Oprah Winfrey ain’t got a Q — but I do

Folks were riled up last week about accusations made by former royals Harry and Meghan during their sit-down with America’s queen, Oprah Winfrey.

Many on the left felt sorry for Meghan and wondered which royal expressed idiotic concerns about what her baby’s skin color would be. Many on the right thought Meghan was just acting for attention, quit watching and spent the rest of the night playing with their MISTER POTATO HEAD. And then there were folks like me who are generally unimpressed with rich folks and royals and thought there were too many commercials.

But Oprah did inspire me to follow in her footsteps with my own series of exclusive TV specials. And I scored a huge “get” for my first special! Here’s a transcript …

Me: Welcome, everyone, to my first interview special. (How’s my hair? No, the other one. OK) Today, I’ll be speaking from this secret location (Background: “Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?”) with someone who has been in the news an awful lot the past few years. Say hello to Mr. Anon.

Mr. Anon: You can call me Q. It’s actually short for Quantavious.

Me: Speaking of short, I pictured you being taller for some reason.

Q: Well, I’m only 12. But I read on a third-grade level.

Me: I suspect that’s debatable. So, there was no child sex ring in the basement of that pizza joint. Trump wasn’t inaugurated on March 4. Angela Merkel is not Hitler’s granddaughter. School shootings were real. What gives?

Q: Actually, this all started as a science fair experiment in elementary school. I came up with the idea while dusting the erasers for Mrs. Davis. By the way, the dust in the erasers is actually a toxic mix of ricin and cyanide designed to kill conservative children before they can become full-grown Marjorie Taylor Greenes.

Me: Really?

Q: No, not really. Anyway, it was called “How Gullible Are Americans?” Turns out, pretty darn gullible. I got second place, but I’d have gotten first place if Sally Shneckle’s mobile of the solar system hadn’t been funded by George Soros.

Me: Really?

Q: Um, yeah, sure. Why not?

Me: Wow. So, one of the new conspiracies going around with help from folks like Tucker Carlson is that Joe and Jill Biden’s marriage is a sham, a PR campaign cooked up to distract from the president’s inevitable speaking gaffes.

Q: Well, in the Bidens’ defense, not everyone can have a genuine, truly loving marriage like Donald and Melania. I mean, their passion for each other is so intense that they have separate bedrooms just to keep it under control. It’s quite beautiful.

Me: Yeah, that’s pretty hard to match. What about the theory that President Biden’s dog is a Q insider who bit that security agent because he’s part of the “Deep State?”

Q: Hey, I’ve got proof of that one right here on this laptop.

Me: Is that the Biden laptop?

Q: Yep, Major Biden.

Me: The German Shepherd?

Q: I don’t know what his nationality has to do with it, but, yeah, he saved copies of his emails to this hard drive because, you know, when you’ve got emails you don’t want anyone to see and they don’t automatically save to hard drives, you always make the extra effort to copy them and recreate them in a file that can be stored on the hard drive of a laptop that you casually drop off at computer repair places.

Me: This email just says, “Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, growl.”

Q: He’s a dog. What did you expect? And that clearly says, “I’m gonna bite deep-state Earl next week.”

Me: You speak dog?

Q: The German ones, yeah.

Me: Some people say that you are just spreading conspiracy theories for fun, for your own amusement.

Q: Well, it was fun for a while. But I’m 12 and getting too old for such foolishness. I can’t even come up with a conspiracy theory that people won’t believe anymore. It’s probably because I’ve had trouble thinking since I got shot in the head with that Jewish space laser.

Me: What? You poor child!

Q: Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, the joke’s on them because it corrected my vision to 20/20.

Me: That’s awesome! Now, there is a new concern that you might be casting doubt on the coronavirus vaccines and convincing your ignorant followers not to take them.

Q: Have you gotten the vaccine yet?

Me: No. They said I was the most non-essential person to ever ask for it and sent me to the back of the line.

Q: Well, here. Drink this bleach, and you’ll be fine. Besides, you don’t want Bill Gates’ mind-controlling microchip floating around your bloodstream. You know it’ll need updating all the time.

Me: True, and I thought it was bad upgrading to Windows 10! Well, thank you for joining us, Mr. Anon. Looks like your mom is here to pick you up. Hi, Mrs. Anon! Join us next week when my guests will be Z Public and Prince Charles’ barber’s nephew’s ex-brother-in-law with the real scoop from Buckingham Palace.