Negative political ads have gotten out of hand

Last year after ditching the dish and then cutting the cord, we hooked up with Hulu for our primary TV viewing. Sorry, I was on an alliteration roll.

We can also watch Netflix, Amazon Prime and YouTube, also, but Hulu is our main source for live TV watching and DVR-ing. Of course, about the only thing we DVR anymore is “Jeopardy.”

Unfortunately, a recent Hulu update decided we live somewhere near Savannah. Savannah’s nice and all, but we live hours away from Savannah. I wouldn’t really care where Hulu thinks we live, but it’s election season. And because Hulu thinks we live near Savannah, we are subjected to double the usual political ads because we get them from Georgia and South Carolina races.

They all have one thing in common — they all claim that Joe Blow Democrat is a socialist who wants to raise your taxes and votes in lock-step with Nancy Pelosi or Jane Doe Republican is a shady, racist business person who wants to take away your health care and votes in lock-step with President Trump.

Granted, we’re able to fast-forward through most of these, but if we overshoot on the fast-forward, we might miss a clue from Alex, so we usually stop the fast-forward a little short and catch the last bit of six straight commercials about how evil someone running for office is. The Jesus vs. Satan parts of the Bible aren’t as nasty as these ads.

These ads got me to thinking — which is something few who entirely believe these ads rarely do. What if this kind of advertising permeated all of our races? I mean all the way to the little towns and school councils. Hmm …

6th grade: Jimmy Earl claims he will look out for the health and well-being of every student at Possum Holler Junior High. But can you trust someone who has cooties? Worse, his family bought stock in a Chinese company that profits off anti-cootie medications, giving them incentive for Jimmy Earl to spread the cooties. No wonder he says he hopes his campaign touches everyone in sixth grade. Alice won’t give you cooties, and she will slap that bug out of Jimmy Earl once and for all.

7th grade: If Mary Sue claims to be just a common student, why does Principal Roarke smile at her when her mom drops her off each morning? It’s because Mary Sue will be a rubber-stamp for Principal Roarke’s authoritarian agenda. That means shorter recesses, no more chocolate milk at lunch and all-night homework. Mary Sue can’t be trusted. Billy will outlaw homework, move to an all-recess/no-class schedule and have free soda machines installed in the lunchroom. Billy is one of us.

9th grade: Freshmen stuffed in lockers. Wedgies. Smoking in the boys room. Stolen pencils. Overdue library books. Ears thumped. That’s what you’ll get in Hank’s Possum Holler High. He will let upper-class thugs and bullies out of detention. You will not be safe. I’m Danny, and as soon as I get out of this locker, I’ll approve this message.

11th grade: Melissa claims to support freedom, but she refuses to say whether she will support the movement to allow the wearing of shorts, and she has been known to wear jeans all the way down to her ankles even when it’s 95 degrees. What is Melissa hiding? Hairy legs? Cankles? You’ve seen Sally’s legs — well, at least half the football team has. Sally won’t hide behind jeans and long pants. Vote for legs. Vote Sally.

Possum Holler Mayor Snodgrass: Some folks thought it was funny to enter a dog, Sparky, against me in this year’s race because there’s no law explicitly banning it. Well, it’s not so funny now that Sparky has a five-point lead in the latest poll. However, some people say that Sparky is a mutt and that his mother was an Irish setter and his father was a German shepherd. Sparky’s not only not one of us, but he might not even be eligible to hold office. We can’t trust Possum Holler to a foreigner like Sparky. Tell Sparky to heel.

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