns, grease, chicken and heart disease — who could ask for anything more?

I don’t remember the last time I had KFC. I’d eat it three times a week if I didn’t think my doctor or wife would find out. But you can bet that when I finally get back to a KFC and order myself a 37-piece bucket of Original Recipe with mashed potatoes and gravy, I’m licking my fingers, dangit! I may even lick other patrons’ fingers if they consider wiping away that delicious 11-herbs-and-spices grease.

This is America, and we don’t just lead the world in COVID deaths — we also excel in dying of heart disease. An American dies of heart disease every 40 seconds — and I bet that American is sick and tired of dying. “Geez! I just died 40 seconds ago. Again?” Meanwhile, an American dies of COVID only every 80 seconds. That’s like hardly ever.

Someday, my doctor is going to give me six months to live (or shoot me), and I’m going to say, “Ha! That’s what you think! I’m going to eat myself to death in three!” I’m going to drown myself in chili-cheeseburgers from Troy’s Snack Shack, pizza, M&M Blizzards, sugary margaritas and, yes, KFC Original Recipe chicken. That’s all just at the first day’s lunch. And I’m going to express my constitutional right to lick my fingers. I might even cuss like Colonel Sanders used to and say, “$#&%!, that was dadgum finger-licking good right there!”

This is an issue that goes back to our country’s founding, when folks fought for their freedom to lick their fingers. Even when they didn’t have enough to eat, they licked their fingers and pretended their index finger had 11 herbs and spices, or at least 10.

And when the Redcoats yelled, “That’s gross!,” we shot ’em.

Just as Colonel Sanders would’ve wanted.