You may be entitled to condensation

Hello. I’m Attorney Chris Johnson, Esquire-ish, of the law firm of Johnson and Maybe Larry If He Passes The Bar. I’ve been one of the leading malpractice, personal injury and ambulance chasing attorneys in Possum Holler for more than 27 days now. You can trust me as evidenced by this three-piece suit, shiny table and wall full of books I’ve never touched but I’m pretty sure has legal stuff like, you know, state codes from 1968 and junk like that in them.

I have a few questions for you, and if you answer them correctly, we might score enough cash for me to fill this here legal library with some books actually worth reading while you could walk away with as much as 35 cents.

First, did you serve at Camp Lejeune anytime between 1953 and 1987? Did you or any family members drink the “water” there during that time — or take a shower or brush your teeth or wash your hands? Apparently, the water there during that time was about as toxic as what you might find in Flint, Michigan, or Jackson, Mississippi, except that it was deceptively clear.

Have you or your family ever used baby powder? That’s a stupid question, ain’t it? Our parents used to slap baby powder all over us until we looked like 12-pound Scarfaces or the Pillsbury Doughboy. Well, apparently there was a problem with that, too.

Have you ever fed your baby, um, baby food? Were you crazy? Everybody knows those smushed green beans were mostly aluminum, while those pureed carrots were at least 98 percent plutonium. We could sue you for child abuse, but we think we might get more cash out of the baby food companies.

Have you ever been in a wreck involving an 18-wheeler? How about a 17-wheeler? Heck, that alone might get you some money.

Have you ever heard “clean-up on aisle 5” and then immediately dove headfirst into three gallons of spilled extra virgin or sorta virgin olive oil in a quest to “accidentally” break your leg so that you might never have to report to that stupid office and the cubicle next to Drama Queen Debbie who never shuts up?

Have you ever spilled hot coffee on yourself while in the fast-food drive-thru? Has a fast-food restaurant served you coffee that was too cool to drink because they were scared of getting sued? Let’s sue them, too!

Are you a left-wing snowflake who got offended when your college professor mentioned that one of the Founding Fathers had a good idea without prefacing it with the fact that they were mostly a bunch of whoring, racist sots?

Are you a right-wing snowflake whose world was rocked when you found out Mickey Mouse has a LGBTQ rodent friend?

Have you ever taken medicine? Oh, I dunno, any medicine. You know, aspirin, acetaminophen and junk like that. Have you ever had breast implants or butt implants or plants in your butt?

Did you accidentally swallow that little plastic pouch in the TV box that reads “Do not eat?” Have you ever choked on a Tide Pod?

Have you ever used Dogecoin to buy Bitcoin on FTX?

Have you ever been within 10 feet of Johnny Depp or Amber Heard?

Ever spit into the wind or pull on Superman’s cape? Ever mess around with Jim?

If you answered yes to any of these questions or said maybe or just shrugged your shoulders with uncertainty, you may be entitled to condensation or compensation or something like that, whichever one of those is more legal-sounding.

Remember, you pay absolutely nothing unless we win your case. And we haven’t won one yet, so you’re probably safe.

Leave a Reply