I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that third bat at dinner last night. But, hey, it’s a constitutional right for a man to fill his belly with potentially pandemic-spreading flying rodents. In case you haven’t been on Facebook or Twitter in a while, you may not be aware that everything is a right in today’s America and we have the freedom to do anything.
Yep, I got it. As they say in these here parts, “Chris done up and got The Rona.” I was careful, but I’m surrounded by people expressing their “rights” and “freedoms” all up and down aisle 3 of the grocery store where they are going the wrong direction and selfishly refusing to wear a mask.
Indeed, all these average folks on social media have suddenly become constitutional scholars, and nearly every person on social media is also a total expert on coronavirus. And if you’re one of those “scientists” whose brain has been so corrupted by educational systems and decades of training that you sometimes admit you are not 100 percent sure about something coronavirus-related — such as testing accuracy, transmissibility among children or the timeline for an effective vaccine — you should lose your degree and leave this virus in the hands of our nation’s new experts like your Crazy Uncle Joe who “done seen it on the internets.” The folks who think they know it all seem to get their information from the fewest varying sources. Per usual in these times, they look for affirmation, not information.
I’m amazed by how many people who don’t sound very intelligent and can’t spell “cat” if provided the first and last letters are absolutely 100 percent certain about this virus. In case you’ve missed the basics on the virus, here’s just a tiny sampling of what I’ve learned from these unappreciated geniuses throughout 2020:
- Old people don’t matter unless they are Betty White. Everybody loves Betty. Me, too. But we’ve been told that this COVID really only hits old people, so who cares? To which that great scientific mind Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis says, “Hey, let’s start visiting great-grandma at the nursing home again!”
- Children are immune. Well, except for the 383,000 kids who’ve gotten it so far.
- You have a constitutional right to ignore a private business’ mask mandate over your selfishness. I assume you are the same person who believes a private business has a right to deny service to a gay couple based on “religious” grounds.
- The virus only impacts those with pre-existing conditions like diabetes, heart disease, bone spurs, chronic halitosis, baldness and hypochondria. No one else is at risk.
- Bill Gates has created a tiny, waterproof microchip that will be in the vaccine. Look, I’ve used many of Mr. Gates’ products, and I assure you that microchip will fail without constant updates that probably will crash your body. But if you don’t want to take it, by all means don’t. But also please support a bill that anyone who refuses a vaccine pays in full for any COVID-related treatments in the future.
- It’s going to go away when it gets hot. My goodness, folks! I can’t handle it getting much hotter! And it’s just getting worse!
- Whataboutism also applies to the virus. So, if you say, “The virus has killed 170,000 people,” your statement is negated by someone who says, “Well, 200,000 kids went missing last year.” Um, yes, that’s bad. It’s also a different issue, and 370,000 tragedies doesn’t make me feel better. That’s like my saying, “Dang, it’s 100 degrees here,” and you counter that with “Well, it’s 113 in Palm Springs.” OK, still hot here!
- If you don’t have a fever, you’re not contagious. I don’t have a fever. Mind if I blow out the candles on your birthday cake?
- And the My Pillow guy has done something, something … sorry, you lost me at “My Pillow guy.”
This virus is brand new. Dr. Fauci just made it in a Chinese lab in December. So, can we all admit there is much to learn about a brand new, novel virus? If you are certain you’ve got all the answers, you are part of the problem, not the solution. And only an idiot knows everything — or thinks they do.
Meanwhile, until the people trained in research, science and medicine get this figured out for the rest of us who are not convinced of your genius insight, wear your damn mask!
We don’t want to catch what you’ve got … or coronavirus.
Or, in my case, again.